A new report, entitled “Sex and School: Adolescent Sexual Intercourse and Education,” is making huge waves in headlines. The study, completed by Bill McCarthy of the University of California Davis and Eric Grodsky of the University of Minnesota (two sociologists, I might add), collected data on youth intercourse, romantic and nonromantic, and youth performance in school.
Some research-style background: the study looked at school attachment, high school GPA, college aspiration, college expectations, problems in school, ever truant, the number of days truant, school sanctions (suspended/expelled), and dropping out. The research was completed with the intention of describing intercourse- which the researchers believe means the survey was primarily completed by those involved in the act of vaginal intercourse. Participants were allowed to self-identify as being in romantic or nonromantic relationships, and were responsible for making the distinction.
If you’ve read some mainstream coverage of the report, you’re probably very confounded by the data: people in relationships and people who abstain from sex do just fine in school (or, at least, do not find that intercourse disturbs their existing patterns academically) and people who hook up simply don’t? That can’t be!
Here’s an age-old beef between scientists (social or otherwise) and journalists: the former tend to be exceptionally careful about drawing conclusions from their research. It’s one thing to argue, “Data X and Data Y show a relationship,” it’s another thing altogether to actually argue, “Data X is the cause of Data Y.” This is what’s known as the correlation vs. causality distinction and it is absolutely fundamental to any kind of responsible research methodology and discussion.
The difference between a correlation and a cause may seem minor- after all, why not jump the bridge of conclusions and just make a statement, already?! – but it isn’t. Social scientists would not claim something was a cause if really, data was just correlated. Similarly, they would never call a cause a correlation if it was clear that causality existed. Such is science: you say what is scientifically and methodologically true.
And this is why everyone should actually be reading this report – instead of the coverage. (And why the journalists should pick up a copy, too.) Heather Corrina’s coverage of the report for Scarleteen elaborates on that fine distinction, and why the scientists themselves are not ready to make claims, about hooking up or its effects on student’s academic performance:
This study also can’t tell us much about the academic impact of “hookups” or “flings,” since it doesn’t talk about them nor were those terms used in the study, and adults reporting or classifying teen nonromantic relationships as such may be projecting or making unwarranted assumptions about teens’ nonromantic relationships in doing so. We cannot say what types of romantic or nonromantic relationships intercourse occurred in in the study. All one can state with authority is that the individuals in them either classified them as romantic or non-romantic and/or did or did not mark relationships as meeting the criteria in the list above. Some of the intercourse reported as non-romantic may well have occurred, and probably did occur, in “casual sex” contexts like one-night stands. However, some may have occurred in friends-with-benefits scenarios, via open romantic relationships, or in brand-new relationships which the participants did not yet engage in the above behaviours or don’t yet classify as romantic, or other possibilities. But to classify the non-romantic sex as being about any one kind of relationship, beyond merely non-romantic, is poor reporting and is not supported by the study.
The authors do not ever, in presenting their results, use the word “cause” to connect sex & academic outcomes – they use “relationship” or “association” or “correlation.” This study does NOT show that any kind of sex causesanything to do with academic outcomes, only that some academic outcomes or attitudes do or do not occur when teens are also having intercourse or not having intercourse in certain contexts. Something else McCarthy explained to me was that “the GPA and other outcome data are form the subsequent year so they do have temporal order and correct for selection into sex; however,that selection is not random so we can’t really talk about cause.”
The truth about hooking up and school is that nobody knows how hooking up will effect our performance in the classroom, because that isn’t what this study was about. But in the coverage of the piece, it has become obvious that preconceived notions about sexuality and relationships are present in the pens of journalists.
I may not be a scientist, but I’d like to make some suggestions based on the findings of this report: get some, and get smart.
