When I say, “my line is all about me, myself, and I!” I mean it. I mean that my line starts right where I begin to doubt whether or not I want to do something. My line is all about what makes me feel comfortable, because as much as I may want to make my partner happy, I should never have to do something I do not want to do. My perfect sexual encounter involves never having to feel like I have to sacrifice my wants for the needs of another. In order to fully enjoy myself, I have to be able to stop when I need to. In order to be a full on participant, and not just “let it happen”, I have to be able to stop when I need to. That’s why, when it comes to my line, it’s all about me.
‘pleasure’
The Modern Confessional.
Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon.com recently wrote about the modesty of the porn generation and our reluctance to share our porn preferences with our partners. She claims that when it comes to smut, we’re
‘much more shy – and basically more human than the media narrative would have you think’.
In a world where sexuality and sex have become a necessary tools not only in the media, but in politics, the news cycle, and discussions of gender equality, it is important to remember that porn does not, as Natasha Vargas-Cooper claims in The Atlantic, have
‘a pervasiveness and influence on the culture at large’
, rather it is a reflection of the traces of colonial and gendered histories that remain a part of our culture today. Indeed, although Vargas-Cooper somewhat acknowledges this dialectic between accepted cultural norms and history, she also sees male sexuality as a ‘dark force streaked with aggression’ in its ‘natural’ state – that sexuality at its core is bestial and so essentially has more detrimental consequences for women than it does for men. For her, sex-positivity and its egalitarian views of sex is simply a ‘utopian pretension’.
Lauren’s post on Post-Partum Sex Positivity reminds us that the implementation of the ideals of sex-positivity are still problematic, and can, at its worst, be discriminatory and non-inclusive. The recent Nicki Blue virginity-cam debate surrounding kink.com’s marketing decision in the recording of her first experience of vaginal penetration only demonstrates how it can be difficult to reconcile sex-positivity with feminism and vice versa. Clark-Flory’s article suggest that the vulnerability we feel about our sexual preferences, even in our most intimate relationships, mean that despite existing in the age of the modern confessional, real life can be harder to negotiate and
‘sex [in porn and the media] really doesn’t change that much’.
Indeed, where it’s easy for complete strangers to read about your lunch preferences on twitter, and hard-core pornography, as is instantly accessible online, what does it mean that we can get off on videos of S/M sex and double penetration, but feel shyness about sharing these desires with our partners? Is sex-positivity, itself, as Vargos-Cooper seems to suggest, our own unattainable sexual fantasy?
When I think about why I first chose to enter the sex industry, one in which sexism and the objectification of women seems to be the most exaggerated and unapologetic, I remember being conscious of the fact that I was a) embodying a fantasy, particularly as an asian woman who looks younger than her age b) exploiting these oppressive forces for my own financial and personal gain. When you’re working hours in platform heels and a corset, sex isn’t a fantasy, it becomes work, reality, just another job. But initially, to someone else, you’re not real. You’re a figment of the deep part of their imagination, whether they want you to smoke cigarettes into their eyes or smack you because you’re a naughty girl. I’ve watched the moment a first-time customer realises that I’m a person, doing a job – and it came when I elaborated on necessary points of consent for a safe experience, even if it was something as simple as safe words. Being a sex worker, and especially an switch in an s/m dungeon points out to the owners of fantasies that reality can work in much a different way.
I refuse to believe sex-positivity is a fantasy because I know when fantasies are enacted in real life, they can deeply affects relationships and the way sexual activities function – for the better. To assume, like Vargas-Cooper that sex is essentially a reinforcement of ‘natural’ tropes of male dominance and female submission is a cop-out. No one said enforcing sex-positivity was easy. No one said it was going to happen in an instant, no, it requires self-reflection, openness, and slow cultural change. And consent is the element that, when inserted, changes everything It can blur the lines between fantasy and reality. It can make one realise that we have a long way to go despite what the media tells us. And it can make for a fulfilling and egalitarian relationship even if we engage in performances of male dominance and female submission. Sexism can exist in our desires because of the societal structures within which we were raised, and the concepts we’ve inevitably internalised – like I’ve said before, it’s how we engage in those activities that make a difference. A consensual relationship is an egalitarian one, even if what you’re enacting appears to perpetuate the age-old stereotype of the ‘brutal male’ and ‘resisting female’.
