That’s right, Oksana Grigorieva. That gold digging Russian woman with augmented breasts.

It started kinda slowly on twitter like:

I’m sure Oksana Grigorieva was hearing the theme song for “The Price is Right”

Golddigging is sad. Expectations of complacency are mental abuse in themselves. You can’t raise a child in that sort of relationship

How the hell is this woman NOT going off on Mel Gibson’s ass in these tapes?! That’s the most confusing part…

These Mel Gibson tapes are like nude photographs taken without permission. There oughta be a law.

Big, loud, fucking sigh over here.

To clarify, a woman who has been punched before by her spouse while holding her baby knows not to escalate a potentially violent situation. Stay calm, or risk another beating.

Thousands of women seek help from the system – only to be dismissed (remember this 911 call?), or to find that there are no more shelters (state of California). Oksana has a chance at justice because Mel Gibson is famous and some folks will want to see him stopped. She also had means, courage and money to consult with lawyers to learn her rights. She was probably advised that she needed to gather evidence to prove her case. Enough evidence to withstand the accusations that would inevitably be thrown at her, such as: dating a married man, dating a married rich man, dating a married, rich famous man, being a Russian woman, getting beaten, etc.

To answer the question, “how did she stay so calm?” Oksana needed to record Mel Gibson threatening her on tape. Audio/visual evidence is golden, and you will suppress fear, anger and emotions to get it. That does not make you a spy or a gold digger. This puts you in control in a potentially violent and life threatening situation.

Ample evidence that Mel Gibson abused her sparked these rumors from Fox News:

Sources connected to Gibson tell TMZ.com that they have proof that Grigorieva attempted to extort the actor, demanding more than $10 million in return for keeping the tapes secret.

Sounds like the whole Rihanna gave Chris Brown an STI spin to me.

Fact: Mel Gibson physically abused and verbally threatened Oksana Grigorieva. There are pictures and audio recordings that prove this. 

Everything else is just victim-blaming.

Hot Mess was described as a panel. Having served on a bunch of panels this year, I imagined a table, a discussion, moderators, a series of points to address, group participation and a friendly/feisty/constructive tone. Hot Mess had emailed me the list of potential discussion topics, and I would be part of the rape panel that they dubbed “consent aka ‘the line’”.  Again, flattery will get you everywhere, and using the title of my film to get at the issue, stroke- stroke – stroke.

Some of their “get ready” questions were off the charts problematic, but they followed them up with sound research into the complexity of consent, rape laws, and recent current events in the college sphere. You smart wonderful people on the internet had much to say when I posted the questions for debate in advance of the taping, and speaking from experience, Heather Corinna tweeted her warnings:

@thelinecampaign These are some really uneducated questions they’ve put to you.

@thelinecampaign Don’t suppose they consulted/included a sexuality educator/sexologist, eh?

@thelinecampaign It’s just you and then a bunch of COMEDIANS talking about all of this!? Sounds like they want a hot mess by design.

Things started to unravel when I logged into the live-stream and saw folks lounging on couches. Beaming in from Brooklyn, I went for  the “smart filmmaker” setting, and placed myself in my cluttered (creative?) looking office. Everyone was chatting on leather, I was drumming my fingers on my desktop high above from my plasma screen. I placed the call on Skype testing the sound, and realized there was a delay between sound and image. Gulp. I could hear and be heard in real time, but had to guess who was speaking in the room and when/if if the cameras were going to cut to me.

Can anyone hear me?

Is this thing on?

Remember that Metallica video?

That was me. Alert, aware, but not being heard.

I was told that the 30 second trailer of my film would be used to “kick off” the conversation and we’d go around one by one, with some guidance from the moderator, and discuss the multidimensional and complicated topic of rape. We’d use smart, snarky analysis of a real – not imagined, not whined about, not exaggerated, not falsely claimed- problem.

