A fight is not an inevitable thing. It is a social ritual. It occurs in a context in which all the participants agree that the fight is OK. You chose to fight. You participated in the dance.
There is no actual harm in one man telling another man that his mother sucked his cock the previous night. It is just an invitation to dance
He shoved you and you put your hands up but you did not walk away. We take shoving to be a provocation after which one is justified in committing violence.
What the shove says is, I love you and I want to feel the violence of my love for you by having some contact. The shove says, I want some pain inflicted, will you please engage in some mutual infliction of pain? I need some pain. The shoving says, here, look at what I am willing to do: I am offering myself to you, to be beaten.
Will you please attack me so I feel whole again? Here, look, I will shove you again. That is my request. The shove says, “I want you. I want you to beat me.”
He might as well say, you know, I really love you and want to be intimate with you by fighting. Will you join me in a fight? Will you please slake my thirst for violence? I am attracted to you; I think it would be a deep, erotic pleasure to be beaten by you. Would you please? May I have this dance of violence?
These are film stills from “The Hurt Locker,” and the words are excerpted from an advice column by Cary Tennis of Salon.com.








