Photo via Álvaro Canivell on flickr.

Today I was browsing facebook at work (don’t tell my boss!) and I saw a status from a girl I went to high school with.  Admittedly, I don’t know her all that well, but as one of the few other out-and-proud people I know to come out of that school, I feel some solidarity with her. Her status was:

niggas get salty as shit when they find out a female is GAY.get over it.if i was straight i wouldnt want your ass anyways. =) have a good day!

I nodded in agreement.  Sure, I’m not entirely sure what it means to get salty, but if has anything to do with men getting hostile when you spurn their advances, I totally get it.  I read through the comments, most of which were other women, both straight and gay, agreeing that men really need to take a hint when they are barking up the wrong tree, whether or not the ‘tree’ in question is queer.  Of course, one guy told her “U bad n niggaz is gon holla get ova it gurl…lol.”  Of course, an attractive woman of ANY sexual orientation really should just “get over it. “  Sexual harassment is just part of a woman’s life, like death and taxes.

Of course, I’m never content to leave well enough alone.  I commented,

In reference to this comment: “U bad n niggaz is gon holla get ova it gurl…lol”
Geez, D—- [name redacted], don’t you know that as a women, especially a woman of color, your body is communal property for men to ogle at and, if they so desire, possess? Regardless of whether or not you ascribe to their misogynistic, heterosexist worldview. Duh.
Fuck that.  T elling a woman to “get over” sexual harassment, especially harassment rooted so deeply in homophobia, is disgusting. Reacting poorly to the news that a woman is gay is essentially admitting that you view all heterosexual women as potential sexual conquests. Is that REALLY how you feel about 50% of the population?
Good on you, D—-, for calling that bullshit out

And I firmly stand behind what I said.  Is it playing into the kyriarchy to interject my privileged white view of the situation into a conversation among people of color?  Probably.  But the beautiful thing about the kyriarchy is that it doesn’t oppress in a straight line.  It’s impossible to say who comes from a place of more privilege when a white, queer woman challenges a statement made by a black, straight man.  That doesn’t mean this statement didn’t get me into trouble:

@ M  Wow. Not necessarily agreeing with the referenced comment but it would seem like most of the hollering happens before the guy finds out Danielle is gay. You might have picked the wrong example to use for your argument. Thats what her status is implying. If anything dudes trying to get at a girl is a testament to her attractiveness.
What does her being a “woman of color” have to do with anything? Is that your selling point so you can spew your empty rhetoric? People in general ogle and desire and eventually attempt to possess what they find appealing. I dont see that in anyway misogynistic.
With that being said I dont think men should get upset when a female tells you she is gay. Just respect it, brush it off and move on to one of the straight fish in the sea…”

Oh, you’re right.  I’m sorry, it has nothing to do with homophobia.  I forgot, women of all sexual orientations  are property. And so, I replied:

T—, do a little research. Try googling “hottentot venus,” for example. There is centuries of precedent for women of color being eroticized as being “exotic” or exceptionally sexual. Literature of the early 20th century, especially, ingrained in American culture that black women were particularly dangerous in their excessive sexuality.
As for their “hollering” occurring before they know she’s gay — I acknowledge that. I don’t, however, rescind my judgment of that being misogynistic. When a man makes an unwanted sexual remark (and, in this case, won’t apologize, and is instead angry, when he discovers exactly how unwanted it is), he is exerting his social power over the woman. Studies show that EIGHTY PERCENT of women worldwide report feeling afraid or threatened on a regular basis by sexual comments from men.
Harassment isn’t a compliment.
And if it the phrase “women of color” that offends you, I apologize. I meant it only as a less specific term to encompass all non-white women. Think about the hypersexualized stereotypes of Latina women or the excessive use of Asian women in fetish pornography. The bodies of non-white women suffer exceptionally under the male gaze.