Meeting new romantic interests is often full of mystery. Whether you prefer dating or hooking up, everyone should have ‘red flags.’ These are my top three turn-offs when I’m meeting new flames:
1. The person wants you to act unintelligent- This person might or might not appreciate your individual intelligence, but the end goal is they want you to know how much smarter they are than you, and they want other people to know, too. This is someone who undermines your opinion and intelligence. They are assholes. These actions can lower your self esteem and make you second guess every little thought and action.
2. The person attempts to keep you from spending time elsewhere- This is actually an all-too-common occurrence: how many of us give up friends and family, even temporarily or only slightly, for a new flame? A lot of us have, and many of us could name friends who have sort of drifted after beginning a new tryst. There is a difference, however, between being pre-occupied with a new romance and the person you are with trying to isolate you from people who care about you. This is a classic red flag of an abuser: they want you to be completely isolated and in their control.
3. They only show interest in physicality- I tend to like it when people acknowledge the fact that I have a brain and personality. Some guys treat me like a trophy or new toy, and it’s disconcerting. I understand flattery, but sometimes it’s hard to believe there’s anything underneath.
From time to time I like to browse on Cosmopolitan’s online website for various reasons. The other night I came upon an article about breaking the cycles of toxic relationships:
“We were shocked when we heard that the first guy Rihanna seriously dated after Chris Brown had been accused of domestic abuse by an ex-girlfriend. After everything she went through, it would seem as if she’d be repulsed by men with that kind of reputation.
Turns out, the opposite is more likely to be true. “Most of us have a relationship pattern — that same type of guy we keep falling for — and it can work for or against us,” says couples therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men. “It’s not uncommon for women to keep going back to the type that wronged them in the past.” How do you change whom you’re drawn to dating? It’s not easy, but it starts with figuring out where your attraction to these guys came from in the first place. …
All guys have less-than-admirable moments, but there are major tip-offs that your type is bad for you. Consistently feeling worse about yourself as you become more involved with a boyfriend is a giveaway that something isn’t right, says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Love in 90 Days. Other red flags: feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around a guy and dropping everything to spend time with him even though he’s proven he wouldn’t do the same for you. And while only you know what your relationships are really like, pay attention if your friends and family disapprove of every man you date, says Gratch.
To alter whom you’re attracted to, you need to believe that what you’ve experienced isn’t how love has to or should be, says Dunn. Ask friends who are happy in their relationships to describe how their guy behaves toward them so you can hear what you’re missing out on. Or if you’re coming off yet another bad breakup, consider seeing a therapist to make peace with the guy who originally wronged you, recommends Kirschner. For extra motivation, picture what your life could be like in 10 years if you’re still choosing men who treat you badly versus men who will care for you in a positive way. Which future do you want?”
After reading this article, I immediately thought about the recent discussions about the “Love the Way you Lie” video by Eminem and Rihanna. I, like Melissa D., was not completely shocked and appalled by the video. Growing up, I have seen many men abuse the women in their lives: my uncle went to jail for physically hurting his wife, and as his children grew up, many of them followed the same path. The oldest of the bunch went to prison for robbery and attempted murder, while the others either became pregnant or developed substance addictions.
I was always taught by my family that if you choose to defend yourself in any situation, you must be able to deal with the consequences- regardless if it led to any physical violence. My brother had a drug addiction and his mood would change constantly- while under the influence, he would often pick fights with me, and I was always the headstrong type, so I naturally argued back with him. He would hurt me, but my parents chose to ignore it because they believed in keeping family issues private and felt I should be obedient, as a woman. I chose to keep my mouth shut instead of speaking up, from that time on.
Looking back at my high school years, I realized that in every relationship that I was in, I always tried to please my partner regardless of their choices and preferences. I always felt immediate attraction to those who were sweet and nice, but when I began a relationship with them, I began to see the negative. (However, I still believed that the “sweet and nice” guy would somehow appear again.)
