Posts Tagged ‘rape’

Sex::Tech 2010 was complicated

Last year I was a baby at Sex::Tech. I soaked up the intersections of public health, youth sexuality and technology for the first time. Scribbling in pen (pre-twitter!) notes on HIV/MSM/CDC/STI/SMS in my notebook… my mind buzzing from meeting like minded people using tools I hoped to access. I screened a rough cut of THE LINE during an unconference session and started to think critically about designing an outreach campaign to talk about sexual consent. @vniow introduced me to twitter, and I had yet to meet @melissagira who would work with me on creating this campaign. On my way out, I struck up a conversation with a woman on an elevator, and we discussed a critical missing element to our experience: the discussion of self-esteem, self-regard, and the emotional state of the subjects profiled. Basically, the “why” behind the what.

Flash forward to this year where Sex::Tech 2010 was a messy & complicated affair. In my opinion, this is a really good thing. There were major disagreements in style and approach to Sex Ed (mainly SexReally’s video: sexist and stupid v. funny and effective), frustration about whose voices are amplified, who can access technology and why we need to talk about pleasure. Here are some highlights from the keynote and twitter:

Queer youth get stuck figuring it out for themselves, since no one wants to answer our questions!” Include us!

Queer sex ed should be part of all sex ed, why not? We’re all in the same classes together at school!”

Salon rightfully slams that horrid “Guys are a@#$%^&” PSA from @SexReally seen at #sextech last weekend. http://bit.ly/csCgx3 (@vniow)

As Queer young POC at #sextech we did not feel acknowledged around our intersecting identities (@colorlatina)

Missing from sex ed: talking abt what to do w/feelings of lust, or love, that may come w/sexual intimacy. Not *just* abt condoms, STIs, etc (@tallanna)

I had the honor of presenting on two panels this year, and I was both excited and nervous, about the first one especially. “I Am A Feminist Sex Educator” moderated by Scarleteen’s Heather Corrina, with Dr. Jess Fields, author of “Risky Lessons: Sex Education and Social Inequality”, Educator Cory Silverberg from About.com and Come As You Are, Third Wave Foundation’s Melissa Gira Grant and me. As a filmmaker and activist, I was uncomfortable with the official-ness of the term “educator” but there were drop-outs in the room, and voicing my anxiety helped!

We kicked off by naming how we got to feminism, our backgrounds, experience, work and focus. Some highlights from the panel and the simultaneous tweets:

Two reasons to call ourselves feminists: 1) It connects w/history, movement. 2) It holds feminism accountable to represent us. -@JessFields

There’s no sex in #feminism? (like no crying in baseball) Bullshit! -@heathercorrina

Sexuality is such a racialized issue in USA and we don’t meaningfully talk about it in #sexed -@jessfield

Especially since I present as a man,” @corysilverberg says, I call myself a #feminist #sex educator cuz it REQUIRES explanation.

@melissagira suggests using “gender justice” along with #feminism when we talk about #sexed #sextech

Can BDSM be “feminist”? Does it matter?

Seems like there is still a lot to unpack re: #feminism, #sexed #gender justice & messaging when trying to reach #youth at #sextech

So there was the Twitter conversation and the public conversation. Confession: I actually tweeted during the Feminist Sex Ed panel, and another time I was called out for not posing my question to the group. Keynoter Beth Kanter discusses the back channel conversation. I personally love that you can pick up threads later, see what points resonate, or what pisses your audience off. Should those of us using twitter speak our questions and issues to the larger group? Is that disruptive to the panel or the room, or does it facilitate more lively conversation for those not in the room? Are we hiding behind twitter or having multiple conversations?

