Author Archive

I am a sexual being + candy

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Having fun today making a video with Ingrid for Valentine’s Day. We hope to show it to MTV next week!

It changes- please ask. please listen.

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Don't make assumptions

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Establishing a mutual comfort level

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Growing up, gender roles sometime led me to believe that I should be the initiator in such situations as when to kiss, touch or have sex. At the same time I noticed that in half of those situations it was my partner that would suggest what we should do. Over the years I have refined my sense of feeling out someone’s comfort level and realized that the best way to feel comfortable is to mutually agree upon where the situation is going. It’s about trust and that’s where I draw my line.

Vintage Sexual Harassment – Jerusalem, 2000

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Cleaning out my office yesterday, I stumbled upon a decade-old stack of printed out emails and photographs. Ten years ago I was living and working in Jerusalem, my hair was long and black, and wearing a tank top was a subversive act. Here’s a little snapshot of a hot June morning, and for the record, my shoulders were bare.

From: Nancy Schwartzman, Jerusalem

To: Ex Boyfriend, Brooklyn

Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2000 9:50 AM

Subject: Jerusalem Morning

We’re all jaded. Ears Accustomed. Eyes averted.

We’ve heard it all before:

Cat calls and whistles up and down Atlantic Avenue-

Little boys too young to call you beautiful, men too old to even look at you-

Spanish, Spanglish, Chinese, English, whispers, shouts, hisses…

Canal Street, Houston, Park Ave., 4th Ave., Douglass, Amsterdam, the A, B C and D.

But this one was different:

9:00 am. Blazing Sun. Pale, pale me. Stumbling along through the park to my office – no coffee, too vain to wear a hat,  shielding my eyes from the desert sun searing over the Hinnom Valley.  Dressed in New York black, red Kenneth Cole Slides. Feeling Fierce.

From between the cracks in my fingers,  a vision of the tiniest, most wrinkled man, appears out of a cloud of desert dust, a scarf flapping carelessly over his shoulder. A brown grisled hand clutches his crotch as he hobbles toward me.

I avert my eyes.

He continues on his bowlegged path, crotch in hand, destination unclear.

No, not him. He needs to relieve himself. He’s a grandpa! Not him, not now. So old, so small, too early in the morning, and I can’t run on slippery Jerusalem stones in my sloping Slides.

The inevitable happens. Crotch grabbing, scarf flapping, legs bowling, teeth missing -leans in real close, reaches out to touch and asks:

“do you speak English? I love you.”

When I’m no longer living in the Middle East, am I gonna miss mornings like this?

love,

nancy

And to try and answer that question now, I can say that yes I miss hot, desert mornings and no, I don’t miss feeling intimidated by a wrinkled old man. Next time, I’ll have my camera with me… Anyone wanna start a HollabackJerusalem?

Who's Afraid of Bears?

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Social Media / Working Films

Photo: I’m a Woman

@thelinecampaign: Sex. Consent. Power. Pleasure.
The Line is a film. The Line is a movement. The Line is up to you.

“THE LINE is about building a world where people are free to be sexual beings without being used or mistreated. Hookup culture disempowers even its bravest soldiers with “dude, I’m gettin’ some tonight;” even when women play the game, we’re expected to obey someone else’s rules.”
From: “Next time, text me back: I was the Grrl du Jour” (Author: Carmen)

“I applaud Ronan’s speaking out about his struggle as a male person negotiating “Manhood” with a commitment to social justice… As a male person who grew up with and fully defensive about all but class privilege, I understand that coming to a place of recognition without defensiveness and learning from the discomfort is difficult and it’s a process that requires a courage and strength much more meaningful than the traditional “Manly” version.”
From: “Responses to: Sexist Boyhood in Urban New Jersey” (Author: Ronen, Comment Jonathon Grove)

The Line is a 24-minute documentary, challenging ideas about sexual consent, negotiation, and boundaries. It is told from a personal point of view in a compelling, engaging style suited for a college-age audience. It is the first film of its kind to address the topic of consent in a direct, sex-positive voice, while examining a sexual assault where part of the act was consensual and part of it was forced.  The film asks the question: where is the line defining consent?