This article is right in asking, “what future do you want?” We must picture the women we want to be and strive for it. Having a relationship is a beautiful experience, but you must be able to see yourself without anyone else: to have a strong relationship, you must strive to be strong, and always prioritize your health and happiness above all else.
Jennifer Aniston’s new film, “Switch,” is a tale with a provocative beginning: a turkey baster. Her character in the movie uses artificial insemination to have a child alone. That’s right – alone. No boyfriend, no, girlfriend, no partner, no husband, no wife.
“Switch” is about a single mother (and, even though it is a love story, attempts to encompass the theme of choosing to be a mother, alone). For real. And that’s why Aniston did it. In a recent interview, she said:
“Love is love and family is what is around you and who is in your immediate sphere. That is what I love about this movie. It is saying it is not the traditional sort of stereotype of what we have been taught as a society of what family is.”
It’s important that we realize, firstly, that pregnancy, motherhood, and sexuality are closely related. The same gender injustices that plague the openly sexual, the sexually “deviant,” and those affected by sexual violence also impact our understanding and cultural perception of pregnant and parenting women.
And single mothers are always under attack: reports each day, month, and year blame children’s drug addictions, killing habits, and gang violence on single-parent families; the government is constantly snipping away at the economic security of women who aren’t dependent on men, but do need assistance (and recently cut diapers from the Food Stamps list); and now, Bill O’Reilly has some choice words for Aniston and “Switch.” According to ABC News, he thinks Aniston’s film is to blame for destroying the “American Family.”
In O’Reilly’s eyes, Aniston’s comments make her a threat to the American family.
“She’s throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that ‘Hey, you don’t need a guy. You don’t need a dad.’ That is destructive to our society,” he said on Tuesday’s “O’Reilly Factor.”
Fox News contributor Margaret Hoover and Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson chimed in on the topic, agreeing with O’Reilly that teens and tweens can’t understand the difference between a mature woman raising a child on her own (Aniston is 41) and a teen having a baby.
“She is glamorizing single parenthood,” Carlson said.
As usual, I’m going to break this down for you: Bill O’Reilly, a conservative white dude from who-cares-where America with a talk show and a sexual harassment suit under his belt, thinks that the film “Switch,” a light-hearted piece about single parenthood starring a fully adult woman, is going to destroy the American family, encourage teen pregnancy, and diminish the importance of fatherhood. He also asserted this while giving single moms about .05 percent of that screen time, filling it with lip service about how “abandoned” mothers do great things every day (presumably, like finding new husbands).
To that, I have much to say.
I was raised by a single mother from the age of four on. This has made me appreciate the importance of love in families, of close-knit and open families, of talking and of appreciating the ones you’re with. I am hardworking because my mother was hardworking, and how: she works a humble job and sent my brother and I to immensely prestigious private colleges, all with relatively no money or power to ease our growth. We grew up simple and humble. We studied hard and we had a lot of support and a strong sense of values. We are ambitious and intelligent. We stand head-and-shoulders above many of our peers from married families.
My father, on the other hand, is about as in-tune with my family as Bill O’Reilly himself. Normally, this isn’t something I talk about or throw out there, but it’s necessary now. Right now. Right when movies are finally being made that don’t show single mothers shooting drugs and fucking up their lives. Right when actresses who are single adults are unafraid to admit that they will still pursue families. Right when the stigma and shame of being a single parent remains threatened by people like Bill O’Reilly- by straight, white dudes who treat women like shit and want to ensure that all families make room for men, no matter how violent or unloving those men are.
Bill O’Reilly said that single mothers do great things. He was right. Single parents, and especially single mothers, do great things every day. But Bill O’Reilly doesn’t mean it, and he should. I’m interested in how many of the following things O’Reilly knows: that single mothers on welfare complete their Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees, JD’s and Ph.D.’s every day; that single mothers feed entire families while working full-time jobs, often without a hitch; and that when there are hitches, single moms everywhere have proven, year after year and budget cuts after budget cuts, that they have no time to wait on anyone else, and that they will accomplish what they need to – no matter what the time spent, effort involved, or obstacles thrown.
