Trust: yes, because it is you
Trust is a sensitive matter for relationships, especially when they involve sexual intimacy. The physical and psychological vulnerability that comes with letting someone into your body is much more complicated than letting someone into your home.
In my life this issue is made more complicated by a disjunction between my relationship orientation and my primary partner’s. I am polyamorous and kinky; Hyacinth is monogamous and establishing her sexual limits. In 75 days we will be married. We are still, and probably will always be, negotiating what that means.
After reading “Am I empowered, degraded, or both?” we discussed at dinner that night what consent means. At the base we have the same view: there are actions that we consent to allow, there are people that we consent to trust. To a certain degree we each, and consequently the relationship, are constrained by how deep we consent to trust each other.
Our relationship started 10 years ago, in college. After not seeing each other for six years we reconnected. On our third date Hyacinth confided, “I’m not going to let you get away this time.” I asked her how she feels about monogamy. Hyacinth told me that she couldn’t handle having more than one relationship. This was the first time that I shared my polyamorous orientation.
Now we have two major threads in our relationship: the emotional trust that allows us to have a healthy day-life and the physical trust that allows an adventurous nightlife. Our intimacy is hung on the intersection of these two types of trust, emotional and physical; either can lead to a breakdown in the other. When Hyacinth gives me the benefit of fulfilling her needs (reiteration of my love/dedication) and my own need (being true to my orientations) we both end up winning.
My task in this has been to show my love through the changing perspectives Hyacinth has about the difference between singularity and importance. I spend most of my emotional time with her establishing a context where love and obligation are different things. We work toward my love being timely tenderness and appropriate actions, rather than inactive presence.
Her part is owning her feelings and communicating her needs—giving me solid insight into which action best show my dedication. Hyacinth is often called to have faith in my commitment to her. By presenting her needs in terms of a stable love and hope for the future, she shows that her love is for our path, not our immediate context.
Frequently, our moments of pause come when Hyacinth needs an unexpected emotional recalibration or I introduce something new to our sex life. At these moments our success hinges on what I call “mutual attentiveness,” a state of showing your needs and accepting your partner’s clues. In her moments I gain ground by refocusing myself to opening up the part of my attention that Hyacinth asks for; she supports the process by acknowledging that my intent is loving–even when I say something the doesn’t fit right.
In my moments Hyacinth gains ground by being very responsive–giving me a clear “YES” when she is on board with me, and letting me know when she needs time. With every “yes,” the new experience moves further into territory that she enjoys. I help this process by immediately attending to her needs when things don’t come together well.
Our relationship’s real struggle is balancing discretion and openness in a way that meets Hyacinth’s need to feel both safe and involved. Although moving in together was not a surprise, it happened earlier than expected, and brought that struggle to the forefront. Soon after she moved in we had to discuss scheduling because I was supposed to have a date that week.
Hyacinth in her own words:
Before Cesar and I moved in together, I had been very uncomfortable hearing about the other people he was seeing, even as I accepted that they were a reality of our relationship. In the first days we lived together, I was forced to address that discomfort, as the result of his desire to schedule his date in the way that would be least likely to leave me feeling hurt by it. Despite knowing that this date didn’t threaten my relationship with him in the long-term, it nonetheless left me feeling like I’d been put on the sidelines during what was a very happy, but also very stressful, time when I needed his support.
Ultimately, I participated in my own activity that night, and set out to let my stress about his date fully process. When I came home, he told me that he’d been stood up, and later shared when she chose not to pursue any relationship with him. The latter was a surprising moment for us both. While their date was distressing for me at the time, and made clear that I needed to be more assertive with him about my boundaries, I was still sad to know that he had been dumped. At that moment, the unhappiness about my failure to articulate my own needs, and my hurt feelings over being put on the bench didn’t matter. Even on our hardest days he is my partner and teammate, and when another woman hurt him, it wasn’t any kind of victory for me, because it hurt my team.
As we each enact our love through apt handling of the other’s moments of pause, we deepen the trust that we have and bring to our moments. Over time we have reached the point where our relationship is unique—where trust can be a simple yes, because it is you. We still do, and likely always will, have moments that require explicit boundary talks, but sit-down negotiation is becoming an exception, rather than a rule.
Tags: independent, masculinity, pleasure, polyamory, power, respect, trust
This is Such a fantastic entry, it led me to think about so many issues, some of which include: my own (unspoken, non-negotiated) monogamous relationship, friends in non-sexual relationships, and polyamory in general.
