Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Relationships

Photo via Robert Vitulano on Flickr.

From time to time I like to browse on Cosmopolitan’s online website for various reasons. The other night I came upon an article about breaking the cycles of toxic relationships:

“We were shocked when we heard that the first guy Rihanna seriously dated after Chris Brown had been accused of domestic abuse by an ex-girlfriend. After everything she went through, it would seem as if she’d be repulsed by men with that kind of reputation.

Turns out, the opposite is more likely to be true. “Most of us have a relationship pattern — that same type of guy we keep falling for — and it can work for or against us,” says couples therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men. “It’s not uncommon for women to keep going back to the type that wronged them in the past.” How do you change whom you’re drawn to dating? It’s not easy, but it starts with figuring out where your attraction to these guys came from in the first place. …

All guys have less-than-admirable moments, but there are major tip-offs that your type is bad for you. Consistently feeling worse about yourself as you become more involved with a boyfriend is a giveaway that something isn’t right, says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Love in 90 Days. Other red flags: feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around a guy and dropping everything to spend time with him even though he’s proven he wouldn’t do the same for you. And while only you know what your relationships are really like, pay attention if your friends and family disapprove of every man you date, says Gratch.

To alter whom you’re attracted to, you need to believe that what you’ve experienced isn’t how love has to or should be, says Dunn. Ask friends who are happy in their relationships to describe how their guy behaves toward them so you can hear what you’re missing out on. Or if you’re coming off yet another bad breakup, consider seeing a therapist to make peace with the guy who originally wronged you, recommends Kirschner. For extra motivation, picture what your life could be like in 10 years if you’re still choosing men who treat you badly versus men who will care for you in a positive way. Which future do you want?”

After reading this article, I immediately thought about the recent discussions about the “Love the Way you Lie” video by Eminem and Rihanna. I, like Melissa D., was not completely shocked and appalled by the video. Growing up, I have seen many men abuse the women in their lives: my uncle went to jail for physically hurting his wife, and as his children grew up, many of them followed the same path. The oldest of the bunch went to prison for robbery and attempted murder, while the others either became pregnant or developed substance addictions.

I was always taught by my family that if you choose to defend yourself in any situation, you must be able to deal with the consequences- regardless if it led to any physical violence. My brother had a drug addiction and his mood would change constantly- while under the influence, he would often pick fights with me, and I was always the headstrong type, so I naturally argued back with him. He would hurt me, but my parents chose to ignore it because they believed in keeping family issues private and felt I should be obedient, as a woman. I chose to keep my mouth shut instead of speaking up, from that time on.

Looking back at my high school years, I realized that in every relationship that I was in, I always tried to please my partner regardless of their choices and preferences. I always felt immediate attraction to those who were sweet and nice, but when I began a relationship with them, I began to see the negative. (However, I still believed that the “sweet and nice” guy would somehow appear again.)

This article is right in asking, “what future do you want?” We must picture the women we want to be and strive for it. Having a relationship is a beautiful experience, but you must be able to see yourself without anyone else: to have a strong relationship, you must strive to be strong, and always prioritize your health and happiness above all else.

Tags: communication, men, respect, sex, women