The Y Factor: Getting Men Involved in the Movement to End Rape
Men Can Stop Rape poster via TCADSV.
Here’s a scenario: I’m out to dinner with a group of sophisticated, professional-type couples. Someone asks me what I do and everyone politely pauses to listen to my response. I respond that I’m a rape crisis intervention counselor and advocate for rape victim’s rights, and I can literally watch 50% of the group turn off, click, and nonchalantly start to chat amongst themselves about something else. Meanwhile, the rest of the table will either make sympathetic sounds, perplexedly question why I would choose to “spend my time doing that,” or get wide-eyed and stare at me like I’ve cornered them and they’re planning an exit strategy.
The second group is usually comprised of the women. The first group – the group of people that seems to think the topic of rape is irrelevant to their lives – consists of men.
By and large, rape prevention education is targeted towards girls and women, implying that rape is a “woman’s issue” and therefore, of no concern for boys. This strategy has the damaging auxiliary effects of: 1) promoting the antiquated and dangerous belief that a woman is solely responsible for putting on the breaks during sexual activity, 2) communicating to boys and men that they need not concern themselves with such frivolous matters as consent, mutual fulfillment or sexual autonomy, and 3) thereby condoning sexual violence because, you know, boys will be boys.
What we need is a more holistic and comprehensive strategy to end rape. And it starts with men speaking out and stepping up. To be clear, I’m not suggesting paternalism- I’m talking about being a decent person and not letting your buddies step out of line. A groundbreaking study by psychologists David Lisak and Paul Miller provides a lot of compelling reasons as to why this is necessary.
Lisak and Miller interviewed almost 2,000 male college students about their sexual behavior, hoping to gain some insight into the frequency of rape. They found that, out of the men interviewed, only about 6% admitted to raping. But out of those men, about 76% admitted to repeatedly raping at an average of about 6 rapes per person. And 4% of the men surveyed committed over 400 rapes and over 1,000 violent acts between them.
So what we have here is a very small group of the population that commits the vast majority of rapes and otherwise violent acts against intimate partners (ie, slapping or choking). But the most significant finding is that most rapists are serial rapists. What this means for men is that, if you think that someone has done it once, chances are that person will do it again – and again, and again. If we can get past blaming the victim or pretending that it’s none of your business or that it’s just a matter of good guys making bad decisions, and if we can really focus on the fact that men who rape are criminals and predators, I think that our society can stop rape.
Amazingly, the research also suggests that men who rape don’t think that what they’re doing is rape. When the men surveyed were asked questions like, “Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they did not want to, because they were too intoxicated (on alcohol or drugs) to resist your sexual advances,” they’d answer “yes” as long as the word “rape” wasn’t in there. Lisak spoke to CBS News about his 20 years worth of interviews:
“A lot of these men, especially the serial rapists, are very, very narcissistic, there is nothing they enjoy more than to sit down in a room with a guy like me and impress me with all their sexual exploits. And that’s how they view them.”
Rape doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It is perpetuated, justified and promoted by a culture that rejects the idea of women’s humanity. Every time you encourage or sit silently through a story about some “sexual exploit,” you’re contributing to this culture at the expense of women everywhere. Rape will not stop until we successfully teach our men that the systematic abuse and denigration of women is not a necessary, joyful component of manhood.
And who can deliver that message better than men themselves?
Tags: activism, college, communication, men, power, rape, respect, sex
Nicely done! I couldn’t agree more. Men have allowed the social definition of masculinity to keep us in check. Many of us feel as though we will be considered less of a man, or we will be harshly judged by other men (and even women), if we don’t keep up the hyper-masculine, hyper-sexual masquerade. We’ve learned that speaking out against sexual violence or speaking up for the rights of women is not a “manly” thing to do. That has to stop! Sexual violence is not a woman’s issue. It is a people issue. We all have a stake in that and it is our collective responsibility to create a culture where sexual violence is no longer an option.
Also – we should all seek active, enthusiastic consent for sex…period. Not just yeah, but HELL YEAH! It does not matter if you are looking for a one night stand or a long term, committed relationship you have to know that your partner is 100% on board. That way there is no confusion. PLUS…the sex is a hell of a lot better when both partners are really into it! A critical part of that is teaching our children, particularly our boys, that sex is about quality…not quantity.
