One of the challenges when we talk about sexual consent is that there aren’t a lot of good examples for how to have the conversation with a potential partner. After all, most of the time, these talks happen in private, which makes it hard to learn from someone else. Some of us are fortunate enough to have had a partner shepherd us through the process or take a workshop on communication, but for most folks, it’s a matter of trial and error.
I’ve always believed that if you can’t ask for what you want, you’re going to have a much harder time getting it. But while that’s easy to say, it can be difficult to do anything about it. Almost everyone has ways in which talking about sex brings up challenges. Perhaps you don’t have the language to ask for what you want. Or you’re worried about how your partner might react. Or you’re concerned that if you ask for what you want, it will mean something about you. Or you fear rejection. Or that you feel shame for your desires. Or maybe, simply that you’ve had unpleasant experiences when you’ve tried talking about sex and that makes it harder to bring up again.
