One of the most important and most tricky issues when it comes to sex is what we mean by consent. The notion of consent is often used to explain the difference between kinky sex and abuse, for example. And it’s almost always part of the conversation when we talk about how to tell sex and rape apart.

When I talk with people about what I think consent means, I usually use a three part definition:

• You have to say yes. Giving consent means that you have actively taken action. Consent is more than not saying “no.”
• You have to be able to say no. If you don’t have the freedom to say no without repercussions, you can’t actually give consent. A gun held to your head, whether literal or metaphorical, means you can’t truly consent.
• You have to understand the consequences of saying yes or no. If you’re too drunk or wasted, if you lack the mental capacity, if you don’t understand what you’re agreeing to, it doesn’t count. [As an aside, I don't know when kids are able to consent. Different jurisdictions peg it at different ages, although I know some 15 year olds who are more able to do it than some 40 year olds. All I know is that kids are usually ready after they think they are and before their parents think they are.]

Although this definition of consent isn’t 100% complete, and it certainly leaves room for ambiguity, debate, and discussion, I’ve always thought that it covered most of the more important issues. At least until I read this article one the Kinsey Institute’s website, discussing the research article Sex without Desire: Characteristics of Occasions of Sexual Compliance in Young Adults’ Committed Relationships. They had 63 18-24-year olds in heterosexual relationships keep a journal of their sexual activity and 17% of the events were rated as “sexually compliant” (which was defined as “willingly engaging in sexual activity that one does not desire”).

Contrary to what some might expect, they didn’t find any gender differences in reports of sexual compliance. But both the men and women they studied said that men were more likely to initiate sexually compliant experiences, which means that guys are initiating sex even when they were complying. I suspect that there are a lot of reasons for that, including thinking they should have sex, or thinking that their girlfriends wanted it, or buying into a performance model of male sexuality.

Sometimes, people complied with sex in order to maintain the relationship, just as we might comply with doing the dishes or running errands. Other reasons included feeling low sexual desire and having past experiences of being pressured. And although it wasn’t among the themes that the researchers identified, I also wonder about one’s self-esteem, history of sexual assault, vocabulary around sexuality, and ability to set boundaries in other aspects of the relationship.

I also wonder about the relationships between sexual compliance and resentment. Doing something that we don’t really want to do in order to please a partner can easily fuel resentment, which is a great way to kill a relationship, and I’d be curious to see research that tracked couples over time to see how their level of sexual compliance influenced their relationship. I’m pretty sure there’s a strong correlation.

I’m glad to see research beginning to explore the nuances of consent. After all, consent doesn’t necessarily imply enthusiasm. And while I’m a fan of the BDSM community’s standard of Safe, Sane, and Consensual (and the more recent version, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) , there’s clearly more to it than consent. I’ll be curious to see further work in this area.

One of the challenges when we talk about sexual consent is that there aren’t a lot of good examples for how to have the conversation with a potential partner. After all, most of the time, these talks happen in private, which makes it hard to learn from someone else. Some of us are fortunate enough to have had a partner shepherd us through the process or take a workshop on communication, but for most folks, it’s a matter of trial and error.

I’ve always believed that if you can’t ask for what you want, you’re going to have a much harder time getting it. But while that’s easy to say, it can be difficult to do anything about it. Almost everyone has ways in which talking about sex brings up challenges. Perhaps you don’t have the language to ask for what you want. Or you’re worried about how your partner might react. Or you’re concerned that if you ask for what you want, it will mean something about you. Or you fear rejection. Or that you feel shame for your desires. Or maybe, simply that you’ve had unpleasant experiences when you’ve tried talking about sex and that makes it harder to bring up again.

If we want to develop happy sex lives, we need to be able to talk about it, to ask for what we want, to hear what our partners want, and to find a common ground. Indirect communication or simply hoping that someone will know what we want sometimes works, but when we do that, we’re gambling that someone will just know what to do and the odds simply aren’t in our favor, if only because there are so many possibilities.

Fortunately, there are some really easy tools to make it easier. One of them, the Yes/No/Maybe Checklist, comes from the BDSM community. The idea is that you take a list of possible activities and put a checkmark in each column: one for things that you pretty much always like, one for things that you have no interest in, and one for things that you might like to do or try. It’s a pretty easy idea, and there are a few ways to play with it. (You can also rate your maybes on a scale of 1-10, if you want.)

You don’t need to do it all at once. You can take as long as you need to think about which things go in which columns. Once you’ve filled it out, you can share it with a partner. Or even better, each of you can fill it out separately and then trade lists. Anything that you’ve both marked as “yes” are things that you can be pretty confident you’ll both enjoy, although you still need to discuss the details.

Then, you can open up a conversation. “Blowjobs are a yes for me and a maybe for you. What are your reasons for making it a maybe? What can we do to make it more fun for you?” Go into this part of the conversation with the intention of making it a win-win for everyone. This will work better when it’s about finding the places where you have as much overlap as possible, rather than convincing someone to do something they don’t like. Even when something is a yes for both of you, talk about what makes it extra fun. What positions or techniques are especially hot? What are your turn-offs? It’s often a lot easier to have those talks when you know that there’s general agreement and you’re just working out the details.

