‘communication’

I’d Tell You: Just Ask!

haack

Hello, everyone! My name is Sarah Haack, and I am part of the new crop of bloggers here at Where Is Your Line?

Originally from Richmond, Virginia, I now attend American University in Washington, DC (along with the fabulous Carmen Rios, fellow Vagina Monologues cast member and she-ro) as an Environmental Studies major. I will be studying Linguistics and Scandinavian Studies at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden next year, but in the meantime, I am living in New York City, interning with the Girl Scouts of the USA, and learning the finer points of navigating bureaucracy, planning potlucks, and empowering women and girls.

I toured AU during the April of my senior year in high school, taking in the campus one last time before sending in my acceptance letter, and vividly remember the painted t-shirts strung throughout the student center in preparation for Take Back the Night, part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. One statistic struck me in particular: that one in three women are sexually assaulted. Still in high school and rather naive, this number resonated as tragic, but hollow, sympathetic but not empathetic. Two years later, I found myself standing on the before those t-shirts as a survivor. It is selfish, I admit, to not really take up a cause until it affects oneself directly, but when I was puff-painting my own statistic on that white v-neck after a realization that took a full year, I finally understood the impact of today’s hookup culture and its implications, and how important it is to open the lines of communication not just about sexual assault, but about sex itself. The perceived “gray area” of sexual assault needs to be eliminated, and replaced with standards where a YES! is just as important as a no.
I was drawn to Where Is Your Line? by its sex-positive attitude and celebration of sexuality. Consent is more than knowing when to say no, but also knowing you can say yes; it’s feeling safe enough to enjoy sex that meets your standards, whether it be with a long-term partner or a total stranger, and being strong enough to draw a line that is either non-negotiable or ever-changing. The pervasive rape culture in which we find ourselves dictates that our demeanor, our alcohol consumption, and even our outfits, are all indicators of our willingness to be sexual- and can be interpreted as such without any discussion. And yes, my miniskirt and five-inch heels are an expression of my sexuality, but that does not (necessarily) mean I want to share that with you. Believe me, if I did, you’d know it. I’d tell you. Just ask.

My Line Is What Makes Me HAPPY.

Tran

After the film screening of THE LINE at Barnard College, I was asked to fill out a sticker with my answer to the question “where is your line?” It was difficult for me to put into words what my line specifically was, because it is constantly changing. I thought, well I guess my line is this and that, but wait, what if I had a bad day, I wouldn’t want anyone near me! It is so hard to express what my line is in one sentence- my comfort levels can change with time, my environment, and sometimes even what I am wearing.

My decision to have sex made it difficult for me to express a line in high school. Back then, rumors about my sexual past made boys think that I would automatically have sex with them because I had already done certain things. But having sex was a decision that I made because I thought I was in love and I felt that I was ready to lose my virginity, not an invitation for dirty text messages or naked pictures. Those rumors made establishing my line a lot more difficult during high school. I didn’t like upsetting people: I wanted to make a guy happy by playing along with flirting, regardless of whether or not I felt comfortable.

Looking back at this, I thought of my answer: “My line is what makes me HAPPY at the end of the day.” Over time, I realized that the most important thing about any decision I make is my own happiness. I believe that any decision is justified as long as I can look in the mirror and still be proud of the person that I see standing before me. I have learned to be more comfortable speaking about my sex life and saying no to sex. My sexual life is supposed to make me happy, and regardless of what I choose to do, I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I did it for my own happiness.

Common-Fucking-Sense

You’ve told us about  sex, consent, respect, and communication. Your passion and conviction is what drives THE LINE Campaign and powers this blog. Your voice is everything, and you have built a movement by opening up, sharing stories, and using your experiences to create dialogue. Because of you- yes, you!- we are destroying a culture of shame and building a culture of empowerment, freedom, and respect.

As the new editor of this blog, I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who responded with such fire to our call to action. We’re stronger now, and here comes the tidal wave: we’re going to be introducing all of our new bloggers and exploring the power of our voices throughout this week.

We asked YOU, in all corners of the USA- and beyond- the same question: where is your line?

And you told us:

It’s common-fucking-sense.

Excerpts from Harvard’s Sexting Report


Sexting: Youth Practices and Legal Implications is a new report by the Harvard University Berkman Center for Internet and Society. Its stated purpose is to “intended to provide background for discussion of interventions related to sexting.” This is only more indication that the MTV-induced sexting panic isn’t over yet. The report covers a plethora of related issues and attempts to compile research and an analytical tongue in making sense of how sexting has changed a variety of legal definitions and cultural trends.