Instead, egged on by the producer, participants – not the moderators – were encouraged to take what they saw in the trailer and the one sentence synopsis of my rape (she consented to vaginal sex, and then was raped anally) and debate. It didn’t occur to me that a producer would structure a conversation around my film when no one had seen it, nor was it ever articulated that my body parts and my rape would be at the center of this debate.

One comedian played the hard-ass role throwing out phrases like: “play the victim,” “you didn’t say no,” “take responsibility,”, “put yourself in that situation”- and all manner of victim-blaming crap, none of which I haven’t heard before. Choosing to go public with my rape seven years ago, opened the door to all kinds of criticism of my person and of my right to come forward and call out the behavior. People questioned whether or not my experience “counts” as rape, and my personal favorite, whether or not my rape was “bad enough.” In what I call “the hater montage,” I include these presumptions in the film, to highlight and challenge rape myths. It works because its part of a larger, structured story and argument, unlike being broadsided for an imagined audience’s entertainment.

Moderators Jessica and Anna did their best to shut it down by cutting in and correcting rape apologists, but the monkeys flinging shit had been let out of their cage. Here are my freakouts on twitter:

Ok, the room has officially exploded, and I’m not being given the opportunity to speak. At all. Nor has anyone in the room seen my film.

Woah – this is surreal. They are fiercely debating my story – and rape – and responsibility – w/out my fucking voice

WOW – someone just said, unless you kick the ass of the man trying to #rape you, or pull out a gun, you’re not being raped

“You are raped bc you’re unlucky enough to be in the presence of a rapist” – @jessicavalenti (thank you, darling)

Oh, and note to self: Don’t ever debate YOUR #rape on skype when everyone else is in a room, and you’re cutting in and out. TECH FAIL

OMG – we are done. Would you ever want to have #sex w/someone who called your ass “a dirt button”? Gross.

Sisterhood was not alive in that L.A. studio. The gals making Hot Mess thought smart, “sexy” debate meant humiliating their guests, taking cues from Bill O’Reilly, Howard Stern and any right wing talk show pundit with a penis. I am fine with outrage, but — it has to be constructive. Amping people up to be haters for no reason other than to hate or get attention is fucked up. Maybe the bigger question is how do we ever talk about rape in the context of pop entertainment? What are the rules? What do we want to get out of it?” If they’re going for the Jezebel and Feministing audience, those of us weaned on bitchy, smart, funny content that critiques sexism, rape myths and misogyny, being an asshole to be “provocative” isn’t going to cut it. Its just not that interesting.

My experience in the hot seat of Hot Mess reminded me – like a slap in the face- a few basic media principles. As a filmmaker and producer, respect your subjects. They are not objects or props to be used or humiliated. Honor them. And as a subject and author of your life, remember – your story is your story. It is sacred, precious and individually yours. Find and maintain your boundaries about how and with whom you share your story. Call the shots and don’t forget you’re in control.

So yea, if you’re trying to make “feminist” TV, and you’re going to tackle big important lady topics like rape, to quote Jon Stewart, “I’m not going to be your monkey.”

Prostitution is a pretty vexed issue among feminists, but maybe it shouldn’t be — as Thierry Schaffauser points out in the Guardian, many freedoms sex workers need for their jobs are the same rights that all women deserve.

Schaffauser makes the broader point that “the ‘whore stigma’ is a way to control women and to limit their autonomy – whether it is economic, sexual, professional, or simply freedom of movement,” and then gets into specifics:

Women are brought up to think of sex workers as “bad women”. It prevents them from copying and taking advantage of the freedoms sex workers fight for, like the occupation of nocturnal and public spaces, or how to impose a sexual contract in which conditions have to be negotiated and respected.