Using the Twitter back channel following my second panel “Reducing Stigma Through Social Networking” I was able to track the points and themes that stood out the most for people. This panel highlighted Whereisyourline.org alongside the work of Exhale a private and secure online space for women to discuss abortion, and the St. James Infirmary Clinic a for sex workers by sex workers health clinic. This was a space to talk about stigma and how peers talk and support each other. Some thoughts that floated around (sorry @mkeagle, they’re mostly yours!):

We raise women to survive in a rape culture, but we do nothing to talk to men about not raping. wow. (@mindofandre)

Wondering if @thelinecampaign deals with male rape victims, rape within LGBTQ communities etc… (@mkeagle)

So many awesome points here: sex workers looking for services, not being “rescued” or “saved.” (@mkeagle)

Really great audience question- can we reframe “consent” so it’s not so much aggressor v. gatekeeper?

Yesterday we talked about the challenges of accessing closed online communities; Exhale is pointing out some real positives. (@mkeagle)

This panel was incredibly exciting for me – it was complicated, and dealt with shame, stigma and emotions. A young woman approached us after the panel and shared her personal story, one that included all of the experiences that we had just named. She cried and smiled, and expressed relief that she had encountered a space at Sex::Tech to do that.

Other parallel conversations happening during the conference or over drinks:

Feeeirce back and forth about “hook up culture” was happening: a monolithic and clumsy term? “adult”? madeup panic? Most recently sparked by Rachel J Simmons, Kate Harding, Amanda Marcotte and more… and always, our blogger Carmen’s first-person war story.

Poly Sex v. Casual sex: can you have real intimacy w/strangers? managing expectations, “About Love,” by Bell Hooks, “Trouble With Normal” by Michael Warner and pending research from Heather Corrina.

… oh yea, and BDSM and Feminism. Why label specific sex acts “feminist”? credit BDSM culture for how we talk about verbal consent, and oh man, let’s hope college students are engaging in BDSM while sober, using safe words and with care.

Ok, so why was Sex::Tech complicated? Because we don’t all think to address and challenge sexism in our approach to sexual education, because we’re not queer and trans-inclusive in our pedagogy, because we don’t address intersectionality and privilege enough, because involving men in gender-violence prevention is still a new concept… and on and on…

If you’re comfortable in your coalition, your coalition isn’t big enough. I’m thrilled that these debates were sparked, and here’s to making Sex::Tech even BIGGER next year!

“I wasn’t raped” – what?

2.9.10 Ingrid | 13 Comments »

I lost my virginity junior year of High School, and compared to my friend’s first times, I was pretty late. When I would ask them about their first times, they would smile and proceed to tell me all the juicy details. I’ve always been a curious girl; I used to lie in bed when I was younger and touch myself, becoming acquainted with my pussy. Around fifth grade I discovered romance novels, via Danielle Steel, and reread steamy sex scenes and let them play out in my head. So naturally, I was very anxious to have sex. I ‘lost’ it to a guy five years older than my sixteen year-old self, but it was consensual and I was more than ready to get it over with. ‘Lost’ is a funny word to use since I didn’t lose it. I know where it went.

Fast-forward two years and a couple of months, and I’m lying on my bed in my dorm that I share with my roommate Vanessa (whose name I changed to protect her identity). Vanessa and I instantly became friends; we both have boyfriends, we’re both Latina, and we both love to eat. I don’t know if it was my array of women’s studies books or my reproductive system bandana hanging from my wall, but she felt comfortable talking to me about sex. Our conversation evolved from which positions we like best to what our first times were like. But instead of laughing it up, I started getting really pissed throughout her first time story. Vanessa couldn’t tell if her first time was consensual or if it was rape. She justified it, since at the time, he was her boyfriend.

Vanessa’s story goes like this: She met Jose (not his name) when she was seventeen through friends, and the first time they hung out, it was her first time getting really drunk. They started making out, which led to dry-humping, which led to them moving into a bedroom. He started to finger her and she told him to stop so he stopped, and told her he wanted to respect her since he grew up with women and his dad was always in jail. After that, they started going out, and after a month he told her he loved her. A month after that, she snuck out of her house (which was becoming routine) and went to Jose’s. They were drinking, and Vanessa felt drunk off a few beers. He drank the same amount as she did, said he was drunk too. They started making out on a couch in his living room. Vanessa realized later that he was faking drunk, since it normally took him about six times the amount he drank that night. He turned the couch into a bed and without her knowing, he got up to get a condom. He got naked, got on top of her and asked, “Are you sure?” All she could do was nod her head. She told me that she felt pressured into having sex, and once they started doing it, she couldn’t wait for him to get off cause it hurt so much. Afterward, he left her there crying so he could go to sleep in his room.