Some excerpts from the report (and yes, we did leave out the reference to sexting as “relationship currency.”):

On the sharing of “sexted” images:

Nearly one in five sext recipients (17%) reports having passed the
images along to someone else, with more than half (55%) of those who passed the images
to someone else sharing them with more than one person.

Nearly one in five sext recipients (17%) reports having passed the images along to someone else, with more than half (55%) of those who passed the images to someone else sharing them with more than one person.

On current legal practices:

Sexting takes place in many different contexts. Whatever the context, however, the minors involved risk being investigated for and charged with child pornography offenses. If convicted, they could be subject to the same types of punishments as adults who traffic in such images, including felony convictions, lengthy prison sentences, and sex offender registration.

On Constitutional Law:

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution “bars the government from dictating what we see, or read or speak or hear.” There are, however, a small number of exceptional categories of speech that have such “slight social value” that the government may freely regulate them in order to advance “the social interest in order and morality.” These categories include child pornography and obscenity.

On Potential Alternatives:

At one extreme, it can be argued that sexted images, unlike images of children being sexually abused, are protected by the First Amendment.

At the other extreme, one could argue that sexted images, like conventional child pornography, are exempt from First Amendment protection because the production and dissemination of such images cause harm to real children.

Rather than argue for either extreme, one could argue that sexted images can be covered by child pornography statutes if the statutes provide an affirmative defense for minors who voluntarily self‐produce and transmit such images to other minors.

To read the full report, go here.

Remembering The King of Pop

It has been one year today since the death of Michael Jackson. His name is one that is sloppily being cleaned off, having been covered in dirt, accusations, and lost opportunities (and sanities) for years. He was pretty ridiculous, let’s not kid ourselves- and he was one of the most scandalized public figures in the world before he died.

But Michael Jackson was also a philanthropist, a giver, a kind heart who wanted people to unite regardless of color, work to improve their world, and come together to create change. Reconciling the sex abuse scandals, the erratic behavior, and the eerie personality with his immense talent, ambition, passion, and conviction has always been one of my personal challenges.

In this excellent article from Dr. Susan Block, published last August following his passing, Michael’s sexuality is analyzed for what it was – public property. Michael Jackson scandalized, publicized, sold, and learned about sex in front of an audience:

Michael was raised as a sex object, groomed to be an exhibitionist, dressed up and made to dance and sing for the pleasure of adults.  In his off-stage hours, he observed two very different attitudes towards sex.  Performing in strip clubs at age nine, he saw his “strict” father cheating on his mother and his brothers having casual sex with groupies while he hid under the covers, probably scared that these older females would come after him.  Maybe some of them did.  Maybe some of the guys did.  Whatever happened in those seedy venues, eventually little Michael went home to his beloved mother who was strict in a very different way, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, who taught him that “lust in thought or deed” was horribly sinful.  No wonder his adorable head explodes into a monstrous werewolf right after a girl embraces him lovingly in the opening scene of “Thriller.”

Michael Jackson received conflicting messages about sex as a child in Hollywood, playing with the stars and learning about sex in all of the wrong places. He was caught in the dichotomy between right and wrong, performance and lifestyle. He was often perceived as being confused by and fearful of his own sexuality, which isn’t surprising when taking into account that the fame he learned about sex from was often fleeting and harmful.

The bottom line? We need to start talking about sex, and we need to stop shaming sex. Michael Jackson may not be an “example” of why, but his story is certainly not unique: he sold sex but was raised to be ashamed of it, just like young people here in the USA and around the world. Young women, especially, consume sexual messages everyday that are conflicting and harmful.

So here’s to you, Michael- for always making us think, for challenging our boundaries, and for all those sunny afternoons where I played Thriller on my boombox and dreamt about my future. It isn’t the same without you.

He Crossed Her Line- What Can I Do?

I chose the above response from Hunter College because it explains where my line falls, too: without respect, how can there be anything else? I believe that if someone doesn’t respect me enough to ask about my boundaries, they’re not worth my time.

And I know that conviction may seem simple, but it’s not.

The other day, my friend told me she was in bed with a guy and he crossed her line. Then she told me they were “both to blame,” and she “accepted his apology.” I was surprised that she accepted his apology (and to think- he apologized via text message!) with such ease. Did I hear her right? She said he was her friend and it was stupid. A friend? How could he disrespect her boundaries like that? I still feel guilty that I sat silently when she told me this, but I didn’t want to push the issue.