As someone who has been working to empower women in her local communities for some time (not a long time, but certainly longer than Bill O’Reilly), it is hard for me to watch anyone incorrectly summarize what empowerment looks like. There are many routes to empowering women – especially single mothers, who are caught at many intersections of oppression.
For example, single mothers are going to be more likely to be poor than married women, no matter how many children those married women have. Why? The wage gap. If women are already paid less than men, how can women without men in their lives even dream of competing on equal footing? So we need economic empowerment: financial literacy, equal pay, flex-time, and family-friendly workplaces that do not punish working parents.
Similarly, teen mothers (who, unbeknownst to panelists on the O’Reilly Factor, become adult women in no time) face hurdles in completing their educations, and therefore often slip into poverty. So we need educational empowerment: equal access to educational resources, increased scholarships, outreach to women in non-traditional fields of interest, and networking opportunities for everyone in the working world.
Lastly, single mothers also need supports that all women, regardless of familial status, need: cultural equality, healthy and non-violent relationships, workplaces that embrace female leadership, and full equality under the law.
It is hard to believe that “Switch” will actually destroy the American Family, but it may change some minds. It is giving single mothers a voice, and it may alter the way we, as a culture, perceive women who raise children by themselves. It may help us understand their unique situations and it will finally give people everywhere the chance to applaud their accomplishments. And that, I daresay, is not dangerous. Rather, I think it is very important.
It is also hard to believe that “Switch” is going to convince anyone that fatherhood is unimportant. It is hard to believe women at any time in our current economic and cultural state will choose to embark on a road of discrimination and oppression that is known as “single parenthood.” But it is just as hard to imagine that the problems women face have a solution called “fathers” or “husbands.” The solution is empowerment, and the ability to be heard.
Bill O’Reilly may work for a television network, but he’s tuned out to the realities of single motherhood – and it’s offensive.
National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-866-331-9474 National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here
Above is the information that I feel very strongly should have accompanied Eminem/Rihanna video for “Love The Way You Lie”. Video is below. Just one sentence. Just one phone number.
But it didn’t.
Tomorrow you’ll hear my voice about this.
But for today, please listen to the voice of my guest poster, Melissa D:
Watching the video with Rihanna and Eminem felt somewhat “normal” to me; I wish I could say I was horrified or that it was appalling, but sadly it wasn’t. I grew up in a home like that. When I first married my husband I helped create a home like that, because it took me a long time to realize I needed to get some direction on how to end the cycle and change my way of thinking. This is a very real experience for many couples, unfortunately. When you grow up in a home full of domestic violence, you learn to believe that it is love. You learn if someone loves you they hit you or that if they love you they are so full of passion that they can’t take it, they explode.
I think while this video shows a very real depiction of what happens it also needs to be used as a tool to start a discussion about what can be done to end the cycle. Some ask, “Why would a women stay in this situation?” or “Why would a women initiate the violence?” Women stay for a variety of reasons and they initiate it for a variety of reasons; I know for myself I stayed in many types of abusive relationships because of the domestic violence I grew up with, my dad was never punished for it and no one ever saved me from it, so it seemed acceptable.
Young girls are often very insecure, for a multitude of reasons: home life, media, school, you name it, and there are so many ways that women are left feeling inferior. All of this insecurity can be used against them when faced with an abuser. Even if you haven’t grown up in an abusive home you maybe so insecure, much like how my mother ended up in an abusive relationship with my father, that you tolerate the abuse. You think you deserve it or you can stop it. This is one of the many reasons it is SO important to teach our girls to respect themselves and to realize their own self worth; that they can be so much more than someone’s target.
