One of the challenges when we talk about sexual consent is that there aren’t a lot of good examples for how to have the conversation with a potential partner. After all, most of the time, these talks happen in private, which makes it hard to learn from someone else. Some of us are fortunate enough to have had a partner shepherd us through the process or take a workshop on communication, but for most folks, it’s a matter of trial and error.

I’ve always believed that if you can’t ask for what you want, you’re going to have a much harder time getting it. But while that’s easy to say, it can be difficult to do anything about it. Almost everyone has ways in which talking about sex brings up challenges. Perhaps you don’t have the language to ask for what you want. Or you’re worried about how your partner might react. Or you’re concerned that if you ask for what you want, it will mean something about you. Or you fear rejection. Or that you feel shame for your desires. Or maybe, simply that you’ve had unpleasant experiences when you’ve tried talking about sex and that makes it harder to bring up again.

If we want to develop happy sex lives, we need to be able to talk about it, to ask for what we want, to hear what our partners want, and to find a common ground. Indirect communication or simply hoping that someone will know what we want sometimes works, but when we do that, we’re gambling that someone will just know what to do and the odds simply aren’t in our favor, if only because there are so many possibilities.

Fortunately, there are some really easy tools to make it easier. One of them, the Yes/No/Maybe Checklist, comes from the BDSM community. The idea is that you take a list of possible activities and put a checkmark in each column: one for things that you pretty much always like, one for things that you have no interest in, and one for things that you might like to do or try. It’s a pretty easy idea, and there are a few ways to play with it. (You can also rate your maybes on a scale of 1-10, if you want.)

You don’t need to do it all at once. You can take as long as you need to think about which things go in which columns. Once you’ve filled it out, you can share it with a partner. Or even better, each of you can fill it out separately and then trade lists. Anything that you’ve both marked as “yes” are things that you can be pretty confident you’ll both enjoy, although you still need to discuss the details.

Then, you can open up a conversation. “Blowjobs are a yes for me and a maybe for you. What are your reasons for making it a maybe? What can we do to make it more fun for you?” Go into this part of the conversation with the intention of making it a win-win for everyone. This will work better when it’s about finding the places where you have as much overlap as possible, rather than convincing someone to do something they don’t like. Even when something is a yes for both of you, talk about what makes it extra fun. What positions or techniques are especially hot? What are your turn-offs? It’s often a lot easier to have those talks when you know that there’s general agreement and you’re just working out the details.

If something is in someone’s no list, it can sometimes be worth exploring why that is. For some people, it’s because of negative experiences. For others, it might be simply because it doesn’t do anything for them. Or it could be a trigger or a squick. This can all be really useful information, as long as everyone is able to keep focused on the larger goal of finding the things that work.

After that conversation, set the list aside for a bit and check in with each other. If this is something new for you, you might find that you have some different emotions coming up. Relief that it’s over, surprise at how easy it was, worry that your partner is judging you, happiness at knowing that you’ve done something challenging, or any other feeling. Whether you want to talk about those emotions together or not, you may find that it’s worth making some room for them.

I don’t recommend doing this as foreplay, simply because that puts a certain pressure on the process. I’ve noticed that talking about sex with a partner often works better when it’s not done in a sexual context because it’s easier to keep focused. In a way, talking about sex when you’re already turned on is like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry. You end up buying things that you wouldn’t usually get because your hunger is skewing your decisions. Having this talk in a non-sexual context is much more likely to be successful.

There are quite a few yes/no/maybe lists to be found. Many of them are BDSM-oriented like this, this, and this, mostly because this concept came from the BDSM community. But with a little digging, you can find non-BDSM checklists like this great one from SmartHotFun.com

Even if you never do this with a partner, it can be really useful to go through it solo. You might be surprised at how it can inspire you to think about what you like. And when you’re having the conversation with a partner, you’ll have much more information to work with.

If you’ve every used one of these checklists, what did you like about it? Did it help you talk about your desires? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Have fun!

I screened The Line at M.I.T. and asked them!