I don’t know how I can best talk to my friend about this openly and honestly. What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to tell her not to forgive him? Should I tell her straight-up that it wasn’t okay for him to cross her line? I’m nervous she would get mad at me, and that she’ll think I’m making a big deal out of “nothing.” I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t want to be patronizing, and I didn’t want to lecture her- but I also want her to know that I care about her, and that it is something she deserves more than a text about.

I feel strongly about this, and I’m disappointed in myself for not having said anything yet. I want my friend to be with someone who respects her, and I want her to know that. So how can I talk to her about this without stressing her out or upsetting her?

Your Voice Can Change Everything: Write for Us!

I want to start this piece by introducing myself. My name is Carmen and I’m a little bit of everything: a bold woman of color entering her third year of college at the sometimes-awesome sometimes-frustrating usually-radical Washington, DC campus known as American University. I’m an activist involved with NOW and multiple student organizations, an advocate who is professionally tied to a plethora of women’s groups, and a free spirit who loves to indulge in v-necks, frozen yogurt, and anything unusual. I have an afro and I’m addicted to the internet, and on the weekends you can find me giggling in my living room.

I’m also the newest editor here at Where Is Your Line?, a blog close to my own heart: I was with Nancy as an intern just last year when she created this website, this program, and this movement. She’s one of my biggest inspirations, and I was unable to leave the project behind in any capacity- I’m still here, across state lines, reading entries and emails and begging her for any tasks possible to tackle online.

My goals for this project are yours, too. I want our message to become everyone’s conversation, our project vision achieved in bedrooms across the country. Imagine it: a world of discussion and freedom instead of shame and silence. We can do it, and projects and movements like this one are an integral piece.

So I wrote scathing reviews of journalism and personal pieces on my own turbulent times with hookup culture, interviewed my biggest she-ro (aside from Hillary Clinton, of course), and then used the experience I had gotten by starting a smaller-focus campaign specific to my campus in an effort to stop rape culture at its roots in dorm rooms all over AU. I know the power of the individual is small, and I know that collective voices have the strongest and most beautiful resonance. I know that openness, affirmation, conversation, and diversity are important, and I want to incorporate every voice, background, lifestyle, experience, opinion, and being into the movement to end violence in relationships, families, and our own lives.

And that’s where you come in.

This is an open call for voices. I am looking for anyone interested in submitting pieces for this campaign as a credited blogger, and there are no requirements- unless you consider it unfair to expect passion, heart, and effort in everything you do. You’ll be an invaluable piece of this movement and the challenge to end violence everywhere.

You can contact me at thelinemovie [at] gmail [dot] com. I’m looking forward to hearing from you- believe me, I’m always excited to talk. Just add “ATTN Carmen Rios” into the subject line to make sure it gets to me.

Your voice can end violence. Your voice can change everything.

Tranie Baby!

500_Tran2Hey readers, this is Tran aka @traniebabyy and I am a new intern for whereisyourline.org!! I am currently in Pomona, California, my wonderful hometown, for summer break. I attend Barnard College of Columbia University in New York City where I am certified as a peer educator for the Rape Crisis Anti-Violence Support Center. I first saw THE LINE when Marilla Li brought it to Barnard.

I grew up in a very sheltered home because Vietnamese culture tends to keep women and girls in the background as men are seen as the dominant person of the family. This meant that my parents allowed my older brothers to do whatever they pleased while I stayed home and did homework (which paid off I guess :D ). Because of this, I really did not have any exposure to a sex culture, and rape was definitely never a topic of discussion as I grew up. My own curiosity pushed me to break away from my parents’ conservative views and do my own thing. That’s pretty much how my nickname came about. My friends always called me tranie baby because it represents my confidence and determination to finish whatever goals I have plus it was just the thing to do in high school (add baby to the end of your name). I embraced the nickname because I really wanted to prove to my parents that I can be successful. It pretty much became my alter ego as I decided to move to New York for college.

In New York, I wanted to experience a different lifestyle and be able to better myself without the interference of my family. What drew me to this campaign is my own personal experience. I feel that my line was crossed on various occasions because my partner refused to ask if I was comfortable or they believed that alcohol had impaired my judgments, so they made the decision for me! I want to be able to help create a support system for all people to feel comfortable to voice their needs during sexual activities. I love learning creative ways to talk about using protection, saying yes, saying no – things we discuss at the Center.

