Consent.  According to the Oxford English Dictionary consent is “Voluntary agreement to or acquiescence in what another proposes or desires; compliance, concurrence, permission,” permission.  Yeah, I gave him permission, there was no struggle, and I never said “no,” never said “stop.” So, I guess, I really wasn’t raped.  Of course, who can give consent when they are very nearly black out drunk, could you.  If you cannot even walk in a straight line on your own, if you will not remember every single part of the night, if you cannot speak without slurring your words, can you really give consent?  No.  I don’t think so.

Honestly, I don’t think that he is such a bad guy.  What do you expect when every voice he hears is saying, “yeah, go for it,” or “you’re both drunk so it’s okay.” Uhm no, it is not okay.  In what universe would you ever think that it would be okay to take a girl that is that drunk home with you, the girl who literally fell into your lap.  Lucky, damn right you got lucky.  Who tells these guys that this is okay, why the fuck do we put up with it.  Empowerment, my ass, Cosmo says you have better sex when you are sober, aren’t we all about having great sex; great consensual sex.  What I want to know is who the hell can look themselves in the mirror after correcting the level of drunkenness reported by their hookup:

So, how drunk were you last night?

Uhm, fairly drunk, slightly more than average…I guess.

Ha, really, really drunk.

Alright, and how the hell don’t you think that’s wrong.  But I guess it is my fault isn’t it? My fault for going out, for over indulging, I was asking for it right?  Uh uh.  Wrong.

You have a brain, you have a conscience, hell you’re fucking hot; you don’t need a girl to have had 5 or more drinks for you to get some.  So why did you do it?  Maybe you can explain it to me and I’ll understand.  Maybe you can explain it to me and I’ll stop feeling physically ill every time that I see you, every time that I dwell on this.

You see, sex isn’t just physical, sex is chemical, and as much as I want to slap you across the face, I still want to be near you.  I want to be close to you, to have you want me for the person that I am and that’s what makes me sick to my stomach, to the point that it is almost hard to breathe.  The fact that I can’t help it, I hate myself for wanting to be with you.  And the worst part?  You don’t even give a damn.  It’s just chemicals, and I gave consent.

Join director Nancy Schwartzman and Men Can Stop Rape on Thursday, July 22nd for the Washington, DC premiere of the documentary film THE LINE!

THE LINE is a 24 minute documentary that explores the intersection of sexual identity, power and violence. How do we negotiate our boundaries as sexually liberated women? How much are we desensitized to sexual violence? Through conversations with football players, educators, survivors of violence, sex workers at the Bunny Ranch, and attorneys, this personal film explores the “grey area” and the elusive line of consent.

Following the screening, THE LINE director Nancy Schwartzman, AEquitas and Men Can Stop Rape will facilitate discussion on how to use the film as a teaching tool among advocates, prosecutors, and college men.

THE LINE is the first film to join the Men Creating Change (MCC) Film & Speaker Series. Men Creating Change is the nation’s most comprehensive strategy to engage college men in creating sustainable programming on campuses to create cultures free from violence against women.

THE LINE Washington, DC Premiere & Discussion

• Thursday, July 22, 2010  |  6:00 pm – 7:30 pm
• Center for Education on Violence Against Women
• 801 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Suite 375 | Washington, DC 20004

RSVP is required! Space is limited: RSVP ASAP!

Send full name and organization affiliation by 7/21 to nbates@ncjfcj.org.

Light refreshments will be provided.

Follow the event on Facebook |  Learn more about THE LINE and Men Creating Change.

Tweet This: Join @mencanstoprape & @thelinecampaign on 7/22 for DC premiere of THE LINE http://tinyurl.com/linedc #THELINEdc

Sponsored by:

The Center  for Education on Violence Against Women is a partnership between National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges and the Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women, made possible by TA Cooperative Agreement Award Number 2007-TA-AX-K016.

As the new editor of this blog, I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who responded with such fire to our call to action. We’re stronger now, and here comes the tidal wave: we’re going to be introducing all of our new bloggers and exploring the power of our voices throughout this week.

We asked YOU, in all corners of the USA- and beyond- the same question: where is your line?

And you told us:

It’s common-fucking-sense.

Folks crowded up to the bar and sat along the wall for cushy seats. We give extra love to those who sat on the concrete barroom floor. Julia Weis and Meredith Villano, of Paradigm Shift hosted the event and got us the Time Out critic’s pick for the night. I was extra nervous to present the film to the home-town crowd, but was rewarded by watching the story work as a catalyst to bring folks together to talk about consent, accountability, and creating a real change in our communities and bedrooms.