Months later, she started questioning him about that night, he would angrily ask her “what are you implying?” so she dropped it. When she asked her friends about it, they told her to not worry, because it’s “just sex”. But it’s not just sex. Sex doesn’t make you replay every action in your head, finding all the ways to blame yourself. Even if he was your boyfriend and you wanted to please him; if he really loved you then he would respect you.

This semester, I moved to a different dorm and one of my roommates told me a similar story about her first time. He wasn’t her boyfriend, but he was a guy at school that she had a crush on. She also couldn’t tell if it was rape, or if being forced the first time was normal. Why were my friends scared to admit that it was rape, because their friends were telling them not to worry about it?

If we call these experiences what they are – rape, would that even be helpful? I think that it would be. Let’s not forget the definition of the word. By being silent, you are being violent towards yourself. You are denying yourself the right to speak up and be heard. It’s up to you if want to Phoolan-Devi-it or whatnot, but by letting those assholes off the hook, we all let them know that they can get away with anything. And we, as listeners, need to not minimize these stories when we hear them.

Vanessa is in a great relationship right now, with a man who loves and respects her. Everyone deserves both, or at least respect, especially for their first time.

Send us Your Line!

9. Don’t Forget: You Can’t Have Sex with Someone Unless They Are Awake!

12.16.09 Nancy | 3 Comments »

Yesterday, my Mom emailed me CNN’s article “Rape Victims Offer Advice to College Women” chock full of helpful tips about how we women can avoid being raped while attending college. The article highlights the study put forward by the Center for Public Integrity about rampant sexual assault on college campuses, and how most often schools fail the victims. The study reveals a lack of transparency on campus, and a culture of secrecy combined with barriers to reporting.

So we’ve moved beyond blaming the victim to blaming the institution? Sorry, folks, that’s just not good enough. I replied to my Mom’s email with:

THEY SHOULD BE TEACHING COLLEGE MEN NOT TO RAPE!

Nowhere did this widely circulating article mention preventing violence before it happens. How’s about a little prevention education for teen boys, prevention education for freshman boys, prevention education for football stars, prevention education for film students, prevention education for fratboys, prevention education for valedictorians, prevention education for nice Jewish boys, prevention education for student body presidents, or good old prevention education directed at those who initiate sexual activity and perpetrate non-consensual sex?

My Mom hearkened back to a bygone era captured in film:

In the Philadelphia Story with Katherine Hepburn, there is a marvelous scene:

Kate has gotten drunk the night before her wedding to husband #2 and gone swimming (with a suit on!) after midnight with a handsome reporter. She is so drunk that he has to carry her to her room. At the time of the midnight swim Kate is being plagued by memory of being called cold and unfeeling, almost not human.

The handsome reporter tells the fiancé to simmer down, nothing happened. Kate explodes asking, “why am I so unattractive?”

Now the good part. Handsome reporter replies, “you were drunk and there are rules about that!”

Somewhere we have forgotten the rules. Love MOM

*Sigh* Yup, but not all of us have forgotten the rules, Men Can Stop Rape, PreventConnect, SAFER, White Ribbon, Byron Hurt and many more are working diligently to reach out and educate young men to end gender-based violence against women.

But until then, here are some handy tips GUARANTEED TO PREVENT SEXUAL ASSAULT, brought to you by the Feminist Law Professors:

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

NYC Screening + Community

12.6.09 Nancy | 1 Comment »

Last week, over 100 New Yorkers (and a few strays from New Jersey) crowded into Gallery Bar to watch THE LINE and hear from a kick-ass group of panelists, including: Erin Burrows of SAFER, Joe Samalin of Men Can Stop Rape, and Ignacio Rivera, trans artist, poet and educator. Thanks to everyone that came out and gave their voice and support!