If something is in someone’s no list, it can sometimes be worth exploring why that is. For some people, it’s because of negative experiences. For others, it might be simply because it doesn’t do anything for them. Or it could be a trigger or a squick. This can all be really useful information, as long as everyone is able to keep focused on the larger goal of finding the things that work.

After that conversation, set the list aside for a bit and check in with each other. If this is something new for you, you might find that you have some different emotions coming up. Relief that it’s over, surprise at how easy it was, worry that your partner is judging you, happiness at knowing that you’ve done something challenging, or any other feeling. Whether you want to talk about those emotions together or not, you may find that it’s worth making some room for them.

I don’t recommend doing this as foreplay, simply because that puts a certain pressure on the process. I’ve noticed that talking about sex with a partner often works better when it’s not done in a sexual context because it’s easier to keep focused. In a way, talking about sex when you’re already turned on is like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry. You end up buying things that you wouldn’t usually get because your hunger is skewing your decisions. Having this talk in a non-sexual context is much more likely to be successful.

There are quite a few yes/no/maybe lists to be found. Many of them are BDSM-oriented like this, this, and this, mostly because this concept came from the BDSM community. But with a little digging, you can find non-BDSM checklists like this great one from SmartHotFun.com

Even if you never do this with a partner, it can be really useful to go through it solo. You might be surprised at how it can inspire you to think about what you like. And when you’re having the conversation with a partner, you’ll have much more information to work with.

If you’ve every used one of these checklists, what did you like about it? Did it help you talk about your desires? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Have fun!

I screened The Line at M.I.T. and asked them!

Mutual respect, care and pleasure.

We don’t necessarily have to be in love, but you will respect me and treat me like the goddess that I am.

Know what it means to enjoy sex–then you know what you want.

Being fully conscious of what I am doing.

Sex is fabulous! But it better be as fabulous for me as it is for you.

Yes in bed does not mean yes in the park.

Ask me before you put it ANYWHERE.

Hey everyone, I’m Marina. I’m a current junior at Northwestern University studying Sociology and International Studies.  Some of my favorite things are social media, ‘young adult’ novels, being a self-proclaimed nerd, dancing, makeup, music, and teaching and talking about sex.

I first heard about The Line through a student group I am in on campus called SHAPE, Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators. The Line was screened on campus, and Ms. Schwartzman talked with us about her experience making it. The message was strong and true, and we have continued to teach the lesson of consent and how to draw a line in a sexual relationship in a college environment where rape culture tends to manifest itself.

I joined SHAPE because I wanted to be a part of a solution to sex education problems in high schools and colleges.  I never received a formal education in high school and didn’t imagine there was a way to handle consent in relationships other than the traditional “No means No.” That changed when I found SHAPE, a group dedicated to providing education and create awareness about sexual assault and healthy sexual relationships.  In addition to trying to find creative ways to teach students how to recognize and avoid unhealthy behaviors we also try to increase student’s comfort with their sexuality. One of the best things I learned about sexuality is that “Yes means Yes!”  I have the ability to say YES! This is exactly what I want. But I have to know where my line is and draw it where I am not longer comfortable, a point demonstrated very well by The Line.

As an activist and an aspiring sociologist, I find myself looking at pop culture, television, and current events to see how this has affected society as a whole.  I question how can we let rape culture exist, and the obscene reality that normative conditions of society shape the experience of everyone. I love to write and I hope that by blogging for The Line, I can get out messages to change how some people view our culture and society, and change the role they choose to play in it.

I screened The Line at Hunter College and asked them!

I don’t know. As a male, I didn’t know I was allowed to have one.

Wherever I decide it is. Not you. Not my parents. Not my religion. Not my culture.

Changes every second, minute, hour, day–and with every person.

It changes. I’m learning to tell you, but please ask me!

Understanding the implications of my actions.

It’s mutual. No one is entitled to my body.

Ask me “Is this okay?” as we go. IT DOESN’T KILL THE MOOD. IT TURNS ME ON!

Have the respect to ask me and don’t judge me for saying no.

Wherever, whenever, and wherever I say it is.

I screened The Line at Penn State at Abington and asked them!

When you stop listening.

When I fucking say NO!

Put a ring on it.

I refuse to cheat even when he is 3,000 miles away.

When I tell you f*** off.

Where she draws it.

Knowing someone inside and out…true love.

“I don’t know what happened” …is not an answer!

Here goes!

(I originally posted this on Fetlife and because Fetlife is so insular, I’d like to bring it out and share it here. To give a little background, I participate in my local BDSM community. What turns me on so much about it is that consent is huge.  Nothing happens without it.  Or it shouldn’t.  It’s part of why we play in groups, to uphold this idea.  I hosted an erotic reading for my  local BDSM group, and this is what I wrote shortly thereafter.)