But I think T— and I got sidetracked.  I don’t think men like T– will ever come around to the idea that repeated, unwanted advances are sexual harassment and that this behavior is based on the idea that women can be possessed and lack the power to say no.  Or maybe I’m wrong and he CAN be enlightened, but ultimately, that isn’t what we started off arguing.  The issue at hand here was that when a lesbian tells a man she isn’t interested BECAUSE SHE IS GAY, he gets angry.  And that anger is on the same continuum with rage.  The kind of rage that kills women like Sakia Gunn, a fifteen year old queer woman of color who was stabbed to death for rebuffing the advances of a stranger.  The kind of rage that gives me flashbacks to waking up in the hospital when the last thing I remember is being outed to a group of men I didn’t know.

When a woman tells a man, “no thanks, I’m a lesbian,” he has no right to be angry.  He does not own this woman or any other.

The World Cup has officially begun in South Africa. Recently BBC news featured a segment about the all-lesbian football club, The Chosen Few, in Johanasburg. Andrew Harding spoke with striker, Tumi Mkhuma about the football club and its importance as a support group for these lesbian athletes who are harassed constantly because of their sexuality. Tumi refers to her football teammates as family and Harding concludes that football is making a real difference for these women in South Africa.

As South Africa’s excitement for hosting the World Cup reaches its peak, these women remember Eudy Simelane, a member of the South African Women’s National team, who had been raped and murdered in 2008.

Eudy was murdered in what is called a “corrective rape.” They are targeted at lesbians, are horrifying, brutal, and continue to go on. Tumi told Harding,

Homophobia is rising, really rising. I’ve been through a lot in this community. I even have wounds in my body from being attacked for being lesbian.

Tumi knows who her rapist is and sees him in her neighborhood, yet justice has yet to be served. She is forced to see this man who brought trauma into her life, and nothing is being done to put him in jail. With the rise of homophobia, the team sticks together.

Take Action! Show your support and sign the petition to end corrective rapes.

A student of the fabulous Shira Tarrant at Cal State University, Long Beach who also came out to my screening in April. Congratulations, Feminist!

Flying Broom kicked off its 13th year with an elaborately staged feminist (?) version of Macbeth. Much of this was lost on me, but I was transfixed by the smoke, and the actresses moving around the stage and the unapologetically political opening speech. The festival creator decried the stereotype of “woman as evil” in society. The festival coordinators Bilge Taş and Irina Inostroza were fantastic. Some tweets collected from the event:

Flying Broom opened w/famous actors playing Macbeth and three witches subverting the plot. Live drums. Capes. Brooms. #weird

Director of Flying Broom gave speech about FGM, sexuality rights, political oppression, sexism, & freedom. Not your usual thank u blah blah

Abortion is legal, available and a non-political issue in Turkey *shh we don’t want to jinx it. Its just there, available & not an issue

Flying Broom gourmet Buffet: cheese puffs, cucumbers, yogurt/dill, lamb meatballs, chick pea salad, bread. #heaven

The theme of the festival was “Bad Women in Cinema” with a focus on “Evil”. The filmmakers would continue to ponder the theme throughout the festival. Were they talking about the evils inflicted on women in the name of tradition, culture, patriarchy and religion? Sure seemed that way from the films that were selected. Or did they mean, that we women were evil, according to society? And whose society? I prefer to think of us as “bad-ass” not “bad” women in cinema, riding broom sticks and kicking up our heels.

These bad-ass women included German, Swiss, Dutch and Turkish film directors, academics, cultural presenters and activists, including the wonderful @ClinicEscort who took amazing pictures. We spent the days watching films, drinking beers and wine, discussing international feminism, the German film system v. the American system, dating Turkish men when you’re a feminist Turkish woman, and what films scandalized the Turkish right-wing papers, mainly Baise-Moi.  To make sweeping generalizations: Turkish feminists are incredibly brave and German women are fierce and assertive. A great crowd.

My screening was advertised as “Body Politics” and the translation of the title was “One-night Stand”. We had a full house with 90 minutes of questions, answers, and sometimes 4-part statements. The room was filled with secular men an women, and Muge was my fearless, concise, clear, and skilled translator. It was exhilarating to share the film with such a passionate audience, to out myself as a Jew, a slut, a rape survivor, all of it. In all, during the film, the audience was quiet, no laughter, really, but an audible murmur went through the crowd here, especially when he said: “I’m not trying to put the blame on you, don’t misunderstand me.”