After the film, I answered questions – and to my delight – fielded one from the bartender, proving that everyone has a stake in the conversation. He wanted to discuss the socialization of men, and how we applaud male promiscuity, and judge the same behavior in females. I bounced his question to Joe, who could address the work being done by men to challenge male assumptions and socialization.

Joe mentioned that even doing this work personally and professionally, his gut when watching the film, still ran to victim blaming and doubting it ‘was rape’ first.

Even as I KNEW that wasn’t the case, and knew it was socialization, I couldn’t help but go to that place of questioning (you) and getting defensive.

I asked him later about using the film in his work as an educator:

The film helps us frame sexual violence not ONLY as a women’s issue but men’s issue, and it helps us address the nuances of mens responsibility as a whole/group for the violence committed by a not so small small minority of men. My dad (bless him) actually pointed out that I should have also mentioned that we don’t want to ‘other’ violent men, that we are ALL educated/socialized to be violent, and all have that potential.

Erin Burrows explained her work as an activist with SAFER and their unique campus-based perspective:

We can prevent sexual assault through a strong communally shared and agreed upon definition of consent that accounts for a wide range of sexualities, and that a definition of consent must put the onus of obtaining consent on the initiator, and insist that silence, a previous or current relationship or consent to a previous sexual act is NOT consent.

She emphasized that a strong sexual assault policy for a contained community, such as a college campus, must hold people who violate consent accountable through a fair disciplinary process.

Ignacio Rivera really called out the idea of privilege and reminded me that the personal is political. They discussed the importance of harm-reduction, non biased and non judgmental approaches to assessing risk, communication and best practice for sexual health. The concept and practice of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC) were cited as examples, and were new terms for a lot of folks in the room, myself included. Ignacio made clear that we can all learn from the queer, kink and BDSM communities when we talk about consent and sexual behavior.

Melissa Gira Grant asked the question about how we could respond to the topics raised in the film and during the panel that address the needs of the queer community. Erin responded that a movement for sexual assault policy reform must come from a broad coalition of students that is sex-positive, trans and genderqueer inclusive, and accounts for the intersectionality of multiple identities and how that impacts a person’s experience as a survivor of sexual assault. Ignacio underscored their point about taking cues and lessons from the complexities of consent from within the kink and BDSM communities. I chimed in that we’re planning on shooting some short videos to accompany the educational package of THE LINE that will include these discussions and perspectives.

Audience member Kalimah Priforce spoke up:

I am a victim of rape. When I was two years old, my mother was giving me a bath. I slipped and fell, and was bleeding. My father punished her, and raped her. My brother was born of this rape, and I buried him 18 years later. Men need to stop this violence, because we are all effected by it.

After a bleak political week, including an escelation of the war in Afghanistan and the voting down of marraige equality in New York State, hosting and provoking dialogue about creating more sex-positive education, conversations and communities, was a big, bright spot. What are some other ways you’d like to continue this dialogue?

Hi Nancy,

P.S. And I don’t have a blog so here is a post that you can put on the website blog:

Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m a Resident Assistant at Willamette University. Every year, the Office of Residence Life puts on a sexual assault and wellness program, and this year we wanted to show the Line! We had the Director of the Health Center there, as well as a representative from Willamette University Men Against Violence (which, like it sounds, is a male-run social activism group), one from the Gay-Straight Alliance, and I myself am a volunteer for a sexual assault and domestic abuse hotline. Sadly, the turnout wasn’t as large as we had hoped for, but oh well.

We watched the film and then we split into two different discussion groups, one that was mixed gender and one that was female only. We did this for the comfort of the participants, in case there were any survivors who maybe wanted to share experiences but didn’t want to do it in front of guys. I facilitated discussion in the women-only group, and two other people headed up the other group. We asked questions like, “Why is it important to know your own line? How can you know your partner’s and how does perception of gender play into this? What do you think about our justice system and do you agree with the perceptions presented in the film?”

In our group, the discussion focused on rape culture, and how guys who are otherwise nice guys can be saturated with really backwards ideas of how to treat women, and what small things can be done to change this. In the mixed-gender group, they focused on the sexiness of consent, the nature of sexual relationships, and what respect means. One thing that was said was, if you are about to have sex with someone and you say “Do you want to have sex?” And they say, “Yes!” that’s pretty much the sexiest thing you could hear right then. And if they say anything but “Yes,” well, aren’t you really really glad you asked then?