Of course, not all women are raised to morally judge sex workers. But Schaffauser’s points about public spaces and sexual contracts are spot-on. Too often, women are told not to walk alone, especially at night or while scantily clad. But sex workers often do all these things as part of their jobs — and they still deserve freedom from sexual assault. Unfortunately, the fact that being in public spaces alone at night is something stigmatized groups — not just sex workers, but also those who can’t afford transportation or happen to live in the kind of dangerous neighborhoods middle-class people get told not to walk through — have to do makes it harder to claim this simple freedom as a right for everyone.

Nancy Schwartzman’s The Line actually addresses Schauffauser’s second point directly. When Schwartzman visits a brothel to talk to the prostitutes there about her assault, they tell her that they consent to specific acts with clients beforehand, and that consent to one sexual behavior does not imply consent to anything else. The idea of sex as an agreement between two (or more) people, rather than something one person does to another, deserves widespread embrace whether or not the sex is paid for.

Sex workers do all the things women are told not to do — going out at night, wearing “sexy” clothing, talking openly and assertively about sex, sleeping with multiple partners. These behaviors — and sex workers themselves — are likely stigmatized in part to keep women from gaining too much control over their sexuality. But all women deserve such control — and supporting sex workers’ rights may be one way to achieve it.

Whorephobia Affects All Women [Guardian]

Earlier: The Line: When Rape Victims Aren’t “Perfect”

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.

Part of the Media That Matters Film Festival today:

Change-on-the-Go: React + Release Social Issue Media
1:30 – 2:45 p.m.

What does it mean to be a fast-acting filmmaker when it comes to social change media? Do you sacrifice craft to enact change quickly? And how do you mobilize resources to capture a story before it’s too late? Join Lina Srivistava (Principal of Lina Srivastava Consulting, LLC, former ED of Kids with Cameras) for an interactive discussion about the challenges and benefits of 1) creating fast and furious media campaigns and 2) reacting quickly to stories then produced as longitudinal documentaries. Zach Niles, a visiting faculty member from Haiti’s Ciné Institute, will share lessons learned from the organization’s recent experience of creating documentary content in response to the earthquake. We’ll also tackle the question of how to provide opportunities for quick and substantive action for audiences.

Sean Gardner, League of Young Voters
Zach Niles, Ciné Institute and co-director of Sierre Leone Refugee All-Stars
Tia Lessin, director of “Trouble the Water” Academy Award Nominee, 2009, Sundance Grand Jury Prize
Nancy Schwartzman, director of The Line

A student of the fabulous Shira Tarrant at Cal State University, Long Beach who also came out to my screening in April. Congratulations, Feminist!

Flying Broom kicked off its 13th year with an elaborately staged feminist (?) version of Macbeth. Much of this was lost on me, but I was transfixed by the smoke, and the actresses moving around the stage and the unapologetically political opening speech. The festival creator decried the stereotype of “woman as evil” in society. The festival coordinators Bilge Taş and Irina Inostroza were fantastic. Some tweets collected from the event:

Flying Broom opened w/famous actors playing Macbeth and three witches subverting the plot. Live drums. Capes. Brooms. #weird

Director of Flying Broom gave speech about FGM, sexuality rights, political oppression, sexism, & freedom. Not your usual thank u blah blah

Abortion is legal, available and a non-political issue in Turkey *shh we don’t want to jinx it. Its just there, available & not an issue

Flying Broom gourmet Buffet: cheese puffs, cucumbers, yogurt/dill, lamb meatballs, chick pea salad, bread. #heaven

The theme of the festival was “Bad Women in Cinema” with a focus on “Evil”. The filmmakers would continue to ponder the theme throughout the festival. Were they talking about the evils inflicted on women in the name of tradition, culture, patriarchy and religion? Sure seemed that way from the films that were selected. Or did they mean, that we women were evil, according to society? And whose society? I prefer to think of us as “bad-ass” not “bad” women in cinema, riding broom sticks and kicking up our heels.