What Clark-Flory points out in her post is a ‘shyness’ that goes along with guilt from watching porn – I know from my experiences with partners that in this modern age, that guilt can exist because of the feeling that one is exploiting women, or from wanting to completely separate fantasy from reality because the fantasy seems to be oppressive, or too violent, or too ‘weird’ to share with a real-life partner. To me, however, that seems to be progress. Because it brings up the fact that people are holding on to old misconceptions about porn-watching that need to be changed – but they’re aware, and feeling guilty about their attraction to sexist, extreme, or what they would consider non-respectful pornographic tropes. The guilt doesn’t stem from the porn-watching in and of itself, but the sex-positive view that the separation of fantasy and real-life is something that can be detrimental, and in the worse case, border on non-disclosure in a consensual, real life relationship. I’m not saying that people aren’t entitled to watch porn, or that they have to disclose all the details of their porn-watching habits to their partners. But being open about the type of porn you watch and communicating about how you want porn to play into your relationship, whether as something mostly separate from you and your partner’s sexual life, or something that can be played with, is a step in the right direction – both of these can suddenly make your sexual fantasies a part of reality – even if that’s all they are – fantasies.
Sexual shame, is unfortunately, something that all of us struggle with in our culture every day – particularly in a world where we’re trying to move forward in terms of feminism and sex positivity – there’s suddenly much more to worry about. Consent, and open communication is the only way forward – and I’m not saying these things aren’t hard, but they can be done, and we’re on our way. Let’s not ever give up.
Postpartum Sex-Positivity
Kendra Holliday, a St. Louis based blogger and sex-positive mother, recently revealed her identity on her long time anonymous blog The Beautiful Kind. This personal blog deals with her polyamorous BDSM lifestyle, reviews sex toys and films, and discusses various queer sexualities through stories and advice. She calls it “smut for smart people”. As a result of her “coming out,” she lost her job and is now fighting for custody of her child, as indicated in a recent entry. According to Holliday, the claims for custody of her child all have to do with her sexuality.
While I don’t know the capacity of Holliday as a parent, claiming she is unfit for parenthood based solely on her sexual exploits, involvement with BDSM and polyamory seems unreasonable and discriminatory. People who are sex-positive are not intrinsically bad parents, and they should not be treated as such. Being open about sexuality and accepting of polyamory or BDSM for example does not indicate you are incapable of having a healthy relationship with your children. Why have parenting and sex positivity become mutually exclusive?
In an interview with Good Vibrations Magazine, sex-positive, educator, activist, director and actor Madison Young discussed maintaining her sex work with her new born daughter on the way. She said,
“I plan to be honest and open with my daughter about sex and my work in the sex industry. I want for my child to know that the work that I do is empowering to many women and that it helps couples and individuals to discover a sense of pleasure, that I’m an educator and an artist, a film maker and gallerist…If you “out” yourself and do so with dignity and educate others around the realities of the work you do then it becomes much less exciting to gossip about than if it is something that you are trying to keep secret.”
Young is entirely optimistic about maintaining her sex-positivity post-parenthood, but this proves to be a challenging task. While Young seems to have the right attitude about sex-positive parenting, unfortunately this doesn’t take into consideration the repercussions of coming out, whether it be as a queer person, sex worker, kinkster or anything else.
So this term “sex-positive” is thrown around a lot, but what are we really talking about? Holliday’s predicament is obviously unfortunate, but this is an indication of a larger issue; the problem seems to lie in the unspoken exclusivity of sex-positivity. While in concept sex-positivity is all-inclusive, there are constantly still boundaries being drawn for who it is acceptable for, and to what capacity. In the case of Holliday, her sex-positivity became problematic when she also had to play the role of mother, but sex still becomes taboo when talking about the elderly, disabled, overweight etc.
Sex positivity should incorporate all people, not just those who we allow to be sexually expressive. (young, attractive, able-bodied, straight, childless folks) As nicely put by Moms in Babeland, a blog run by mothers affiliated with the female owned sex toy boutique Babeland, says, “just because you had a babe, doesn’t mean you can’t be a babe!”
tumblr woah// chime in!
tulletulle reblogged feministnerd12:
“Nobody told me I had a clitoris. Nobody told me I was capable of having orgasms. For five years I was given “sex education”. It mostly consisted of periods and condoms. It didn’t talk about consent. It didn’t talk about the actual mechanics of sex, about arousal and lubrication and oscillation. It didn’t tell me a single thing about relationships and it didn’t tell me I had a clitoris. I only know now because of the internet. Nobody entrusted with my care and education has ever told me that the female orgasm exists, or about the parts of my anatomy necessary for it. I didn’t find my clitoris until I was eighteen, after six years of active sexuality. That makes me angry.”
Sex Education, or, What Boys Will Want From You « Frothing at the Brain (via rebeccam, sexisnottheenemy)
I had a child before I ever had an orgasm. I know this feeling.