Some questions from the audience:

How do you think about women in the East (Turkey, Jerusalem) who are considered “precious”, so they are covered, but also oppressed, versus women in the West (USA, Europe) considered “free”, so they are liberated, but treated as commodities?

Do you have good sex w/your husband?

How do you think pornography factors into “rape culture”?

Can you describe the physical repercussions of the assault?

That last question made people go nuts. I took it at face value that the man who asked the question was curious about the physicality of what happened. Fair enough. I answered. A woman lept to her feet arguing that he was a “wanker” for asking (poor Muge had to translate the term “wanker”). I countered that the movie is clear and detailed, and I’ll accept it as an innocent question. Turns out, 1. he’s a jerk, the women know him from other events 2. by asking me that question, in that room, in front of the group, he was being pornographic and purposely offensive.

Fascinating, because his question in that context seemed alright, but in my language I would have been more skilled at sniffing out who/why/how that person was asking. Made me wonder if my film is pornographic? I detail sex acts, I film girls at Spring Break? If Baise-Moi had the Turkish press up in arms, why was mine ok?

The Turkish audience was not shy!  They love to talk, debate and argue, felt right at home. I was chided in ways for being too inclusive in the way I answered questions. I try to acknowledge people’s biases around rape and help them along, while a member of the radical feminist organization would have preferred if we had excluded men from the conversation. Throughout the dialogue, I was clear in any discussion of “culture” or “tradition” as a means to excuse behavior, that no matter how violent, sexist, traditional and/or misogynist the culture you come from, each person does make a choice to rape or not to rape, to listen or not to listen, to violate or to respect. Sexual violation is incredibly complex and very simple.  Clearly something we could have kept discussing.

Other amazing films presented:

The Day I Became A Woman, Marzieh Makhmalbaf, (2000) Iran – loved this, beautiful, haunting story of three Iranian women at different stages of their lives. Incredibly moving, with incredible images.

Te doy Mis Oyos, or Take My Eyes, Iciar Bollain, (2003) Spain – I’m going to have to agree with Manohla Dargis here. A sometimes chilling film about a domestic violence set in Spain, but muddled by over-acting and  irresponsible writing. Because we know so little about the protagonist, her psycho-sexual dynamic w/her abuser doesn’t make sense, and confirms the myth that “she likes it”. Considering this story from Spain, possibly did more harm than good.

The Jungle Radio, Susanne Jaeger, (2009) Germany- In heart of rural Nicaragua, deep in the jungle, Yamileth Chavarria has founded a citizens’ radio station with a unique mission: the fight against the all-prevalent domestic violence.  The endemic levels of violence, corruption and sexism women in the village faced was overwhelming, makes our online debates about feminisms seem pretty luxurious. I loved the film and the incredible protagonist, Yamileth Chavarria – everyone should know about her work. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Close to You, Almut Getto, (2008) Germany – quirky, polished and sophisticated comedy and love story between dysfunctional German man and blind cello player, featuring a tortoise. It was a breathe of fresh air among all of our heavy, intense films. Almut’s first feature Do Fish Do It apparently had more sex and feminist themes, and I’d very much like to see it. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Turkish Films:
Tulay German: Year of Fire and Cinders, (2010) Turkey, Didem Pekun & Baris Dogrusoz- personal documentary about the singer Tulay German and the director. Tülay German was born in 1935 to a rather privileged family. Her choice of career and a relationship with a leftist contradicted the wishes of her parents and their relationship suffered infinitely as a consequence. Taken from the singer’s autobiography: ‘The Black Box of The Plane Which Never Crashed’. Beautiful music – and fantastic archival footage. *present at festival, official drinking partner.

