He Crossed Her Line- What Can I Do?
I chose the above response from Hunter College because it explains where my line falls, too: without respect, how can there be anything else? I believe that if someone doesn’t respect me enough to ask about my boundaries, they’re not worth my time.
And I know that conviction may seem simple, but it’s not.
The other day, my friend told me she was in bed with a guy and he crossed her line. Then she told me they were “both to blame,” and she “accepted his apology.” I was surprised that she accepted his apology (and to think- he apologized via text message!) with such ease. Did I hear her right? She said he was her friend and it was stupid. A friend? How could he disrespect her boundaries like that? I still feel guilty that I sat silently when she told me this, but I didn’t want to push the issue.
I don’t know how I can best talk to my friend about this openly and honestly. What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to tell her not to forgive him? Should I tell her straight-up that it wasn’t okay for him to cross her line? I’m nervous she would get mad at me, and that she’ll think I’m making a big deal out of “nothing.” I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t want to be patronizing, and I didn’t want to lecture her- but I also want her to know that I care about her, and that it is something she deserves more than a text about.
I feel strongly about this, and I’m disappointed in myself for not having said anything yet. I want my friend to be with someone who respects her, and I want her to know that. So how can I talk to her about this without stressing her out or upsetting her?
Tags: communication, consent, feminism, sex, women
Hi, Liz.
So I have a lot of experience with this in every avenue of my life, and since you solicited advice, I can talk about what has worked for me, and with me. but your instincts are more important than any advice.
I think that listening is a really great place to start, and using all “I” statements – you’re off to a great start with these (I changed the “her”s to “you”s): “I didn’t say anything to you because I didn’t want to be patronizing, and I didn’t want to lecture you – but I also want you to know that I care about you, and that it is something you deserve more than a text about. I feel strongly about this, and I’m disappointed in myself for not having said anything yet to you. I want you to be with someone who respects you, and I want you to know that.” As soon as you turn to “you,” and especially “you should,” then this delicate conversation can become stressful.
Maybe it’s a small series of conversations with your friend, too, rather than one big event that can be threatening and add to her stress. Give her notice that you want to have it, and make sure the time and place is safe for both of you, even if it’s not super formal. As you listen, you’ll likely hear her test some of her own assumptions. and that could be a lovely place to remind her that she has the right to decide who does what to her own body, just in case she forgot.
I see some deep breathing in your future, too, ‘cuz she also has the right to accept or reject his apology. and she has the right to preserve or relinquish the friendship as well.
Good professional for her to sort all this out might be cool – most colleges have great student counseling services that can be amazing resources for some short term stuff like this (I DEF used my free college services).
just some thoughts – you’ll be great, you’re trying to be a wonderful friend, and we should all be so lucky.
phred
I’m with Phred!
shucks, Shira! Thanks. Liz, I look forward to hearing more about what is working out for you. that’s a hard situation.
Thanks so much for the advice!
I felt bad that I did not saying anything at the time, but I’m glad I waited a week and asked for some help before approaching my friend.
Check this link from Scarleten…
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/my_best_friend_was_raped_what_can_i_do_for_her
I’m with phred too!
In particular, Liz, I agree that your friend has the right to accept or reject the offender’s apology. What I have learned from restorative justice work around sexual violence is that an apology from an offender, even one that is somewhat insincere, can create a healing experience for a survivor. So, if the point is to create the best outcomes for your friend, then accepting the apology is not a bad thing. The thing that is missing is accountability. The pursuit of accountability is often traumatizing, however, and I respect your friend’s choice if she does not what to go there.
Like phred, however, I am concerned that your friend is blaming herself along with the offender. If her choice to not pursue accountability is based in of self-blame, then I hope you can have the “small series of conversations” with her that phred recommends.
I finally mustered up the courage to say something.
She was happy I did, because she had been trying not to think about it. She had been partially blaming herself, by saying, “oh I let him come home with me” and “but he’s not like that, it was really out of character.”
I reassured her this is NOT her fault and she does NOT have to forgive him.
She isn’t “with” him and never was, but she decided to forgive him and they are still going to be friends.
I told her that he should feel REALLY lucky that she forgave him at all.