That’s right, Oksana Grigorieva. That gold digging Russian woman with augmented breasts.

It started kinda slowly on twitter like:

I’m sure Oksana Grigorieva was hearing the theme song for “The Price is Right”

Golddigging is sad. Expectations of complacency are mental abuse in themselves. You can’t raise a child in that sort of relationship

How the hell is this woman NOT going off on Mel Gibson’s ass in these tapes?! That’s the most confusing part…

These Mel Gibson tapes are like nude photographs taken without permission. There oughta be a law.

Big, loud, fucking sigh over here.

To clarify, a woman who has been punched before by her spouse while holding her baby knows not to escalate a potentially violent situation. Stay calm, or risk another beating.

Thousands of women seek help from the system – only to be dismissed (remember this 911 call?), or to find that there are no more shelters (state of California). Oksana has a chance at justice because Mel Gibson is famous and some folks will want to see him stopped. She also had means, courage and money to consult with lawyers to learn her rights. She was probably advised that she needed to gather evidence to prove her case. Enough evidence to withstand the accusations that would inevitably be thrown at her, such as: dating a married man, dating a married rich man, dating a married, rich famous man, being a Russian woman, getting beaten, etc.

To answer the question, “how did she stay so calm?” Oksana needed to record Mel Gibson threatening her on tape. Audio/visual evidence is golden, and you will suppress fear, anger and emotions to get it. That does not make you a spy or a gold digger. This puts you in control in a potentially violent and life threatening situation.

Ample evidence that Mel Gibson abused her sparked these rumors from Fox News:

Sources connected to Gibson tell TMZ.com that they have proof that Grigorieva attempted to extort the actor, demanding more than $10 million in return for keeping the tapes secret.

Sounds like the whole Rihanna gave Chris Brown an STI spin to me.

Fact: Mel Gibson physically abused and verbally threatened Oksana Grigorieva. There are pictures and audio recordings that prove this. 

Everything else is just victim-blaming.

Yesterday, 76-year-old child rapist Roman Polanski was released from the house arrest he was under with the Swiss government’s decision to not extradite him to the United States, based on a technicality of California law. They blamed a fault in the US extradition request and the failure to provide confidential testimony about his original hearing; the judge in the case is long-dead. Polanski’s exile is a story of more than a single rape, but of a rape culture, the incident emblematic of a poisonous mindset where a rich, troubled artist can drug and rape a nonconsenting 13-year-old girl with utter impunity, and serve no sentence for it.

In the Spring of 1977, Polanski invited 13-year-old model Samantha Geimer to a house for a photo shoot, giving her alcohol and Quaaludes, a potent mixture. He invited the intoxicated girl into a bedroom; she recalls saying “No, no. I don’t want to go in there. No, I don’t want to do this. No!” Despite her protests, he raped and sodomized her, and the next day he was arrested and charged with rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under fourteen, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor. In a plea deal designed to protect Geimer’s identity, five of the charges were dropped, and Polanski was only facing time for unlawful sexual intercourse – or statutory rape. On eve of his sentencing, Polanski fled the country, leaving behind responsibility for his crimes.

With his thirty years spent in France making award winning films and his vindication now in Switzerland, Polanski has won. He has the high opinion of his friends in Hollywood who defended him – Woody Allen, Martin Scorcese, Jeremy irons, John Landis, and many others – as well as a media who almost monolithically refers to his crime as “having sex with” a 13-year-old girl, ignoring the drugs and the victim’s verbal protests, as if age just were a number. He has defenders among the people of France, Poland, and America, some of whom have compared the hatred of sex offenders to the hatred of Jews in Nazi Germany. His star still lies on the Lodz Walk of Fame in Poland. He even has the forgiveness of his victim, who he paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to in the 1990s. His release was met with joy from the embarrassingly vast amount of supporters Polanski has in Hollywood, and especially abroad. French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner stated that “The great Franco-Polish director can now freely rediscover his loved ones and devote himself fully to the pursuit of his artistic activities.” His Polish counterpart echoed his vile sentiments, warmly embracing Polanski as a cultural icon of Poland.

The outpour of support Polanski has received from many in the film community is another example of how “Hollywood liberals” are anything but. There has been sparse condemnation of those who deserve to be condemned, such as Roman Polanski. (A good example: Mel Gibson, who was recorded telling his girlfriend that it would be her fault if she were “raped by a pack of niggers.” His repulsive racism has been met with deafening silence, and while he has been dropped from his agency, there is little outcry against this man who has been known for his racism, sexism, and anti-semitism in the past.) Polanski can count many in Hollywood as his friends, and despite the controversy, remains free and wealthy.