Men on the Bridge, Azli Olge (2009) Turkey -tells the story about the young generation who lives in the suburbs of Istanbul and come to the center of the city, the Bosphorus Bridge, to make a living. The film is a hybrid documentary/narrative, based on real people and characters, but scripted and acted by non-actors. Great film about class, politics, poverty, assimilation, a real window into the lives of people in Istanbul.

Films I didn’t see by fabulous women I had drinks with:

Winter Silence, Sonja Wyss (2009) Holland -experimental narrative film about a widow and her four daughters set in a snowy Swiss landscape. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Shortcut to Justice, Sybille Fezer & Daniel Burkholz (2009) Germany – women in rural India take justice into their own hands and start their own courts to serve the community, especially the women. Sybille is a first-time filmmaker taking her skills and experience working for women’s justice and health  at various NGOs and translating into film. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

NOTE: At the time of this reposting, there are seven days left to give to HB!

Hollaback! is a movement to end street harassment. They believe that street harassment isn’t the price you pay for living in a city, taxes are.

Hollaback! started in 2005, when they combined cell phone cameras with blogs to give women and LGBT folks a bad-ass response to street harassment. The idea was simple: to create a world where everyone could feel safe, confident, and sexy when they walk down the street. The movement grew, and Hollaback! is now in eight cities across the world.

Street harassment is poised to be the next significant women’s movement, in the same way workplace harassment was in the 1980s. To push this issue over the tipping point, Hollaback! is revamping and combining mapping with real-time reporting to collect the first-ever data on when and where street harassment happens. They are developing an iPhone app to make this possible, with SMS texting to come. Using the collective voices of women and the LGBT community, they are going to use the map to bring awareness to this insidious issue.

But they need your help. The are running a campaign on Kickstarter right now and they’ve already raised $5,000. But here’s the catch: they don’t get any of the money unless they raise the next $8,000 in 9 days.

Five dollars can buy you a footlong, or a cocktail, or some expensive coffee. Now it can also buy you a world where you get to be your sassy, fearless self all the time. A world where you don’t have to “check” your gender or your sexuality before you walk out the door.

Donate to Hollaback! today to create the world you deserve. Do it for yourself, do it for the future.

You have the right to feel safe, confident and sexy when you walk down the street.

Last year I was a baby at Sex::Tech. I soaked up the intersections of public health, youth sexuality and technology for the first time. Scribbling in pen (pre-twitter!) notes on HIV/MSM/CDC/STI/SMS in my notebook… my mind buzzing from meeting like minded people using tools I hoped to access. I screened a rough cut of THE LINE during an unconference session and started to think critically about designing an outreach campaign to talk about sexual consent. @vniow introduced me to twitter, and I had yet to meet @melissagira who would work with me on creating this campaign. On my way out, I struck up a conversation with a woman on an elevator, and we discussed a critical missing element to our experience: the discussion of self-esteem, self-regard, and the emotional state of the subjects profiled. Basically, the “why” behind the what.

Flash forward to this year where Sex::Tech 2010 was a messy & complicated affair. In my opinion, this is a really good thing. There were major disagreements in style and approach to Sex Ed (mainly SexReally’s video: sexist and stupid v. funny and effective), frustration about whose voices are amplified, who can access technology and why we need to talk about pleasure.  Here are some highlights from the keynote and twitter:

Queer youth get stuck figuring it out for themselves, since no one wants to answer our questions!” Include us!

Queer sex ed should be part of all sex ed, why not? We’re all in the same classes together at school!”

Salon rightfully slams that horrid “Guys are a@#$%^&” PSA from @SexReally seen at #sextech last weekend. http://bit.ly/csCgx3 (@vniow)

As Queer young POC at #sextech we did not feel acknowledged around our intersecting identities (@colorlatina)

Missing from sex ed: talking abt what to do w/feelings of lust, or love, that may come w/sexual intimacy. Not *just* abt condoms, STIs, etc (@tallanna)

I had the honor of presenting on two panels this year, and I was both excited and nervous, about the first one especially. “I Am A Feminist Sex Educator” moderated by Scarleteen’s Heather Corrina, with Dr. Jess Fields, author of “Risky Lessons: Sex Education and Social Inequality”, Educator Cory Silverberg from About.com and Come As You Are, Third Wave Foundation’s Melissa Gira Grant and me. As a filmmaker and activist, I was uncomfortable with the official-ness of the term “educator” but there were drop-outs in the room, and voicing my anxiety helped!