What is wrong with you? “Rape will not stop until we successfully teach our men that the systematic abuse and denigration of women is not a necessary, joyful component of manhood.”?!?
Your closing statement both separates and reinforces said behavior!
This statement “teach our men” is one of the most damaging statement that I have read then to reinforce it by saying that this is a universally learned behavior is the main focal point of the separation of the sexes in the first place and to further confuse the readers by calling this learned behavior a role in our society. Balderdash!
Rape is wrong, there is absolutely no tolerable acceptance!
If the issue of women is power and control, take it back, take a self defense class, buy a knife or gun and learn how to use them. “It matters little if the man is twice as strong as the woman – he’s probably not twice as strong as her friends, Messrs. Smith and Wesson.”
Call your senator and congressmen and demand changes be made to the demoralizing advertising campaigns. Ask for mandatory self defense classes in our schools physical education programs.
The most powerful way to stop needless victimization is to not be a victim, take control of your own future and make a difference! Show your strength to all of our American daughters and inspire them as well as our sons to defend themselves and take control. Let’s try and be the unified country that once made us great.
From myself and all my male friends a promise to all women, if you cry out for help during a rape we will respond, with vigor, and do our best to stop the situation.
Lopuis, that’s some nicely dressed up victim blaming.
I guess I should’ve taken advantage of my second amendment rights and gotten a concealed carry permit. That probably would’ve prevented my rape. How could I have been such a pathetic victim?!
Also, while I’m glad you’ve pledged to be a heroic bystander, the evidence shows that most people aren’t as brave or altruistic as you are — studies and anecdotes alike show time and time again that, in an overwhelming majority of cases, bystanders do nothing.
And what of the cases when there are no bystanders? Most rapes are not committed by a stranger lunging at a woman on the streets and knocking her into an alleyway to brutalize her. They are committed in private bedrooms by acquaintances, relatives, and partners. Are you suggesting that women shoot their partners? Or that they should scream until the neighbors break down the door and remove the rapist?
Instead of advocating an escalation of violence and asking women to take responsibility for their own rapes, we really do need to involve men and educate them about consent and mutual pleasure, fulfillment, and respect both in the bedroom and out.
Ted, thank you for your thoughtful comment and your important work at Responsible Men! I’m a great admirer of your organization, and I think you’re doing wonderful things for the anti-rape movement. I’m applying at UT Austin for social work, so hopefully I’ll get to learn more about your work in TX soon!
Lopuis, thank you for completely missing the point. I’m sorry that my article confused you so much. If I understood what you were trying to say in that third paragraph of your comment, I might explain it to you. You did, however, make excellent use of the word “balderdash,” and for that I tip my hat to you, sir.
Please think very hard about why you reacted so violently to my suggestion that we teach men how to not assault women. Rape is, after all, a crime. It seems to me that a society ought to teach its citizens that criminal behavior is destructive, wrong and, um, that you shouldn’t do it. Please also think very hard about the fact that you think rape will stop if women just stop getting themselves raped. Aside from being one of the stupidest fallacies I’ve ever heard, I promise you that I really don’t wake up in the morning and decide whether or not I’ll get myself raped today.
But thank you for promising to rescue women from rapists when all those self defense classes and knives and guns fail. The next time I’m raped, I’ll be sure to do it with you around.
An excellent article again. It’s simultaneously encouraging and depressing that the 6% of men who actually commit rapes (God knows a number that is still staggeringly high) are the ones that commit the vast majority of rapes; from a public policy standpoint, then, to dramatically decrease the number of rapes, our efforts should be focused on rehabilitating them (presuming it is possible to do so…) and as well, incarcerating them (from a expressive, deterretive, and incapacitive view of justice). The devil, of course, is in the details when it comes to finding justice, but it’s useful to have data when it comes to figuring out solutions.
Thanks for commenting, Nate! Serial rapists actually comprise an even smaller percentage — 76% of men who rape, or about 4.5% of all men. Fortunately, public policy is beginning to catch up with new research on typographies of sex offenders. I haven’t read much about rehabilitation of sex offenders, but I know that recidivism rates for violent crimes tend to sky-rocket as a result of incarceration. Of course those policies are useful, but I think they should be combined with comprehensive rape prevention education beginning in adolescence, otherwise we’re just doing damage control.