Apologists can accuse the US authorities of going on a witch hunt, or call the 13-year-old a slut, or her mother a gold digger, or Polanski a great artist who should be excused from punishment due to his own personal tragedies, but it’s impossible to avoid the core of this case – Polanski raped a young girl and has effectively gotten away with it. Everything else is irrelevant: there is an unrepentant child predator who will never face justice being supported by a mob of elite and wealthy people willing to make apologies for him and reasons for his behavior.

It has been one year today since the death of Michael Jackson. His name is one that is sloppily being cleaned off, having been covered in dirt, accusations, and lost opportunities (and sanities) for years. He was pretty ridiculous, let’s not kid ourselves- and he was one of the most scandalized public figures in the world before he died.

But Michael Jackson was also a philanthropist, a giver, a kind heart who wanted people to unite regardless of color, work to improve their world, and come together to create change. Reconciling the sex abuse scandals, the erratic behavior, and the eerie personality with his immense talent, ambition, passion, and conviction has always been one of my personal challenges.

In this excellent article from Dr. Susan Block, published last August following his passing, Michael’s sexuality is analyzed for what it was – public property. Michael Jackson scandalized, publicized, sold, and learned about sex in front of an audience:

Michael was raised as a sex object, groomed to be an exhibitionist, dressed up and made to dance and sing for the pleasure of adults.  In his off-stage hours, he observed two very different attitudes towards sex.  Performing in strip clubs at age nine, he saw his “strict” father cheating on his mother and his brothers having casual sex with groupies while he hid under the covers, probably scared that these older females would come after him.  Maybe some of them did.  Maybe some of the guys did.  Whatever happened in those seedy venues, eventually little Michael went home to his beloved mother who was strict in a very different way, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, who taught him that “lust in thought or deed” was horribly sinful.  No wonder his adorable head explodes into a monstrous werewolf right after a girl embraces him lovingly in the opening scene of “Thriller.”

Michael Jackson received conflicting messages about sex as a child in Hollywood, playing with the stars and learning about sex in all of the wrong places. He was caught in the dichotomy between right and wrong, performance and lifestyle. He was often perceived as being confused by and fearful of his own sexuality, which isn’t surprising when taking into account that the fame he learned about sex from was often fleeting and harmful.

The bottom line? We need to start talking about sex, and we need to stop shaming sex. Michael Jackson may not be an “example” of why, but his story is certainly not unique: he sold sex but was raised to be ashamed of it, just like young people here in the USA and around the world. Young women, especially, consume sexual messages everyday that are conflicting and harmful.

So here’s to you, Michael- for always making us think, for challenging our boundaries, and for all those sunny afternoons where I played Thriller on my boombox and dreamt about my future. It isn’t the same without you.

When Jaclyn Friedman responded to my love letter in October, I was, to say the least, ecstatic. She’s an inspiration, a feminist visionary and co-editor of the hailed Yes Means Yes! Anthology, and is already working on her next project, a book called What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Sex, Safety, and Sanity In A World Gone Mad.” (By the way, the book is exactly what it sounds like- a workbook to help women decide what they want sexually and how to communicate it best.)

I wanted to talk to her about how we talk about rape culture, the idea of “the line” and what we call (or don’t call) “hook up culture”.

‘Hookup culture’ is bunk

Jaclyn said.

I like hooking up- casual sex is fine with me as long as everyone’s talking about it.

To Friedman, using the term “hook up culture” creates a smokescreen around the way young people are having sex and forming relationships, and she feels it brings the blame back on women.

It’s not a mistake to want to hook up with a guy. It is a mistake to rape somebody.

Friedman hopes that sexual interaction is eventually just accepted into mainstream culture, no matter how casual or involved. I wholeheartedly agree. Taking away the stigma from all forms of consensual sexual interaction makes for a healthier, non-hypocritical society, and something I work toward in my activism. But from my perspective, hookup culture isn’t just casual sex culture, it is different. And everyone is talking about it. What goes on here on my campus, and across the country, is indeed a phenomena (and not the Laura Session-Step slut-shaming kind).

Professor Caroline Heldman at Occidental College outlines some clear trends and statistics in her forthcoming research of college students. She tracks the end of dating culture and serial monogamy, emotional disconnect from the physical, and a rotation of partners. “Hooking up” is a temporary state: hookups come with no guarantees of second dates, of texts and calls, or even of other physical interactions. Hookup culture is the idea that the quantity of relationships is more important than the quality. I’ve written in the past about some of my own experiences navigating this constructed culture, and I know as a student that it is pervasive.