These bad-ass women included German, Swiss, Dutch and Turkish film directors, academics, cultural presenters and activists, including the wonderful @ClinicEscort who took amazing pictures. We spent the days watching films, drinking beers and wine, discussing international feminism, the German film system v. the American system, dating Turkish men when you’re a feminist Turkish woman, and what films scandalized the Turkish right-wing papers, mainly Baise-Moi.  To make sweeping generalizations: Turkish feminists are incredibly brave and German women are fierce and assertive. A great crowd.

My screening was advertised as “Body Politics” and the translation of the title was “One-night Stand”. We had a full house with 90 minutes of questions, answers, and sometimes 4-part statements. The room was filled with secular men an women, and Muge was my fearless, concise, clear, and skilled translator. It was exhilarating to share the film with such a passionate audience, to out myself as a Jew, a slut, a rape survivor, all of it. In all, during the film, the audience was quiet, no laughter, really, but an audible murmur went through the crowd here, especially when he said: “I’m not trying to put the blame on you, don’t misunderstand me.”

Some questions from the audience:

How do you think about women in the East (Turkey, Jerusalem) who are considered “precious”, so they are covered, but also oppressed, versus women in the West (USA, Europe) considered “free”, so they are liberated, but treated as commodities?

Do you have good sex w/your husband?

How do you think pornography factors into “rape culture”?

Can you describe the physical repercussions of the assault?

That last question made people go nuts. I took it at face value that the man who asked the question was curious about the physicality of what happened. Fair enough. I answered. A woman lept to her feet arguing that he was a “wanker” for asking (poor Muge had to translate the term “wanker”). I countered that the movie is clear and detailed, and I’ll accept it as an innocent question. Turns out, 1. he’s a jerk, the women know him from other events 2. by asking me that question, in that room, in front of the group, he was being pornographic and purposely offensive.

Fascinating, because his question in that context seemed alright, but in my language I would have been more skilled at sniffing out who/why/how that person was asking. Made me wonder if my film is pornographic? I detail sex acts, I film girls at Spring Break? If Baise-Moi had the Turkish press up in arms, why was mine ok?

The Turkish audience was not shy!  They love to talk, debate and argue, felt right at home. I was chided in ways for being too inclusive in the way I answered questions. I try to acknowledge people’s biases around rape and help them along, while a member of the radical feminist organization would have preferred if we had excluded men from the conversation. Throughout the dialogue, I was clear in any discussion of “culture” or “tradition” as a means to excuse behavior, that no matter how violent, sexist, traditional and/or misogynist the culture you come from, each person does make a choice to rape or not to rape, to listen or not to listen, to violate or to respect. Sexual violation is incredibly complex and very simple.  Clearly something we could have kept discussing.

Other amazing films presented:

The Day I Became A Woman, Marzieh Makhmalbaf, (2000) Iran – loved this, beautiful, haunting story of three Iranian women at different stages of their lives. Incredibly moving, with incredible images.

Te doy Mis Oyos, or Take My Eyes, Iciar Bollain, (2003) Spain – I’m going to have to agree with Manohla Dargis here. A sometimes chilling film about a domestic violence set in Spain, but muddled by over-acting and  irresponsible writing. Because we know so little about the protagonist, her psycho-sexual dynamic w/her abuser doesn’t make sense, and confirms the myth that “she likes it”. Considering this story from Spain, possibly did more harm than good.