Folks crowded up to the bar and sat along the wall for cushy seats. We give extra love to those who sat on the concrete barroom floor. Julia Weis and Meredith Villano, of Paradigm Shift hosted the event and got us the Time Out critic’s pick for the night. I was extra nervous to present the film to the home-town crowd, but was rewarded by watching the story work as a catalyst to bring folks together to talk about consent, accountability, and creating a real change in our communities and bedrooms.

After the film, I answered questions – and to my delight – fielded one from the bartender, proving that everyone has a stake in the conversation. He wanted to discuss the socialization of men, and how we applaud male promiscuity, and judge the same behavior in females. I bounced his question to Joe, who could address the work being done by men to challenge male assumptions and socialization.

Joe mentioned that even doing this work personally and professionally, his gut when watching the film, still ran to victim blaming and doubting it ‘was rape’ first.

Even as I KNEW that wasn’t the case, and knew it was socialization, I couldn’t help but go to that place of questioning (you) and getting defensive.

I asked him later about using the film in his work as an educator:

The film helps us frame sexual violence not ONLY as a women’s issue but men’s issue, and it helps us address the nuances of mens responsibility as a whole/group for the violence committed by a not so small small minority of men. My dad (bless him) actually pointed out that I should have also mentioned that we don’t want to ‘other’ violent men, that we are ALL educated/socialized to be violent, and all have that potential.

Erin Burrows explained her work as an activist with SAFER and their unique campus-based perspective:

We can prevent sexual assault through a strong communally shared and agreed upon definition of consent that accounts for a wide range of sexualities, and that a definition of consent must put the onus of obtaining consent on the initiator, and insist that silence, a previous or current relationship or consent to a previous sexual act is NOT consent.

She emphasized that a strong sexual assault policy for a contained community, such as a college campus, must hold people who violate consent accountable through a fair disciplinary process.

Ignacio Rivera really called out the idea of privilege and reminded me that the personal is political. They discussed the importance of harm-reduction, non biased and non judgmental approaches to assessing risk, communication and best practice for sexual health. The concept and practice of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC) were cited as examples, and were new terms for a lot of folks in the room, myself included. Ignacio made clear that we can all learn from the queer, kink and BDSM communities when we talk about consent and sexual behavior.

Melissa Gira Grant asked the question about how we could respond to the topics raised in the film and during the panel that address the needs of the queer community. Erin responded that a movement for sexual assault policy reform must come from a broad coalition of students that is sex-positive, trans and genderqueer inclusive, and accounts for the intersectionality of multiple identities and how that impacts a person’s experience as a survivor of sexual assault. Ignacio underscored their point about taking cues and lessons from the complexities of consent from within the kink and BDSM communities. I chimed in that we’re planning on shooting some short videos to accompany the educational package of THE LINE that will include these discussions and perspectives.

Audience member Kalimah Priforce spoke up:

I am a victim of rape. When I was two years old, my mother was giving me a bath. I slipped and fell, and was bleeding. My father punished her, and raped her. My brother was born of this rape, and I buried him 18 years later. Men need to stop this violence, because we are all effected by it.

After a bleak political week, including an escelation of the war in Afghanistan and the voting down of marraige equality in New York State, hosting and provoking dialogue about creating more sex-positive education, conversations and communities, was a big, bright spot. What are some other ways you’d like to continue this dialogue?

Posts Tagged ‘rape’

Sex::Tech 2010 was complicated

9. Don’t Forget: You Can’t Have Sex with Someone Unless They Are Awake!

NYC Screening + Community

Exciting news!

Stay Connected!

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Posts Tagged ‘rape’

Sex::Tech 2010 was complicated

“I wasn’t raped” – what?

9. Don’t Forget: You Can’t Have Sex with Someone Unless They Are Awake!

NYC Screening + Community

Paradigm Shift & SAFER Present

Exciting news!

Stay Connected!

search our site

what you said about

most recent blog posts

archives