This article was obviously written by an ignorant feminist. As a male that’s never raped a woman, I took offense to your “boys will be boys” comment as well as your assumption that unless you educate the male populous, rapes will continue. Sensible men know that rape is a bad thing. You don’t need to start a male education movement to explain why rape is bad. You can’t fix everything with a protest. Like murder, it happens in the animal kingdom as well. However unacceptable, it will continue to happen. I’ve never felt the need to rape someone to feel masculine. Save the sarcastic, passive-aggressive retort. Your heart is in the right place, but your head is up your ass.
Mr. Hands, our goal on this blog is to have a productive conversation – not provide a platform for name calling and general nasty behavior. That said, you make points that are shared by some sectors of the population that folks on this site may want to address.
“Sensible men know that rape is a bad thing” – not if these “sensible” (by whose definition?) men don’t know the definition of rape, what is enthusiastic consent, what is a power dynamic, and what is coercion. Rape is not a stranger on a dark street.
“You don’t need to start a male education movement to explain why rape is bad” – really? Why not? What could possibly be the harm in educating young men about sexism and gender-based violence? Our allies at Men Can Stop Rape, White Ribbon, and CALCASA would surely disagree.
“However unacceptable, it will continue to happen” – perhaps, but we’d like to envision a world where it doesn’t happen, and when it does, it happens less frequently, and is taken seriously, instead of being dismissed as a silly idea that we should just give up on.
That’s the work. We’re here to do it.
Oh hi there, Mr. Hands. I’m guessing that you only read as far as “boys will be boys” – which, by the way, was facetious – so I’m going to politely suggest that you come back when you finish reading the article.
I appreciate the fact that “sensible men” such as yourself don’t “feel the need to rape someone” (gee, thanks), but the fact of the matter is that about 6% of men do rape. And your only solution to this social problem is to ignore it. You say that rape is natural and therefore justifiable, but men are not wild, insatiable beasts living in “the animal kingdom.” Men are civilized, intelligent, sentient beings capable of empathy, and I hope you can see how suggesting otherwise is an insult to your sex.
You say rape is “a bad thing,” “bad” and “unacceptable” (very astute, by the way), then conclude that it’s natural, inevitable and irreparable. That’s interesting because plenty of people said the same thing about slavery in America three centuries ago. But I don’t subscribe to the belief that systematic violence against women is an inevitable fact of life. I will not accept that, ever. And I don’t care how much you laud yourself for being a good, non-raping male; your blatant complacency in the face of widespread sexual violence is repugnant.
I won’t address the bizarre, ill-conceived personal attacks in your comment except to speculate that you wrote them from your parent’s basement. Good day.
Mr. Hands, why do you think that rape is inevitable? If the majority of men don’t do it, then clearly it’s an aberrant behavior and can be stopped. Other studies, such as those by Alan Berkowitz, show that the vast majority of men DO recognize behaviors like rape as problematic, but don’t do or say anything because it’s been normalized in society. So if we want rapes to stop–and I know I don’t want any of the women in my life I care about to be raped–then I have a responsibility to challenge rape and other sexist behaviors where I see them.
To that end, I have to say that your “ignorant feminists” statement is pretty sexist, and out of line, as is your comment out the writer having her head up her ass. Why don’t you try to engage on a level of argument instead of name-calling? It’s great that you don’t rape and don’t think others should either, but that’s not enough for any of us.
Thanks, Joe. You clear up important misconceptions that “Mr. Hands” expresses. Unfortunately, he’s not alone but there’s always room for education and accurate information. “M.H.” (and others) often have these misconceptions about sexual assault. Miranda’s excellent post provides an important corrective to the misinformation out there. Better understanding means better sexual assault prevention. Oh, and check yourself with the name-calling, Mr. Hands. Not necessary. @Lopuis, I appreciate your vigor, but I prefer prevention.
Miranda I always enjoy your writing, and this post was just above and beyond! As far as the nasty comments go from @mr.hands and @lopuisarcher this website and movement is about challenging society’s standards and norms regarding female sexuality and assault. This is not about name calling or trying to “blame” men it is about trying to improve the lives of EVERYONE through education and awareness. Also, let me point out that two men trying to put “the little ladies in their place and let them know what’s what” is not going to make us give up the website or our work!
Small wonder that these guys who attack the post are more interested in admonishing the victims than in actually learning how to prevent it.