Not all colleges are alike, but for the most part we are in an environment where partying and drinking is standard, no parents or authority figures are to be found, and resources are scarce and often intimidating. Hookup culture is also a product of the 2.0 generation, a new culture to accommodate young people who are learning about each other online and hitting on each other over kegs. Hookup culture is not casual sex- it is more, or in some ways, less. It is casual, emphasized by the new idea of “friendship” and the already experimental culture of college campuses; it is casual, enhanced by alcohol, recklessness and often manipulated by the most sober person in the room. It is dangerous, and exciting, and it is a very real part of collegiate life.

Adults who engage in casual sex are participating, many times, in a system that accommodates different needs. Whereas adults engage in casual sex oftentimes for their own pleasure or even as part of the search for a committed or poly partner, students are hooking up to gain experience, experiment, and learn more about themselves through their own sexuality. Both casual sex and hooking up are – or should be- about pleasure and individual desires, as well as respect, but hooking up is much more removed from the spectrum of dating.

Friedman feels that the behavior is influenced heavily by the rape culture that surrounds us in our everyday lives. Whether you want to use the language, however, is not the point: Friedman and I agreed on every other point we discussed. Its clear that whether adults or teenagers are hooking up, whether you’re experimenting or set in your ways, seeking a partner or seeking a good time: you will be challenged by the cultural norms surrounding your pleasure.

And whether or not you’re Jaclyn Friedman, feminist extraordinaire, you can play a huge part in changing all of that by standing proud, expressing your desire, and placing respect on top of all of your priorities next time you hit the frat house.

Of course I loved the smoking cigarette glasses, the “Reform School Girls” references, and that hot lesbian kiss in the prison yard. I also LOVE the fashion and aesthetics of the video, never mind the product placement, a girl needs to get paid.

I was definitely uneasy though, possibly due to Beyonce’s gruesome acting. I couldn’t shake that sinking “what will teen girls think?” feeling I had. Maybe it was the girl fight in prison and those multiple homicides? Jezebel does a fine job of critiquing, mainly saying it’s long, disjointed, muddled and self-indulgent.

I don’t have much to say about the Tarantino references here, since I never saw “Kill Bill”, but I do want to thank him for turning me onto Badlands, which I discovered when he photocopied it in True Romance. There are other rips and references that annoy me, though. What’s up with suburban Gaga playing a prison chola? And no, I don’t think its a nod to L.A. celebutantes getting prison time for drunk driving. And wearing beer cans in her hair? That’s a direct snatch from Maluca in her “El Tigeraso” video, not that Maluca has the copyright on innovative ways to style hair, but it feels blatant.

I love the “El Tigeraso” video, it looks and feels like a documentary, portrays real characters and details of Washington Heights, has lush colors, and Maluca is fierce in the way she handles street harassment. It has humor, it has claws, and it ends with her bringing the Merengue as she fronts an all girl band with beer cans in her hair and golden old-man flip flops.

Which leads me to another video with another fierce young woman at the helm: Rye-Rye and “Shake it to the Ground”

Love that its shot on HD, but made to look lo-fi, love the Baltimore character and landscape cutaways and the and block party vibe with dancing, double dutch and teen-girl energy. I personally am totally jealous of the dancing and the editing.

The takeaway messages from Maluca and Rye-Rye is that anyone (viewer, teen-girl, person with flipcam) can document their neighborhood, their friends, and what they do to pass the time. That kind of observation and interpretation is storytelling, and a form of cultural anthropology. It feels authentic because it is authentic. Gaga in her prison voyeurism, smacks of Madonna co-opting Voguing, which Bell Hooks critiques in her essay on “Blonde Ambition.” Melissa Gira Grant talks of “12 year old realness” and what DIY co-opting looked like for her.

Borrowing is tricky, artists have done it since the beginning of time. Storytelling doesn’t have to be autobiographical to be “real” but if you borrow or re-interpret do it right.  Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” video still holds up today – this is a movie within a video, a story with conflict, drama and resolution. After watching it I wanted nothing more than to move to Bay Ridge, wear that “Italians Do It Better” t-shirt, have sex with that hot guy I met in Tomkins Square Park, skip getting pregnant, and have Danny Aiello be my forgiving father. Is the video autobiographical? Who knows. But it sure works.

Gaga needs to keep it real, which doesn’t mean she should stop critiquing the patriarchy, the media and the music industry and “Just Dance.” She is grotesque, fabulous and over the top, and she needs to tell her own stories, in her own voice.