The biggest challenge for this outreach project, was taking the topic of sexual assault and creating a space for non-polarizing, accessible, and non-judgmental conversation that emphasizes communication, personal responsibility and pleasure. Our goal was to create an educational, interactive and multi-media campaign that fosters dialogue about sexual boundaries and consent, and empowers young men and women to discuss complex scenarios about healthy relationships and sex.

Photo: OMG, Yes, Please ETC.

With support from The Fledgling Fund, and collaboration with Melissa Gira Grant we launched where is your line? a group blog on consent, sex, pleasure, and ways we all can ask for what we want. Through shared stories, photos, and comments, we invite the audience to become participants, and to dig deeper into the questions raised by the film. Using the online/social media tools popular with college students and activists, — blogging, Facebook, internet video, and Twitter, we solicited entries from people with large networks, jumped onto message boards, and cross-posted our content as broadly as possible. Once we started generating stories, the thornier the better, we enriched the experience by soliciting comments from educators and sexperts, who would eventually become our non-profit partners.

We wanted to launch the website with a splash, and the opportunity came our way in the form of Tucker Max and the release of his film “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell“. Facebook, twitter and feminist blogs were lighting up in anger about the sexist, misogynist and racist content of the film, and the truly nasty ways his camp was responding to protesters using video and photo-shop. In less than two days, we cut together a PSA-style video piece, sticking to our message that good sex is consensual sex, and reminding frat boys everywhere that Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. We posted the video on our site and throughout our networks, and it got picked up on feministing.com, which in turn got picked up on Tucker Max’s site, which directed more folks back to us. Being part of the media response to Tucker helped us get established, and helped his film bomb at the box office!

Photo: When does a guy become “That Guy”

Working Films has always emphasized long-standing and far reaching relationships with non-profit partners to maximize the impact of your film. We have tested the waters using our online networks, and have now identified the right organizations to collaborate with on a concrete level, with tangible and attainable mutual goals. Using the Working Films summit model, we look forward to bringing The Line and The Line Campaign into hundreds of classrooms and community groups nationwide.

Alcohol + Consent, a G-chat

Rishauna: hi nancy–are you available to give your perspective on a work related question?

me: yes i am. what’s up?

Rishauna: i was thinking about my workshops tomorrow…part of the usual cycle of Teen relationship abuse, sexual violence, and healthy relatshps
(all of course in like 40 min periods)
and i tried something recently in linking the end of the sexual violence component (myths and facts) to talk about consent as a prevention piece and also as a link to a part of healthy relationships which is where i go next before fitting in their post test
me: ok
Rishauna: and they were asking the question today about what if both people were drunk
me: yes. good, hard question.
Rishauna: during sex and if it is rape and what not
me: alcohol and consent is tricky
Rishauna: and we had talked about how when one is intoxicated, its not possible to fully give and understand consent, if its being given
me: yup — the law states, basically if you have sex w/someone when they are “incapacitated”, it is against the law
Rishauna: and i talked about how in the moment perhaps people weren’t reading signals, communicating limits, etc but the next day if one person wakes up feeling violated…there’s obv a bigger issue
(thanks for the legal there!)
me: what was their question? because there is a BIG MYTH that people wake up the next day and feel guilty or ashamed (which is valid, since we do put so much shame on sexual behavior) so then they call it rape. false reporting – that doesn’t usually happen.
Rishauna: and so i was thinking about those situations..the ‘unintended’ sexual violence i guess…vs. when someone is clearly knowing what they are doing and all about the power and control
me: although, being drunk is dangerous (and simply not good sex!) for both parties i don’t really know if I believe in “unintended” sexual violence. how about checking out: mencanstoprape.org they have some posters and stuff about that.
Rishauna: and its not necessarily to be used in the workshop, but i wondered what you thought about most cases of sexual violence…if the majority are about people trying to force and violate and the cases of drunken, unintended is less…same, more but then i wonder if this is a pointless question of mine since if the results are the same… it just should never happen and we can’t let the perps off the hook wiht the alcohol excuse
me: i don’t believe in “unintended sexual violence” — you can say as a teacher, you get drunk, and don’t rape people, or force them, or whatever so really, “being drunk” doesn’t enable or cause this behavior.
Rishauna: mmm
me: people shouldn’t drink and drive, so they shouldn’t drink and fuck – because it is risky all around.
sexpostive wise: 1) you’re more numb when you’re drunk 2) your dick doesn’t work 3) its not good sex.
and “unintended” sounds to me like bullshit. you need to ask before you do something.
if your partner is blacking out, passed out, puking, stumbling, she/he is incapacitated
and if you’re pressuring him/her consistently, and they’re just trying to pass out and they fuck you to shut you up — that’s not really consent, either.
Rishauna: yeah i think i was thinking about how when you use the consent angle its all about preventing ourselves from being perpetrators…and so like there is this empathy created i guess on how to notice signals, ask, communicate etc…and how if we did that we could prevent the assaults from happening…
but i guess that assumes an honest and well meaning person
me: exactly.
Rishauna: and those people who would care about giving consent are perhaps not the people who ‘drunkenly unintend to rape’
me: we are talking about honest, well-meaning people. there used to be a “code” (remember even Omar on the wire has a code!) but the code was, if  lady was drunk you didn’t go there. that simple.
Rishauna: (Love your 1, 2, 3!)
me: yes, you’re totally on it — thx re: #s
me: you could also pose them a bunch of questions about why they drink before sex… we’re trying to “navigate” and “explore” you’re kind of stumbling into shit when you’re drunk. is it bc we’re told “you’re a slut” if you like sex, and ask for it, when you’re sober? like consciously go there?
try asking and getting sex when you’re sober. its fucking THRILLING. scary + amazing.
thx re: mom. there was more to it (i got sorta mad at how she and my pop didn’t believe me when i told them statistics) x
Rishauna: those are good q’s re: alcohol n sex…the why’s and the fear of the slut thing
me: yea, those are good q’s. and deep ones. not often posed, i think.
Rishauna: yeah i think i kinda messed up..
i think i implied that by not being able to read consent when drunk was somehow understandable…i mean i said being drunk renders inability to consent….but i think i was too soft on it
(re:parents! ugh that sounds so frustrating! i hate when parents just dont understand!_)
Sent at 4:46 PM on Thursday
me: yea. well, you can always revisit the topic and clarify, after much thought. and you can say that you talked to your friends — it is really complicated in general, even for folks your age.
how do i copy this chat??
Rishauna: yeah! it is!
Rishauna is typing…