I have found that woman that initiate domestic violence or participate in it are often from abusive homes themselves or have been in a cycle of abusive relationships. They initiate it because it feels like love to them; it’s giving and receiving love. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it can also be very real. In some strange way, when you grow up with domestic abuse you can become hardwired to believe that it’s passion. It feels safe when they hit you; it’s like an old familiar teddy bear, in a way. Much like how Rihanna referenced “I like the way it hurts.” I know that may seem crazy, but in some strange way it can be true.
I hope that the purpose of this video was to start conversations much like the one’s we’ve had on Pigtail Pals’ facebook page, about what we can to do to end the cycle. While it is “entertainment” it is an important tool to teach our children that violence in any form is never okay. We need all of our children, girls and boys, to learn to stand up for themselves without violence. End the Cycle.
Melissa D’s story of the life long cycle of Domestic Abuse, and of her survival:
The abuse in my family started long before I was born; my dad grew up with two alcoholic parents and my mom grew up with a single mother and a semi uninvolved father. My dad started abusing my mom very quickly into their relationship; you would think she would leave right? Unfortunately not, she was so insecure that I think she actually believed she could make it stop, that she deserved it, and that he must really love her if he’s so suspicious. They married and the abuse continued, however my dad did quit drinking and has been sober for many years. I remember very little from before I was five years old as you might expect, but I remember everything after that very well. My sister was born that year and that’s when I really remember the abuse amping up. I never saw my dad hit my mom and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t going on during that time. My dad was a very intelligent man with very little ambition to do great things, he believed things were owed to him, not that he had to work for them; this made it very difficult for my mother as she always had to try and keep a steady income as he could never hold down a job. Plus, I think working was an easy escape for my mom; sadly this left him with us girls most of the time. I am the oldest; I have a middle sister as I said five years younger and a baby sister eight years younger. My dad really tried to focus his abuse on me as my mom was always gone and my sisters were too little. As I look at it now I think I spent a lot of time antagonizing him just to protect them. The worst was bedtime, I was a bed-wetter as the result of his abuse, but then every night from the time I was five years old he would come in; in the middle of the night to see if I had wet the bed. If I had he would yank me out of bed andthrow me on the floor and then when I would get up I would have to take my sheets off and put them in the washer and wait to switch them to the dryer, school night or not. You can imagine the impact this had on my school life. The abuse continued to escalate for years, I remember one of the most embarrassing times was when I had a birthday sleepover and I had all of my friends over and my dad got mad that I had taken chips out of the cabinet so he bit me on my thumb right through the skin and flesh, I was bleeding pretty profusely and my friends noticed and we spent the rest of the night huddled under blankets scared of my father. It’s funny really, that I would have had people over to the house at all, you would think I would have wanted to keep that a secret, but I think it was such a normal part of life that I didn’t consider until I was an adult how strange it really was, plus I am fairly certain I was hoping someone would save me from this hell. Unfortunately, we looked like a normal family from the outside, my parents were very active in the community and at school and we never showed any signs of abuse, or at least not one’s people noticed, I guess.
The abuse went on with daily stories much like the one’s above until around my 12th birthday. My mom took me to get a perm for my birthday, I was really excited. School had just started and I was in 5th grade with Mrs. McClure (only the best teacher in the whole school!!) One night I woke up in the basement where my sister and I had rooms and I heard a shrieking and sobbing sound coming from upstairs; so my middle sister and I went upstairs to see what was happening. My mom was crying and my dad hurried us back downstairs, my mom assured us everything was okay and my dad took us back downstairs. What I didn’t know until later is that while my dad took us downstairs my mom had called the police, my parents were fighting because my mom told him she was leaving him and he threatened to kill her and they must have started fighting. Shortly after my dad took us downstairs a police officer came down and asked us to come up, I was 12 and my younger sister was 7, it was scary but somewhat of a relief, FINALLY SOMEONE OTHER THAN US KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!
