Dead her or deal?
After a disastrous evening with malt liquor, I spent the following day at my good friend Nella’s house in Queens. I’ve been friends with her for ten years, making her my oldest friend, and she lives in the neighborhood I spent my childhood. A little bit about Nella pictured above: she’s obsessed with the E! network, she loved “Party Monster“, takes photos of herself as a burlesque girl, and Sid Vicious is one of her idols. We haven’t hung out in a few months, but recently she texted me asking what to do regarding a certain situation with our mutual friend, B. Her text read:
If you woke up next to a naked girl in your bed and she was clothed before you went to sleep, and she left a pair of boots behind to see you again, would you? No, I didn’t have sex with her.
Didn’t think much of it, I mean, it was a text. I told her it wasn’t a big deal, just give the girl her boots. I blew it off and minimized it, because I didn’t know all the details. Nella left out a huge part of the story; that she woke up to B masturbating naked next to her the next morning! I’m all for masturbation and/or sleeping naked, but it’s really uncomfortable to wake up to strange moans and a not-so-familiar ass in your face. I don’t want to compare this to a rape – and although B didn’t touch Nella – it’s totally a violation.
At first I thought it was a violation of privacy but its more than that – it’s a violation of trust and boundaries! It’s really out of line. Its one thing if B had a crush on Nella and told her directly, that’s not a big deal, but to get naked and sexual next to her while she was sleeping? I thought maybe she had a problem controlling herself, but the way she acted afterward seems like she did it on purpose.
The night I stayed over, after splitting a joint with her parents and doing some serious catching-up, the doorbell started ringing. And it rang and rang and rang. B was at the door, with a box of chocolates to give to Nella. She wanted to go upstairs to “apologize”, but Nella’s brother Mikey wouldn’t let her. He returned her boots and closed the door. Now here’s where B crossed the line between redeeming herself and being a stalker: she forced her way back into the apartment!
B has been calling Nella non-stop for days, and leaving voice mails calling her a bitch and a bad friend for not talking to her. Because of all of this, Nella deactivated her Facebook account, took down all of her burlesque photos, and started a new account. I completely understand that Nella just wants to forget the entire situation and dead her, she doesn’t want to deal with B at all, but the other part of her wants it to end, and wants her to go away. I know they’re going to run into each other at some point and there needs to be some sort of closure or understanding. I think it sucks that Nella had to change her behavior because of B, but we’re not sure what to do.
Is this a “stalker” situation? How can she safely resolve this? Any tips?
needs to start by telling B:
1. to stop contacting her
2. that what she is doing is harassment
3. any further contact will be construed as stalking
4. she will take legal action if she needs to
meanwhile, nella should contact the police about both the naked masturbating and more importantly, about B forcing her way into her apartment. that could be grounds for a restraining order.
nella needs to be clear that B’s behavior is unacceptable, unwanted, and her advances will be refused.
if that doesn’t end it, she should take it as far as the law will allow, and be prepared to move or defend herself if necessary.
I agree with everything written above. Harassment and generally creepy behavior needs to be handled assertively. There’s little negotiating room for crazy.
it might be helpful to have some sort of community intervention. especially if nella would like to retain some sort of friendship with B or if there is a high likelihood of them running into one another. what about some community accountability actions? it seems that everyone involved were friends to some degree before the incident and if everyone wants to completely shut B out because of the recent behavior that is completely ok. it seems as though B will still be a part of the communities that nella travels within so it might be a good idea to have some mutual friends sit down with B and outline the inappropriate behavior and agree to some sort of protocol for the future and outline the consequences if the behavior continues.
i think that restraining orders often don’t work and while documenting the events taking place and reporting them to the police may be helpful if things escalate further a piece of paper isn’t necessarily going to change B’s behavior. statistically speaking most situations escalate when a restraining or protective order is issued and even getting one can be difficult, especially so in this case because both people identify as female. the court system isn’t great for recognizing same sex sexual harassment.
good luck!
You all raise great points -
I tend to agree w/ @Julie, and lean toward community engagement and intervention – especially because she is part of your extended social circle. Not only because I hesitate to involve the court system (who knows what they’d say about Nella’s sexy photos, past actions, etc.) but also because this could be resolved w/the help of friends and community.
What usually happens when survivors try and process an experience, they are told by their larger community that they are to blame, or it didn’t happen, or “it wasn’t that bad.” This could be a great opportunity to subvert this pattern, and with respect and empathy (and a mediator?) Nella could voice how she felt about the incident, and you could back her up – and then outline future best practices for B in the larger group. Nella can set her boundaries, and you can help make sure they are enforced.
As a friend, supporting Nella, maybe you can call the Anti-violence Project and check their “under 21″ section, and ask them about mediation/conflict resolution, or get some advice. http://www.avp.org/resources.htm
Nella first experience with B in her bed is certainly a violation of Nella’s trust and sense of safety, and almost certainly a crime of some sort in New York. Nella’s ongoing experience with B is undeniably stalking. The problem with a community mediation route is that B is likely to hear any sympathetic voice as supporting the legitimacy of her obsessive acts, especially if that sympathetic voice is Nella’s. I agree with tiffany that B needs to hear unequivocal condemnation of her initial and ongoing actions, with a firm demand that she stop. Afterwards, obsessive stalkers like B will often try to apologize and negotiate as a way to maintain contact, building up to more long-term stalking behavior.
B’s fix is the engagement with Nella (or whomever else she is obsessing over at the time), regardless of how violating or drama-filled that engagement is. That is also the problem with a restraining order. In order to get the restraining order, Nella would have to continue to engage B in many ways (court appearances, reporting violations, more court appearances, etc.). There is no certain way to get B to “move on” … but avoiding giving her the fix she is looking for (which is attention of any kind) is a good way to start.
Thanks everyone for the advice! I’ll past it on to Nella, who is currently overseas with her beau in Munich. I agree with not getting the police involved, and dealing with this issue directly without involving any “third-parties”.