I Want It!

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9. Don’t Forget: You Can’t Have Sex with Someone Unless They Are Awake!

500_KateHYesterday, my Mom emailed me CNN’s article “Rape Victims Offer Advice to College Women” chock full of helpful tips about how we women can avoid being raped while attending college. The article highlights the study put forward by the Center for Public Integrity about rampant sexual assault on college campuses, and how most often schools fail the victims. The study reveals a lack of transparency on campus, and a culture of secrecy combined with barriers to reporting.

So we’ve moved beyond blaming the victim to blaming the institution? Sorry, folks, that’s just not good enough. I replied to my Mom’s email with:

THEY SHOULD BE TEACHING COLLEGE MEN NOT TO RAPE!

Nowhere did this widely circulating article mention preventing violence before it happens. How’s about a little prevention education for teen boys, prevention education for freshman boys, prevention education for football stars, prevention education for film students, prevention education for fratboys, prevention education for valedictorians, prevention education for nice Jewish boys, prevention education for student body presidents, or good old prevention education directed at those who initiate sexual activity and perpetrate non-consensual sex?

My Mom hearkened back to a bygone era captured in film:

In the Philadelphia Story with Katherine Hepburn, there is a marvelous scene:

Kate has gotten drunk the night before her wedding to husband #2 and gone swimming (with a suit on!) after midnight with a handsome reporter.  She is so drunk that he has to carry her to her room. At the time of the midnight swim Kate is being plagued by memory of being called cold and unfeeling, almost not human.

The handsome reporter tells the fiancé to simmer down, nothing happened. Kate explodes asking, “why am I so unattractive?”

Now the good part.  Handsome reporter replies, “you were drunk and there are rules about that!”

Somewhere we have forgotten the rules. Love MOM

*Sigh* Yup, but not all of us have forgotten the rules,  Men Can Stop Rape, PreventConnect, SAFER, White Ribbon, Byron Hurt and many more are working diligently to reach out and educate young men to end gender-based violence against women.

But until then, here are some handy tips GUARANTEED TO PREVENT SEXUAL ASSAULT, brought to you by the Feminist Law Professors:

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

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