There is no actual harm in one man telling another man that his mother sucked his cock the previous night. It is just an invitation to dance

He shoved you and you put your hands up but you did not walk away. We take shoving to be a provocation after which one is justified in committing violence.

What the shove says is, I love you and I want to feel the violence of my love for you by having some contact. The shove says, I want some pain inflicted, will you please engage in some mutual infliction of pain? I need some pain. The shoving says, here, look at what I am willing to do: I am offering myself to you, to be beaten.

Will you please attack me so I feel whole again? Here, look, I will shove you again. That is my request. The shove says, “I want you. I want you to beat me.”

He might as well say, you know, I really love you and want to be intimate with you by fighting. Will you join me in a fight? Will you please slake my thirst for violence? I am attracted to you; I think it would be a deep, erotic pleasure to be beaten by you. Would you please? May I have this dance of violence?

These are film stills from “The Hurt Locker,” and the words are excerpted from an advice column by Cary Tennis of Salon.com.

Sunday was the premiere of MTV’s Sexting in America special, but I didn’t get to catch it until this morning due to not having cable, homework galore and a 24 hour stomach virus that snuck up on me yesterday.

While the special was interesting, well-made and featured a bevy of professional folk (an internet lawyer, anyone?), I was disappointed in MTV for not embracing teenagers and their emerging sexuality. I feel that adults are not comfortable with acknowledging the growing curiosity with sex amongst young people. That’s one of the biggest issues here, adults want to ignore – the fact that we are experimenting with sex. They assume that they know everything and want to protect us from irresponsibility, but they don’t realize that if they just spoke to us on a ‘real’ level, we would be more comfortable with what we did with our own bodies. And by adults, I mean ALL adults, not just your parents. Just like what Jaclyn Friedman says in her article, “When Sex is Normal, Normal People Will Talk About Sex“, instead of changing our persona “to conform to cultural norms,” we changed “the norms to conform” to our reality.

My generation is the technology generation; when I was thirteen, I registered for my first MySpace account. Everybody had one and altered their page to represent who they are (or who they wanted to be) through layouts, graphics, music, photos, etc. Your e-world revolved around comments, friend requests and number of hits your page received. You knew you had a hot photo when you received 10+ comments on it, and for a young teen, it was definitely a confidence booster. Showing off your abs, flexing your muscles or flaunting your curves was virtually accepted, and if people had a problem with it, then they were considered haters.

Of course, it’s not a smart decision to send a provocative photo of yourself to anyone, particularly an ex-boyfriend (you’re not going out with him for a reason), because it can end up being seen by e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. However, we shouldn’t start victim-blaming; with each sexting case I come across, the problem starts with the person receiving the text who ends up forwarding it to all his contacts. Then she gets blamed, and the entire school calls her a “slut”, “whore” and “ho.” Here is where the issue of GENDER ROLES come into play. If a guy showed his junk to the entire school, people wouldn’t be calling him a “ho” or a “slut”. They would mostly likely give him props and all the girls would be trying to get with him. But when Ally’s topless photo circulated around the school, she was getting bashed by everyone. One of the name-callers even appeared on the special, claiming that she wanted to fight her because Ally’s boobs appeared on her man’s phone and she was jealous. Girl, don’t you think you man has a collection of playboys under his bed that he peeps every so often?

Not being in high school makes everyone forget how important your reputation meant to you, but once you graduate you realize how pointless all that bullshit was. We should think about why we call a girl a “ho” and “slut” for doing exactly what everyone else is doing. That’s natural… its the shaming that isn’t.

You know, I’ve heard sexual songs before. Hip-hop, pop, rock, even country litter what would be a beautiful record collection within my hard drive. This means I know it all, and that means I know that nothing is as it seems. of Montreal whispered to me that my body was actually an earthquake, and Bon Iver sometimes urges me to “multiply.”  Even Death Cab knew how it sometimes was, narrating the stories of women who don’t know they deserve better and others who give up on fulfilling sexuality too soon.

But there is something to be noted about Regina Spektor’s “Dance Anthem of the 80’s.” The song is frank: “there’s a meat market down the street, where boys and girls watch each other eat,” she explains to us all, “but they really just want to watch each other sleep.” So, she knew us all along, then, be it because she watched us strut down sidewalks with arms linked (or because she’s keeping tracks on all those kids traversing campus in the jeans, plaid, or toga from the night before).