We kicked off by naming how we got to feminism, our backgrounds, experience, work and focus. Some highlights from the panel and the simultaneous tweets:

Two reasons to call ourselves feminists: 1) It connects w/history, movement. 2) It holds feminism accountable to represent us. -@JessFields

There’s no sex in #feminism? (like no crying in baseball) Bullshit! -@heathercorrina

Sexuality is such a racialized issue in USA and we don’t meaningfully talk about it in #sexed -@jessfield

Especially since I present as a man,” @corysilverberg says, I call myself a #feminist #sex educator cuz it REQUIRES explanation.

@melissagira suggests using “gender justice” along with #feminism when we talk about #sexed #sextech

Can BDSM be “feminist”? Does it matter?

Seems like there is still a lot to unpack re: #feminism, #sexed #gender justice & messaging when trying to reach #youth at #sextech

So there was the Twitter conversation and the public conversation. Confession: I actually tweeted during the Feminist Sex Ed panel, and another time I was called out for not posing my question to the group. Keynoter Beth Kanter discusses the back channel conversation. I personally love that you can pick up threads later, see what points resonate, or what pisses your audience off.  Should those of us using twitter speak our questions and issues to the larger group? Is that disruptive to the panel or the room, or does it facilitate more lively conversation for those not in the room? Are we hiding behind twitter or having multiple conversations?

Using the Twitter back channel following my second panel “Reducing Stigma Through Social Networking” I was able to track the points and themes that stood out the most for people. This panel highlighted Whereisyourline.org alongside the work of Exhale a private and secure online space for women to discuss abortion, and the St. James Infirmary Clinic a for sex workers by sex workers health clinic. This was a space to talk about stigma and how peers talk and support each other. Some thoughts that floated around (sorry @mkeagle, they’re mostly yours!):

We raise women to survive in a rape culture, but we do nothing to talk to men about not raping. wow. (@mindofandre)

Wondering if @thelinecampaign deals with male rape victims, rape within LGBTQ communities etc… (@mkeagle)

So many awesome points here: sex workers looking for services, not being “rescued” or “saved.” (@mkeagle)

Really great audience question- can we reframe “consent” so it’s not so much aggressor v. gatekeeper?

Yesterday we talked about the challenges of accessing closed online communities; Exhale is pointing out some real positives. (@mkeagle)

This panel was incredibly exciting for me – it was complicated, and dealt with shame, stigma and emotions. A young woman approached us after the panel and shared her personal story, one that included all of the experiences that we had just named. She cried and smiled, and expressed relief that she had encountered a space at Sex::Tech to do that.

Other parallel conversations happening during the conference or over drinks:

Feeeirce back and forth about “hook up culture” was happening: a monolithic and clumsy term? “adult”? madeup panic? Most recently sparked by Rachel J Simmons, Kate Harding, Amanda Marcotte and more… and always, our blogger Carmen’s first-person war story.

Poly Sex v. Casual sex: can you have real intimacy w/strangers? managing expectations, “About Love,” by Bell Hooks, “Trouble With Normal” by Michael Warner and pending research from Heather Corrina.

… oh yea, and BDSM and Feminism. Why label specific sex acts “feminist”? credit BDSM culture for how we talk about verbal consent, and oh man, let’s hope college students are engaging in BDSM while sober, using safe words and with care.

Ok, so why was Sex::Tech complicated? Because we don’t all think to address and challenge sexism in our approach to sexual education, because we’re not queer and trans-inclusive in our pedagogy, because we don’t address intersectionality and privilege enough, because involving men in gender-violence prevention is still a new concept… and on and on…

If you’re comfortable in your coalition, your coalition isn’t big enough. I’m thrilled that these debates were sparked, and here’s to making Sex::Tech even BIGGER next year!