I’m back home now, with my friends from high school. They grew up as sheltered as I did. We didn’t learn about consent, our bodies, violation, pleasure… This summer, I vow to help bring awareness, resources and ways to have these conversations, and show people that consent is where its at!

All Oppression is Connected, You Dick!

Food justice
These past few weeks have been a sticky whirlpool of emotions, ideas and improvements. I left New York City a few weeks for New Orleans to work on a youth-led consensus-based food justice project, and to (finally) get out of the city. I lived and worked at Our School at Blair Grocery, an urban farm/school, in the lower ninth ward. I was in the second brigade of the summer, and the first co-ed group (the first group were all womyn, power to them!). The idea behind Food Justice Summer, was to learn first-hand about sustainability and the injustices of food in our society, while incorporating organizing methods and empowering our voices as youth.

To even begin to explain all that went wrong is the all-too-familiar prejudices based on what’s between our legs and the color of our skin. Understanding power dynamics amongst ourselves within the circle was crucial in order to function as a powerful group but we never achieved that altogether. To get an idea of what exactly was going down, let me explain what Staceyann Chin’s hair had to do with all this: A fellow organizer and I created a curriculum to open up a conversation on gender by showing powerful videos of Marjora Carter (Green the Ghetto) and Staceyann Chin (A Question of Impeachment). During the go-around after the showings, the entire half of the group, majority white and male, were uncomfortable by Chin’s free-flowing ‘fro and didn’t understand who would pay money to be yelled at.

Those comments began to ignite sparks among the other half of the group, majority womyn of color, to rain down on the ignorance and privilege that was prevalent among the white males. A young black womyn branded one of the white males a ‘slavemaster’ and that his comments were like ‘whippings on her back’. Then, going against our structure of consensus and facilitation, the white male started talking above everybody else and out of turn. The argument escalated with two womyn calling each other ‘dumb bitches’ and our model for a safe space obliterated.

Currently, I’m staying with a friend of mine who is going through personal matters involving the ‘white male syndrome’ (as I like to call it). As an organizer and as a womyn, how do we work around these issues without losing the bigger picture and breaking unity? How can a youth-led movement grow if we are met with internal barriers that butt heads with our beliefs? How can we break the molds of race, sex, class and everything else that separates us in order to work together without falling into the same perils like prior youth movements? How, what, when, who and why’s swirl around in the air around my mind every single day and minute, questioning my motives as a young organizer. Why is that our voices are only heard after we become the victim?

These are just a few scattered thoughts brought up in conversations after that night. However, before some professor of Sociology at a big-name school or the director of a prestigious social justice organization begins to write out answers to these questions, stop. Leave these (and all the others) to be answered and figured out by us, the youth, without any biased-adult interferences. Thank you for your academic texts and hefty lectures, but your politics is old and boring as fuck.

Make way for the new minds and souls to recreate what a revolution truly looks like. Now.

Is Sex Blogging Consensual?

500_Porque no hablamosIt’s an average Thursday night at American University. I’m the only fully straight (and fully sober) person in this room, I hear Lady Gaga blasting from a few rooms down, and I’m blogging about sex.

Blogging about sex, like sex itself, is dependent on interaction with other people. They both hinge almost entirely on open communication, and without the ability to communicate, you’re not gonna write a good post (or have a good sex life). My feelings about blogging about sex relate to my feelings of sex in general – the contradictions regarding consent and privacy, emotion and openness, that are inherent in communicating such personal things, possibly some of the most personal things, to other people. Sex is THE most socially constructed element of society, and we put a massive emphasis on its privacy, which is why we don’t see more people openly fucking in the streets.

Destroying rape culture and promoting openness and consent is a worthy fight that can be done on a grassroots level, by speaking out, telling personal stories and behaving with respect in all sexual interactions. As a straight feminist cisgender man, I want to be able to use my personal life to help the cause. I believe in open sexuality, nonmonogamy, and communication at all times – I don’t identify as queer, or polyamorous, or most sex labels, mostly because I don’t want to leech onto a label to define myself or my sexuality.

But how could I write on a blog, about consent of all things, personal details about MY sex life, which of course involve other people? That I’d share without their knowledge or consent? Or course I won’t use their names, but a hookup is (or should be) built on a foundation of trust and communication. Part of that is the assumption (and hope) that one party won’t share private details with everyone they know or go bragging to a vast amount of people – which is essentially what I would be doing by sharing it here. Outside of writing on a blog, in my real life, I want to be open with the people around me – especially the ones I’m sleeping with.

How can I talk about my sexual experiences and not cross the line?

All Posts Tagged ‘communication’