I was thinking about this Saturday night as I hosted an erotic reading held at a local play space offered by a very generous friend. As I sat in a room full of people, some of whom I knew very well and some others who I didn’t know quite as well, I laid back against the sofa cushions, the sides of my arms and thighs lightly pressed against the person next to me. I listened to the titillating stories and felt my arousal wash over me, completely relaxed in my enjoyment of the moment.

And then something struck me. Was I safe to do that? Just enjoy myself? It’s not that I was going to slide my hand into my panties and start masturbating, or that anyone else was. If that were going to happen, I knew that it would be discussed first. No, but I was clearly relaxing, allowing myself to feel open and excited, and something struck me about why it was ok for me to do that, but moreover, why it wouldn’t be ok for me to do that.

I thought about the values I was taught growing up, and not just by my parents. I hesitate as I write, trying not to use “sexually provocative,” because there it is–being a woman, I’m always vigilant, if aware, that my dress, my demeanor, and heaven forbid, my arousal, might provoke sexual attention, perhaps unwanted sexual attention, advances, or worse. The recent “slut walks” also bring the same concept to mind. My mother told me about a miserable experience she’d had with some friends who she found out were swingers in the 70′s. My dad and she were visiting another couple, and at one point in the evening, the woman gave a blow job to her husband in front of them. My mother wasn’t comfortable with it, but she was never asked if she was ok, and to her own fault she didn’t get up and leave, either. She said she didn’t want to seem like a prude, not to the other couple or to my dad.

I sat there, listening to everyone respond, sometimes groaning, sometimes laughing, sometimes breathing a little harder. Our eyes may glaze over, our pulses may quicken, our underwear may dampen. Some of us may go off to the play area after discussing desires, and enjoy a direct response to the arousal. But the thing that struck me so profoundly is that I was completely safe, and that nobody would touch me, nobody would even touch themselves– not without asking first. And that concept, in my world, is sadly a new one. And somehow I doubt that I’m the only woman –perhaps not the only person–who feels this way. That simply being in a situation like this could give the people near me “the wrong idea.” That my enjoyment wasn’t just mine, but an invitation for attentions or actions that might not be desirable to me. That there is no value to expressly using words, allowing one the opportunity to consent.

A few times I’ve forgotten the rules myself, turning to stroke a woman who had been petting me, thinking that just because I allowed her to touch me that it was ok for me to touch her back. She gently slipped away from my touch, and I remembered to ask.

As I think about the experience, I feel particularly grateful to my community for offering a truly safe place for sexual expression. Where I can truly honor what I want, and where what I want matters. Where words have meaning, and where words are the most important expression of what I invite, not any perceived “signals.”

I screened The Line at LREI High School and asked them!

Undefined, but never changing–unless I decide differently.

I’ll be the judge of that. Not you.

Mutuality. It’s a two way street.

It depends. It tends to bend.

I don’t really know. You should ask and find out.

Ask me and you’ll know. Otherwise, you just don’t care.

Only when there is trust do we draw the line together.

Love, trust, emotion, respect.

I screened The Line at Northwestern University and asked them!

You’ll know when I want you.

When I lose my individuality.

When I’m ready I’ll let you know…yes means yes!

Only I can know. Only I can tell you. Listen and respect my answer.

Wouldn’t you like to know? Just ask!

Respect me for who I am and what is in my heart, not just for what is underneath my clothes.

Mine is invisible. Proceed with caution.

No social conservatives.

Do you remember when in your life you first learned about consent? The first time someone told you that your wants and needs are actually totally valid, and worthy of being honored? I’d venture to say that for most of us, this was not a message that we heard very often from our surroundings, but something that we had to discover and accept for ourselves slowly over time, often with a nasty experience or two in the learning process. And I’m sure that plenty of us wish, looking back, that someone had come to us at the beginning of our sexual maturation journey and told us these things:

• You get to decide when you are ready for what kinds of sex, under what circumstances and with whom
• You have the right to have and voice limits and boundaries, and have them be respected by your partner
• You and your partner should work together to make sure that any kind of sex you have is something that you both want and enjoy
• There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships, and not everyone has or wants monogamous, long-term relationships

Well, there IS a place that gives young people to learn all of these things, and more. That place is Scarleteen.com. Founded in 1997 by Heather Corinna, and run by her and a handful of dedicated volunteers, Scarleteen offers pages and pages of static content with articles on every imaginable topic from sex and relationships to sexual health and recognizing abuse, as well as a real-time message board,  an in-depth advice column and a text-in service.

Scarleteen does all of this work on a teeny-tiny budget consisting entirely of donations. And around this time each year, Scarleteen puts out a call for donations to collect the money they need to continue to provide their services, and to continue to develop new content and tailor it to the needs of their users.

Here at the Line, we know that the basis of understanding and living enthusiastic consent is getting accurate and factual information about sex and sexual health, and learning how to listen to and respect both yourself and your partner(s).

So we ask you to please take a look around Scarleteen, and take a look at this article

by Heather Corinna, detailing Scarleteen’s past achievements and future plans. And we ask you to please consider making a donation to support Scarleteen, and to help Scarleteen support and encourage young people on their journey to healthy, pleasurable sexuality.