Everyone had a really good time and there were many who suggested that our area do more documentary and discussion style events. Overall, a success!

One thing that was really interesting that someone shared in our group, she was at a party and this guy was talking to her, but just brushing her hand or her shoulder, or lightly brushing his hand across her hair once in a while, and it really freaked her out. It crossed a line for her. She just escaped the situation and shrugged it off, but she wondered, if she had called him out on it, he probably would have gotten mad and found some other woman to flirt with. But what if that next woman had also called him out on it? What if every woman he did that to called him out on it and rejected his line-crossing? It just reminded me that we as women can’t just wait for some guys to be respectful, but as a movement, as a group we have to demand it and not accept anything less.

Jamais si je peux pas me regarder le lendemain dans la glace

Jamais defoncee

Want to hazard a translation?

A few clues: Never, mirror & trashed

SEX. CONSENT. POWER. PLEASURE.
Film, Conversation, & Community

THE LINE, documentary screening
see trailer http://thelinemovie.org
&
Panel discussion featuring:
NANCY SCHWARTZMAN, Filmmaker
ERIN BURROWS, Students Active For Ending Rape
JOSEPH SAMALIN, Men Can Stop Rape, Campus Strength Coordinator
IGNACIO RIVERA, Sex educator, Organizer & Performance Artist

Attendees are welcome to discuss & document their thoughts on consent for the “Where is Your Line?” campaign

Tuesday, December 1, 2009
7PM at Gallery Bar, 120 Orchard Street (between Delancey & Rivington)

Cost: $7 if you RSVP before Dec. 1st, 12:00 noon / Students FREE / $10 at door

RSVP (include full name and guests): rsvp@paradigmshiftnyc.com

PARTICIPATE:
Calling all progressives! Promote this event and we’ll help promote your organization!
Email: JWeis@paradigmshiftnyc.com

PARTNERS:
Identity House
http://www.identityhouse.org

NOW NYS Young Feminist Task Force
http://youngfeministtaskforce.blogspot.com

Amy Mitten Photography
amittensphoto@aol.com

Thoughts sparked from a follow up workshop from last week’s screening at the New School. Students watched THE LINE and had a week to process, and bring back some writing. This class was the first to tangle with and challenge using “the line” as a rhetorical tool and as a metaphor. Lots of participation and energy.

The writing prompts were: discuss a time when you asked for what you wanted, discuss a time when you had to negotiate your line, or discuss how the film made you feel. Our goal was to mirror the blogging process, where you take a story, bring it to a place beyond “personal catharsis” and share it with a larger public, and open up questions. We asked that listeners pipe up about what they wanted more of, and what were the cross-cutting themes.

I had nine students. Some questions that came up, I’ll put my group’s general responses in parenthesis:

When a line is crossed, but there’s no malicious intent… what’s that? (Hmm)

Where’s the line between rough play and real violence? (Hmm)

How do you “know” when its real violence? (You just know! Your body knows!)

Can sex become aggressive in the “heat of the moment” or is that deliberate?

Can you really be intimate with someone anonymous, or is that bullshit? (Bullshit! Its possible!)

And then dissent came over my group, and real frustrations were voiced. An outspoken mother of a teenage boy expressed  discomfort where her instincts and her socialization collide.  Her conflict came from knowing in her gut my story was a rape, but struggling to match it with her notions of rape. (I hope she contributes here, she has a lot to say!)

Mom continued with the idea of ongoing consent:

I don’t have a line. No means no and yes means yes is all bullshit. I don’t want to define it as “a line” its a feeling, a bodily response, its more subtle

Next to her a gal piped up:

Well, why do we have to label it as “rape”? Can’t we just call this “fucked up shit”, or “what the fuck was that?”, why do we need labels? And for that matter, why do I (a female) have to define my line? Isn’t that part of rape culture, making it my job?

A woman next to her was adamant:

Your line should be fought for and maintained, it is your responsibility. And if you wake up in the morning and realize what happened, and its not what you wanted and it was fucked up, well, you should just move on.

I jumped in here to suggest that “just moving on” doesn’t really change anything or effect dialogue. Not to mention that the notion of fighting or defending sort of eliminates the idea of sex for mutual pleasure.

From Melissa’s group:

My line, like, me, changes as I get to know you

Don’t make assumptions about me because of my gender

Assuming isn’t asking! It’s Cool to ask!

Can you read minds? I didn’t think so – so ask me!

Cross cutting themes: Power. Negotiation. Vocabulary. Communication. Respect. Frustration.

We forgot to talk about pleasure.