Mutual respect, care and pleasure.

We don’t necessarily have to be in love, but you will respect me and treat me like the goddess that I am.

Know what it means to enjoy sex–then you know what you want.

Being fully conscious of what I am doing.

Sex is fabulous! But it better be as fabulous for me as it is for you.

Yes in bed does not mean yes in the park.

Ask me before you put it ANYWHERE.

I screened The Line at Hunter College and asked them!

I don’t know. As a male, I didn’t know I was allowed to have one.

Wherever I decide it is. Not you. Not my parents. Not my religion. Not my culture.

Changes every second, minute, hour, day–and with every person.

It changes. I’m learning to tell you, but please ask me!

Understanding the implications of my actions.

It’s mutual. No one is entitled to my body.

Ask me “Is this okay?” as we go. IT DOESN’T KILL THE MOOD. IT TURNS ME ON!

Have the respect to ask me and don’t judge me for saying no.

Wherever, whenever, and wherever I say it is.

I screened The Line at Penn State at Abington and asked them!

When you stop listening.

When I fucking say NO!

Put a ring on it.

I refuse to cheat even when he is 3,000 miles away.

When I tell you f*** off.

Where she draws it.

Knowing someone inside and out…true love.

“I don’t know what happened” …is not an answer!

I screened The Line at LREI High School and asked them!

Undefined, but never changing–unless I decide differently.

I’ll be the judge of that. Not you.

Mutuality. It’s a two way street.

It depends. It tends to bend.

I don’t really know. You should ask and find out.

Ask me and you’ll know. Otherwise, you just don’t care.

Only when there is trust do we draw the line together.

Love, trust, emotion, respect.

I screened The Line at Northwestern University and asked them!

You’ll know when I want you.

When I lose my individuality.

When I’m ready I’ll let you know…yes means yes!

Only I can know. Only I can tell you. Listen and respect my answer.

Wouldn’t you like to know? Just ask!

Respect me for who I am and what is in my heart, not just for what is underneath my clothes.

Mine is invisible. Proceed with caution.

No social conservatives.

It’s Friday, and we all know what that means! Interviews with your favorite badass feminists and activists. Whether social media queens and kings, creative artists, sex educators, or just kick-ass personalities, these people harness righteous anger, instigate movements and inspire cultural change. We’re here to honor them and their work, but more importantly, to highlight how we can all get up, plug in, and Just Start Doing.

Today’s badass is Twanna H. Hines, writer, activist and sexual and reproductive health advocate. She has an M.A. in Sociology from New York University and her writing appears on her site, FUNKY BROWN CHICK. She has a blog on the Huffington Post and has been quoted in various publications, including New York magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle.

Here’s what she had to say to us!

So how does one become a sex blogger? What does that mean to you, and how did you wind up writing about dating, sex and relationships?

I started FUNKY BROWN CHICK® in 2005, and I didn’t really consider myself a hardcore “sex blogger” back then because I thought I was just someone sharing details about my sex and dating life in New York online. Now, I often use the term “sex writer.” I’m a writer. What do I write about? Sex. Plus, since I write freelance articles for print newspapers and other things that aren’t blog-based, “sex writer” seems more accurate than “sex blogger.” But, that’s seems like it’s just nomenclature, no? It’s not like I’m going to get bent out of share if someone asks, “Are you a sex blogger?” Of course I am, and I find it very cathartic.

How do you decide what to blog about?

Storytelling is the basis of all my writing. Human experience is universal. So, whether I’m writing about heartbreak, something that makes me happy, or the first household items I used when I was beginning to explore masturbation, I always hope someone somewhere can relate. If my thoughts, ideas and writings reach someone, that makes me happy.

Do you have any topics that are particularly dear to your heart?

Sex.

And how do you make your decisions in terms of what to share and what not to share?

I don’t write extremely personal things about my family, friends or lovers. I’m public. But, that doesn’t mean the people in my life have to be, too.

What has your experience been with posting such personal thoughts on such a public forum?