Had a blast on Valentine’s Day at the Cowgirl Hall of Fame with the feminist twitter crew: @JerinAlam, @ClinicEscort, @sassbutt, @trixiefilms, @melissagira, @K_Bridgeman, @AdjoaSankofia, and @HappyFeminist. And yes, even as I read this, I’m still saying the “at” -  whatevs.

@MelissaGira sums it up:
Feminist brunch. Mimosas. Every conversation you think it would be (gender nonconformity, fetuses, grits, sex work).

We missed those that couldn’t make it!

Folks crowded up to the bar and sat along the wall for cushy seats. We give extra love to those who sat on the concrete barroom floor. Julia Weis and Meredith Villano, of Paradigm Shift hosted the event and got us the Time Out critic’s pick for the night. I was extra nervous to present the film to the home-town crowd, but was rewarded by watching the story work as a catalyst to bring folks together to talk about consent, accountability, and creating a real change in our communities and bedrooms.

After the film, I answered questions – and to my delight – fielded one from the bartender, proving that everyone has a stake in the conversation. He wanted to discuss the socialization of men, and how we applaud male promiscuity, and judge the same behavior in females. I bounced his question to Joe, who could address the work being done by men to challenge male assumptions and socialization.

Joe mentioned that even doing this work personally and professionally, his gut when watching the film, still ran to victim blaming and doubting it ‘was rape’ first.

Even as I KNEW that wasn’t the case, and knew it was socialization, I couldn’t help but go to that place of questioning (you) and getting defensive.

I asked him later about using the film in his work as an educator:

The film helps us frame sexual violence not ONLY as a women’s issue but men’s issue, and it helps us address the nuances of mens responsibility as a whole/group for the violence committed by a not so small small minority of men. My dad (bless him) actually pointed out that I should have also mentioned that we don’t want to ‘other’ violent men, that we are ALL educated/socialized to be violent, and all have that potential.

Erin Burrows explained her work as an activist with SAFER and their unique campus-based perspective:

We can prevent sexual assault through a strong communally shared and agreed upon definition of consent that accounts for a wide range of sexualities, and that a definition of consent must put the onus of obtaining consent on the initiator, and insist that silence, a previous or current relationship or consent to a previous sexual act is NOT consent.

She emphasized that a strong sexual assault policy for a contained community, such as a college campus, must hold people who violate consent accountable through a fair disciplinary process.

Ignacio Rivera really called out the idea of privilege and reminded me that the personal is political. They discussed the importance of harm-reduction, non biased and non judgmental approaches to assessing risk, communication and best practice for sexual health. The concept and practice of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC) were cited as examples, and were new terms for a lot of folks in the room, myself included. Ignacio made clear that we can all learn from the queer, kink and BDSM communities when we talk about consent and sexual behavior.

Melissa Gira Grant asked the question about how we could respond to the topics raised in the film and during the panel that address the needs of the queer community. Erin responded that a movement for sexual assault policy reform must come from a broad coalition of students that is sex-positive, trans and genderqueer inclusive, and accounts for the intersectionality of multiple identities and how that impacts a person’s experience as a survivor of sexual assault. Ignacio underscored their point about taking cues and lessons from the complexities of consent from within the kink and BDSM communities. I chimed in that we’re planning on shooting some short videos to accompany the educational package of THE LINE that will include these discussions and perspectives.

Audience member Kalimah Priforce spoke up:

I am a victim of rape. When I was two years old, my mother was giving me a bath. I slipped and fell, and was bleeding. My father punished her, and raped her. My brother was born of this rape, and I buried him 18 years later. Men need to stop this violence, because we are all effected by it.

After a bleak political week, including an escelation of the war in Afghanistan and the voting down of marraige equality in New York State, hosting and provoking dialogue about creating more sex-positive education, conversations and communities, was a big, bright spot. What are some other ways you’d like to continue this dialogue?