(via greaterthanlapsed)
(via robot-heart-politics)
Woah, child before orgasm? Something is so, so wrong about that. Yet I know plenty of women in the same situation. Fuck yourself, patriarchy.
(via mssswitch)
This is what I was talking about a few posts ago. Swear to Christ, if I knew it wouldn’t get me kicked out of school, I’d would be screaming to my school about actual sex education. It’s not even about preventing pregnancy mostly (although that is super important and a huge benefit), but also about knowing your body to know what feels good. Sex should be enjoyable for all involved, but when no one participating knows what’s going with their bodies or their partner’s/partners’ bodies, then it can suck or just not be as satisfying as it could be. I would hate for sex to become something you lie there for to my peers or anyone else; people should want to have sex because they love/like/enjoy it, not because they want to please someone or give the illusion that they like it (and I mean this for purely relationship purposes or in general, not in the arena of sex work or anything related.)
Y’all I have so many feelings about this, but I will advocate for sex ed. It’s too important.
(via aintitgrand)
I feel the same way
(via mssswitch)
We feel the same way! Sex education shouldn’t just be about male pleasure, or heterosexual behaviour, or reinforce women’s sexual passivity. It should be about learning to communicate, to listen to your partner, to discuss your lines of consent!
What do you think? Join in the conversation in our comments, or on our tumblr.
Our Own ‘Pink Friday’

Nicki Minaj’s album “Pink Friday” has received rave reviews and its fair share of criticism from critics since it’s release, but I’m still waiting on the feminist community’s applause.
Minaj, a member Young Money, has released an album that celebrates femininity, sexuality, and the ferocity of its maker. Minaj is already largely popular and has even managed to make Lil Kim, the original baddest bitch on the block, a little nervous.
So, let it be known that I have been spinning Pink Friday since its release and have memorized all of the words. And let it be known that Nicki, you are a great voice in the media and a woman finally doing it her way. You go hard, you remain honest, and you continue to show all the haters that your drive, passion, and talent are not to be ignored.
Here’s are some of Minaj’s lyrics on her debut album… (more…)
All Posts Tagged ‘pleasure’
- Chicagoans organize around cases of police violence
- Badass-Activist Friday presents JESSICA SKOLNIK of SlutWalk Chicago!
- Feminist Porn Awards: Lauren Reports!
- A revolution between the sheets
- Badass-Activist Friday presents: DR LOGAN LEVKOFF, Sexologist, Relationship Expert, Author
- Badass-Activist Friday presents: COLIN ADAMO of Hooking Up and Staying Hooked
- another kind of coercion.
- In Praise of (Non)Imaginary Skins
- We Support Tristan Taormino!
- MPAA & Blue Valentine.
- Full-On Participipation!
- The Modern Confessional.
- Postpartum Sex-Positivity
- tumblr woah// chime in!
- Celebrity Rape Culture’s Impact on College Life
- What Are You Doing This Break?
- Keep Speaking Up! (A Note On Reclaiming Public Space)
- Our Own ‘Pink Friday’
- Is There A Choice for Condoms in Porn?
- Porn and Consent
- No Symbols – Only Fire.
- National Sexual Freedom Day is TODAY!
- Teenage Dreams: Better in Dutch
- A Bill of Rights for Women This September
- Is Hooking Up Hurting Our Heads?
- My Own “Red Flags”
- Attraction. Intimacy. Respect.
- When I’m Not Having Fun Anymore
- Me Quiero, Me Cuido
- Looking for the Yes
- Common-Fucking-Sense
- Excerpts from Harvard’s Sexting Report
- A Million Lines
- Hooking up – A Chat with Jaclyn Friedman
- Yes/Maybe/No
- Trust: yes, because it is you
- Make sure I'm awake!
- am I empowered, degraded, or both?
- Ever so slightly…
- "ASK ME" an internet Valentine
- Calling Bullshit on “The New Math”
- “Dance Anthem” + Sexual Independence
- I am a sexual being + candy
- Do women need “rescuing”?
- My pussy has nothing to do with your masculinity
- I Want It!
- Oh My God- YES!
- NYC Screening + Community
- Paradigm Shift & SAFER Present
- I'm A Woman. I Love Sex.
- We Forgot To Talk About Pleasure…
- F*cking Dilemma…How To Kiss A Girl?
- Dear(est) Jaclyn
- Where The Men At?
- How Do You Define "Sex-Positive"?
- I Am Not A Fuck Doll!
- “It’s Just Not About Physical Sex, the Genital to Genital Fucking.”
- 1000 Women Talk About Sex
- Tucker Max, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
- "Know How To Satisfy Moi"
- Going back to find THE LINE again
- “Listen for it in my breath.”