Overall, I’d have to say it has been incredibly positive. Does that mean it’s easy or that everyone always “gets” me? Nope. Being a public person who writes about sex means getting used to the idea that not everyone is going to like you all the time, and you have to be comfortable with that. Our country has an incredibly dysfunctional relationship with sex, and that manifests itself in many ways.

You are working on your first book right now. How do you feel about that new platform to share yourself? What are your hopes and expectations for the book?

m excited about working on the memoir. You know, my friend Cliff took 10 years to finish his book. Many people push out books much faster than he did. Though, his book was a bestseller published in tons of languages, and it was incredibly well received. Then again, rumor has it John Lennon wrote the song “Imagine” on a cocktail napkin while he was on a plane. Sometimes a project finishes quickly and sometimes it takes longer. In the end, I think you just “know” what a particular timeline is going to be. Staying true to that keeps the project authentic. I’m just happy to get my story out there, and I’m trying to just let the process unfold.

Which blogs do you follow? Any perennial favorites or new discoveries?

Oh God, I read everything. My daily favorites reads are a mixture of newspapers, magazines, blogs, websites, photography sites and everything else. I read the New York Times, Bedsider, Jezebel, Clutch magazine, Nerve.com, BBC, The Gurdian, Slate, On Taking Pictures, Time, Feministing, GOOD, The Good Men Project, Wikipedia, Village Voice, Angry Asian Man, Out, The Advocate, Cory Booker’s twitter feed. You name it. I read it.

Do you remember when in your life you first learned about consent? The first time someone told you that your wants and needs are actually totally valid, and worthy of being honored? I’d venture to say that for most of us, this was not a message that we heard very often from our surroundings, but something that we had to discover and accept for ourselves slowly over time, often with a nasty experience or two in the learning process. And I’m sure that plenty of us wish, looking back, that someone had come to us at the beginning of our sexual maturation journey and told us these things:

• You get to decide when you are ready for what kinds of sex, under what circumstances and with whom
• You have the right to have and voice limits and boundaries, and have them be respected by your partner
• You and your partner should work together to make sure that any kind of sex you have is something that you both want and enjoy
• There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships, and not everyone has or wants monogamous, long-term relationships

Well, there IS a place that gives young people to learn all of these things, and more. That place is Scarleteen.com. Founded in 1997 by Heather Corinna, and run by her and a handful of dedicated volunteers, Scarleteen offers pages and pages of static content with articles on every imaginable topic from sex and relationships to sexual health and recognizing abuse, as well as a real-time message board,  an in-depth advice column and a text-in service.

Scarleteen does all of this work on a teeny-tiny budget consisting entirely of donations. And around this time each year, Scarleteen puts out a call for donations to collect the money they need to continue to provide their services, and to continue to develop new content and tailor it to the needs of their users.

Here at the Line, we know that the basis of understanding and living enthusiastic consent is getting accurate and factual information about sex and sexual health, and learning how to listen to and respect both yourself and your partner(s).

So we ask you to please take a look around Scarleteen, and take a look at this article

by Heather Corinna, detailing Scarleteen’s past achievements and future plans. And we ask you to please consider making a donation to support Scarleteen, and to help Scarleteen support and encourage young people on their journey to healthy, pleasurable sexuality.

I screened The Line at Cornell University and asked them!

Don’t try anything stupid.

Take me seriously when I say no. Don’t try to change my mind.

It moves. Please ask. I’ll do the same for you.

Guilt trips are not sexy.

If you don’t know me well enough to ask me.

When the basis of intimacy is no longer emotional or intellectual and physicality is demanded of me.

My purity.

Ask me. We can find out together.

I screened The Line at University of Wisconsin at Oshkosh and asked them!

Always ask me.

I’m done being hurt. Let me call the shots once.

Crazy and unpredictable (just like me!) ASK!

I will not be your one night stand. Prove to me that you are worth it!

When I trust him and he loves me.

Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t say no! I say it all the time.

It involves open communication and respect.