The Jungle Radio, Susanne Jaeger, (2009) Germany- In heart of rural Nicaragua, deep in the jungle, Yamileth Chavarria has founded a citizens’ radio station with a unique mission: the fight against the all-prevalent domestic violence.  The endemic levels of violence, corruption and sexism women in the village faced was overwhelming, makes our online debates about feminisms seem pretty luxurious. I loved the film and the incredible protagonist, Yamileth Chavarria – everyone should know about her work. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Close to You, Almut Getto, (2008) Germany – quirky, polished and sophisticated comedy and love story between dysfunctional German man and blind cello player, featuring a tortoise. It was a breathe of fresh air among all of our heavy, intense films. Almut’s first feature Do Fish Do It apparently had more sex and feminist themes, and I’d very much like to see it. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Turkish Films:
Tulay German: Year of Fire and Cinders, (2010) Turkey, Didem Pekun & Baris Dogrusoz- personal documentary about the singer Tulay German and the director. Tülay German was born in 1935 to a rather privileged family. Her choice of career and a relationship with a leftist contradicted the wishes of her parents and their relationship suffered infinitely as a consequence. Taken from the singer’s autobiography: ‘The Black Box of The Plane Which Never Crashed’. Beautiful music – and fantastic archival footage. *present at festival, official drinking partner.

Men on the Bridge, Azli Olge (2009) Turkey -tells the story about the young generation who lives in the suburbs of Istanbul and come to the center of the city, the Bosphorus Bridge, to make a living. The film is a hybrid documentary/narrative, based on real people and characters, but scripted and acted by non-actors. Great film about class, politics, poverty, assimilation, a real window into the lives of people in Istanbul.

Films I didn’t see by fabulous women I had drinks with:

Winter Silence, Sonja Wyss (2009) Holland -experimental narrative film about a widow and her four daughters set in a snowy Swiss landscape. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

Shortcut to Justice, Sybille Fezer & Daniel Burkholz (2009) Germany – women in rural India take justice into their own hands and start their own courts to serve the community, especially the women. Sybille is a first-time filmmaker taking her skills and experience working for women’s justice and health  at various NGOs and translating into film. *present at festival, official drinking and exploring partner.

This came from a screening of THE LINE at M.I.T.. I would phrase it as a question, and I often asked myself the same thing. When I was filming at the Bunny Ranch I had the same feeling – women negotiate while sober, with the lights on in a room with a safe button, if someone acts out, they are thrown out, and there are thirty women in heels who have your back if a man crosses the line. This isn’t a frat house where your drink is drugged, or bar where men block the door so friends can’t check up on each other. This is a brothel with cut and dry rules. The Bunny Ranch is a very specific place with its own set of challenges, limitations and problems, but it does give you pause.

If you’re not a big enough girl to have sex with me, you’re not big enough to do the screen test. I must sleep with every actress that I work with, that’s how I get to know them, how I mould them.

According to her testimony, Roman Polanski used these words against 16 year-old Charlotte Lewis in his Parisian apartment while she was auditioning for his film “Pirates”. This was her “pre-screen” test, to get her ready for the part.

This is coercion, manipulation, and force of a young woman.

It is also unprofessional!

So by his own admission, the fabulously talented Roman Polanski has to have sex with his actors to direct them successfully? Woody Allen may agree with these tactics, but would Clint Eastwood? Orson Welles? Kathryn Bigelow?

What if Catherine Hardwicke took the Roman Polanski approach to directing when filming Evan Rachel Wood in “Thirteen”? She would be locked up in jail and we’d throw away the key. We would call it child abuse.

Deborah Kampmeier directed and wrote the film “Hounddog,” starring Dakota Fanning who plays a young girl who is raped. A week after the film’s premiere MSNBC wrote:

Even before the first screening this week of “Hounddog” at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, a Christian film critic, citing Fanning’s age, decried the movie as child abuse, and Roman Catholic activist Bill Donohue called for a federal investigation.

So a film about rape is child abuse, but child abusers should be left alone to make films, sometimes with the girls they’ve abused?

I applaud Charlotte Lewis for coming forward. Her stance isn’t popular, and she’s already being shamed for it. Who really wants to speak out against all these people? Who really wants to throw a monkey wrench into the Polanski we love and support you at all costs party?

What is it about Roman Polanski that we so fiercely want to protect? His right to rape teen age girls and then play the victim? Or does the film community not want to give up the unique privilege of “the director” – he who has access to beautiful, young and vulnerable subjects to mold, control and rape in whatever way he sees fit?