But “Dance Anthem” is less about sex than it is about that difficult path to becoming a sexual being. I knew the song was special when she started telling a vague and generic story that suddenly came to life as my own, and, as I realize now, a little bit of everyone’s, sometimes difficult journey to sexual independence.

“I went walking through the city, like a drunk, but not, with my slip showin’ a little, like a drunk, but not- and I am one of your people, but the cars don’t stop. It’s been a long time since before I’ve been touched, and now I’m gettin’ touched all the time. It’s a matter of whom, and it’s a matter of when.”

I was struck by the imagery of that scenario, one that captures every step of that process. We begin carefree, trusting, and unaware of the implications of seeking pleasure in the society we live in. Then, we find ourselves caught alone when we realize that to do this hookup thing for ourselves, we need to truly appreciate ourselves. And then- the realization. The sudden, closing, and empowering thought that even if pleasure seeking means some lost pride and some missteps along the way, it is the self-assurance that every night belongs to our desires that keeps our heads raised. Learning to express sexual desire means nobody else controls those desires, or our actions. They belong, finally, to us, and not to the media, the textbooks, or anyone else.

Except maybe Regina.

I am not an avid TV watcher, but I keep up to date with what’s going on in pop culture through the status updates on my Facebook news feed. After MTV aired the episode of Jersey Shore where Snooki, one of the guidettes,  gets punched by a guy at the bar, I read Facebook statuses of friends like “damn that bitch got smacked” and “that’s so crazy, pumped for next week’s episode”. I was interested in how MTV would deal with the violence, so I sat at home and caught a re-run of that episode. After the show, MTV stated they did not condone violence and if you are in a situation where you are being abused, please contact a hotline and seek help. It felt like they were clearing their name, airing a 60-second PSA on dating violence, after glorifying violence against women. I doubt the millions of viewers who drank in Jersey Shore sat around afterward discussing gender violence, or how fucked up it was on MTV’s part to promote the episode using that clip. Most people were excited to catch next week’s episode and hoped it was as juicy.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and I’ve been watching an influx of shows, PSAs and segments created by the mainstream media in order to combat this “rising epidemic” of teen dating violence and “sexting”. MTV has launched their own campaign against ‘digital drama’ and ’sexting’, A Thin Line, with a website full of expensive-looking videos, quizzes and stories targeted towards teens. As a young womyn of color and a product of this generation, I couldn’t help but notice how much money MTV executives were spending to create a website for teens with hired teen actors and a $10k challenge. Is this what MTV is presenting to my peer group? A handful of badly-written scripts, supposedly “for us” with some edgy graphics?

Katie Couric’s featured video was on teen dating violence, and was basically “A Thin Line” for mothers. The video did offer heartfelt stories, alarming statistics and voices of real victims of violence, but what I got out of the thirty-minute segment is terror that clueless mothers across America are jotting down mental notes listening to Couric & Co.’s advice. Couric suggests that parents should ban their child from using his/her phone at night and keep the computers outside the bedrooms. If my mother banned me from my phone after 9 p.m. to keep me safe from violence, I would have told her to stop paying attention to novelas! Follow Couric’s advice if you want your daughter/son hating you; adolescence is hectic as it is, no need for more tension in the household.

As a young feminist-activista growing up in Bushwick, I was aware of violence; I would hear couples arguing in the streets at night, witnessed husbands raising their hands at wives, and know girls who think when a guy gets crazy jealous its because he loves her. Going to high school in the Lower East Side, I became more involved with the activist scene and declared myself a feminist. After the murder of a seventeen year-old Tina Negron at a local supermarket by her boyfriend, a neighborhood coalition formed called The Power of Peace. POP wants to put an end to violence and promote peace through organizing marches, events and community projects. Through empowering young people to make change, we can create environments and give them the knowledge to make smarter decisions. I doubt my friends have seen the Couric special or heard of “A Thin Line”, and they probably wouldn’t show much interest in it, since we’re not represented. Corporate media, we’re smarter than you think we are, so give us respect and show an interest in what we actually have to say!

This is my very first little video shot with the Sanyo Xacti and edited on iMovie. A little bumpy and uneven, but its a learning process. Makes you realize how important sound is. Even if the picture jumps, if you’re sound is continuous you’d notice it less.

Back in September, my film opened for Deborah Kampmeier’s VIRGIN, starring the incredible teenaged Elisabeth Moss at the International Women’s Film Festival in Israel. After our screening they took us out for a yummy lunch with food and wine. This is what film producer and festival programmer Sigal had to say about her line. I love the idea that when you speak your mind, and do it clearly, some folks might still try and act like you’re talking about the birds!