My Mom never talked to us about what happened. The police hauled my Dad off and we went back to bed, we had school the next day. My mom worked at the elementary school that we attended so my teacher already knew what had happened the night before, as soon as I came in she hugged me and the tears rolled down my cheeks, it was such a safe feeling, a little release from what had been a very heavy load.
My dad never came back into the house after that, the next weekend my mom, sisters and I loaded up his belongings into his van and drove it down the street for him to come and get. Several weeks later he moved into an apartment down the block from the duplex we were living in. My parents fought in court for two years, but our visits with dad started up shortly after he left. The abuse continued and no one did anything. I was not forced to go, but I couldn’t bare to let me sisters go alone, at least not until they were old enough to take care of themselves, so as they got older I saw him less and less although he would call and verbally abuse me several times a week.
When I was 14 is when I started looking for boys and choosing acceptable “mates” the boys I had my eyes on were nothing but trouble from the word go, we lived in a very dangerous neighborhood on Madison’s west side, so there were plenty of troubled boys to find everywhere I looked; gang bangers, pedophiles, and criminals galore. My mom was gone working most of the time and I was left alone with my sisters, but still struggling to become a woman. I put myself and my sisters in very dangerous situations. This is how I truly understand the meaning of “but for the grace of God go I” because it is a mystery how we didn’t end up dead or kidnapped or worse.
My first “boyfriend” was a 14 year old boy that was really putting the pressure on me to have sex. He wasn’t the first boy to ask but he was my first boyfriend, so it was a much more intense pressure. Thankfully I had the good sense to wait, but it wasn’t easy. Our relationship was intense, I ran away from home to be with him. He was “so nice to me” which at that time meant he wasn’t hitting me. He was a good guy and actually turned out to be a decent man. While I was busy with him, my mom was busy dating too many men to count each of them weirder than the last, mostly because she was so insecure that she was looking for the wrong type of relationship too. It’s strange really, because growing up I never thought of my mom as insecure, I used to think she was the strongest woman I knew.
As time went on my relationships with men got more complex, I wanted so badly to be with a man that “wouldn’t hit me” but I kept choosing one’s that would. I realize now that it was because I was truly more comfortable with hitting than with not. The last boyfriend I had before I met my husband was an amazing man and truly deserves a medal for putting up with me. He would have never hit me no matter how hard I pushed him. We dated for several years and he finally had enough of being pushed and left me two weeks before I graduated high school, it was devastating. I wish I had realized then the help I truly needed, but unfortunately no one that knew what had happened with my father or how I grew up guided me towards getting help. It wasn’t until after this amazing man broke up with me that I realized how much help I truly needed. Over the summer, I got help and learned that I need to start seeing the world differently, so that I can change my perception that abuse=love. In order to move on with my life, I moved to Chicago with a friend. This is where I met my husband. We started off so in love we met in November and by June we were engaged, I was 20 years old, by July I was pregnant and we were on the fast track to a family. He had grown up in a horribly abusive home full of drug use and domestic violence, thankfully not directed at him but between his parents; initiated by both his father and his mother. We truly believed that we could create a normal life together without abuse; it was a nice dream but an almost impossible one because we were both hardwired to believe that domestic violence is an acceptable way of life. By the time our son was six weeks old we were fighting weekly like prize fighting boxers. I initiated it, he initiated it; it just went on and on until one night at the bottom of the stairs I was screaming for help and a neighbor called the police. The police came and explained that they would take us both away if we were fighting especially with a newborn in the house. It was interesting really, that we were under so much stress that we just resorted to what we knew best, domestic violence. Along with the violence came passion, if we had fought we would “make up” like crazy, it was a horrible cycle but it felt like love. We realized after some time that this wasn’t working and had to make changes. We started making changes and realizing that we have to rewire ourselves so that we can rewire our future together. We still have some arguments, but we never put our hands on one another. We also realize that we have to make a conscious effort to end our cycle of domestic violence and remove it from our family’s history so that our children don’t repeat the same behaviors.