“We work toward my love being timely tenderness and appropriate actions, rather than inactive presence.” I just finished working through what I believe is the purpose of Yes/Maybe/No lists, and feel like your point about how relationships have so much context and nuance is completely related to what feels non-intimate about “sit-down negotiation” or the act of creating a list in order to “force” consent.
I also am thinking about the ways that I have felt similarly to Hyacinth, not because I am with someone who is polyamorous (I’m not) but because love itself is delineated by so many different terms. There’s also the way that time and space factors into love. How should I handle the love that my partner clearly had or has for other individuals (romantic or not)? Does that love erode or just remain, and does love manifest itself differently when focused on a new person?
Anyway, looking forward to reading more from you!
Marilla – I think that real love is additive. When new love comes into the picture it piles on to the love that already exists.
With each new person that I open up to love I learn new ways to express and act upon my love. Ever love is different (familial, erotic, Person A, Person Z…) it is important that your partner know that they are special to you, that your love for them is indivisible, and most of all that they experience your love frequently.
I’m kind of torn by reading this post. On the one hand I appreciate its openness and showing the challenges of the poly/mono divide, and I appreciate the idea of “mutual attentiveness”.
On the other hand, the relationship you describe seems out of balance, like Hyacinth isn’t completely comfortable with the arrangement?
I’m just going by the words Hyacinth shares in the post, which include: “very uncomfortable”, “hurt” “threaten” “discomfort”, “stressful” and “put on the sidelines.” In a positive vein in the same passage she writes “together”, “desire” and “very happy.” The negative outweighs the positive.
The mutual attentiveness model (as a working model) in its current form seems to give non verbal communication an almost mystical power, which can be easily abused. That said, I wonder if not having “sit down negotiation” as much w/your partner as you get deeper, is a step in the right direction, or if things may get more imbalanced or tangled up once you get married?
Daniel, your observation is not wrong: there’s plenty about our relationship that is uncomfortable for me. The key, though, is remembering that there are uncomfortable moments in every relationship. Cesar has his own struggles in our process, and his own discomfort; this just happens to be an area where mine are more prominent. I’m strongly of the belief that discomfort has value, and lessons to teach us, if we choose to open ourselves to them.
It is definitely not the case that our ‘mutual attentiveness’ gives greater precedence to non-verbal communication, and it certainly does not mean that we do not negotiate. What it means to us is that we stay attuned to the signals that tell us check-in is needed. As we become more skilled at understanding what those signals are, it helps keep us on the right path.
The anecdote we chose to share was deeply uncomfortable to me, and I chose to share it in part for that reason. Not every bump in our road is as difficult, and some have been harder. This one has a happy ending: she is someone that I had interacted with occasionally before their date, and already liked, though I didn’t know that at the time. After this post was submitted, we saw her socially (with her own fiance). I left the interaction with much greater confidence in our relationship, and even a little compersion.
Interesting, I didn’t know the term “compersion” before.
I’m wondering for the poly folks out there and Hyacinth and Cesar, what advice you’d have for people who are in their late teens/college and hooking up left and right with multiple partners but without the communication. This defacto behavior, let’s call it “hook up culture” (which is loaded and problematic term), but it describes the noncommittal, multiple partner scene that leaves a lot of folks alienated and dissatisfied.
I hear while touring with the film that folks fear if they’re actually intimate, they’ll have to marry their fuck buddy, or if they communicate – not only will it “kill the mood” but they might also send signals that they want a relationship (eww) or be forced to limit themselves from messing around with other people, which no one in their 20′s seems to want to do.
In other words: what advice can you share with folks who may not even know poly exists, but may be skimming around the edges of it? What are some ways that non-poly identified folks play the field, have multiple partners and communicate and be respectful to their sexual partners?
Enlighten us!
There really isn’t any way around communication. It is a requirement for sustained healthy relationships.
You don’t ever have to become intimate with partners, but, if you don’t talk to your fuck buddies then you will burn the bridge and lose both parts of the relationship.
If you are engaging in a multi-partner system you need to be diligent about your health care. I personally chose testing 2x per year when I was inactive and 4x per year when I was active.
Having healthy non-committal relationships means letting go of attachment. Make sure that you bring your fuck buddy to things that they like as a person. The better you are at being a friend the longer your benefits will last and the more likely you will still be friends when your sexual relationship changes.
I think the best line that anyone in a relationship can learn is this: “What would make you happiest right now?” it almost always leads somewhere good if you say yes to them.
Great tip on getting tested. YES. Be responsible.
I think it takes maturity to be responsible, manage your attachments, and ask yourself what you really want, and take a moment to make sure you are pleasing your lover.