Relax, I'm not a "ho"
Sunday was the premiere of MTV’s Sexting in America special, but I didn’t get to catch it until this morning due to not having cable, homework galore and a 24 hour stomach virus that snuck up on me yesterday.
While the special was interesting, well-made and featured a bevy of professional folk (an internet lawyer, anyone?), I was disappointed in MTV for not embracing teenagers and their emerging sexuality. I feel that adults are not comfortable with acknowledging the growing curiosity with sex amongst young people. That’s one of the biggest issues here, adults want to ignore – the fact that we are experimenting with sex. They assume that they know everything and want to protect us from irresponsibility, but they don’t realize that if they just spoke to us on a ‘real’ level, we would be more comfortable with what we did with our own bodies. And by adults, I mean ALL adults, not just your parents. Just like what Jaclyn Friedman says in her article, “When Sex is Normal, Normal People Will Talk About Sex“, instead of changing our persona “to conform to cultural norms,” we changed “the norms to conform” to our reality.
My generation is the technology generation; when I was thirteen, I registered for my first MySpace account. Everybody had one and altered their page to represent who they are (or who they wanted to be) through layouts, graphics, music, photos, etc. Your e-world revolved around comments, friend requests and number of hits your page received. You knew you had a hot photo when you received 10+ comments on it, and for a young teen, it was definitely a confidence booster. Showing off your abs, flexing your muscles or flaunting your curves was virtually accepted, and if people had a problem with it, then they were considered haters.
Of course, it’s not a smart decision to send a provocative photo of yourself to anyone, particularly an ex-boyfriend (you’re not going out with him for a reason), because it can end up being seen by e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. However, we shouldn’t start victim-blaming; with each sexting case I come across, the problem starts with the person receiving the text who ends up forwarding it to all his contacts. Then she gets blamed, and the entire school calls her a “slut”, “whore” and “ho.” Here is where the issue of GENDER ROLES come into play. If a guy showed his junk to the entire school, people wouldn’t be calling him a “ho” or a “slut”. They would mostly likely give him props and all the girls would be trying to get with him. But when Ally’s topless photo circulated around the school, she was getting bashed by everyone. One of the name-callers even appeared on the special, claiming that she wanted to fight her because Ally’s boobs appeared on her man’s phone and she was jealous. Girl, don’t you think you man has a collection of playboys under his bed that he peeps every so often?
Not being in high school makes everyone forget how important your reputation meant to you, but once you graduate you realize how pointless all that bullshit was. We should think about why we call a girl a “ho” and “slut” for doing exactly what everyone else is doing. That’s natural… its the shaming that isn’t.
Tags: activism, celebrity, communication, men, power, respect, sex, sexting, women
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by fancynancynyc: RT @thelinecampaign: “Relax, I’m not a ho” post by @ingridivanna http://bit.ly/dnORtH on #sexting featuring @a_thin_line, @jaclynf & teen sexuality. Checkit!…
this reminded me of the time this guy -let’s call him ken- totally whipped it out to my friend on the bus.(for the record: i heard it was not that impressive.) meanwhile, this girl he was sleeping with was called a whore when someone caught them having sex in the parking lot. yet he remained a hero through the whole thing.
i was really hoping things had changed for the better for girls in the last 15 years.
word,
by calling fellows girls ‘sluts’ and ‘hoes’ it makes it seem okay for men to do the same….
Hey @kangaroo, I totally agree.
What do all of these labels really mean? All through college I called myself a slut, to mean I was sexually active with multiple partners- and proud. No one was going to call me “slut” first, or twist it around to be negative, or make me feel bad about it. I was having fun.
Ingrid uses the word “ho” in quotes in the title, and I’m sure she’ll explain why…
Well said!
I agree — more adults need to stop angling for “don’t be sexual” and start offering real advice.
@kangaroo, I agree with you because by calling each other “sluts” it allows men to devalue us. I admit that when I was younger, I would badmouth other girls, because that’s what I was taught to think by society and the media. Then one day, I woke up and realized that I’m being sexist if I call other girls “sluts”. We can change the definition of slut to make us feel empowered (like what @Nancy said) in our sexual exploration. Also, what @kat was saying about “Ken” and his penis, it’s always okay for a man to come off sexually aggressive, but if a woman does it, she needs to be put in her place. Fuck that. My generation needs to be the generation that puts an end to the name-calling, but that most likely won’t happen but I got hope.
@sarah, thank you and word, adults need to stop fronting and become aware of the fact that teenagers are having sex. Instead of criticizing us, how bout having a real conversation so we know how to protect ourselves? My own parents have never given me a word of advice, except to not do “it”, which is funny because they know I spend most of my time with my boyfriend and we sleep in the same bed (which was an awkward struggle in my household). I guess living with their head sin the clouds makes them feel more comfortable than accepting the fact that I’m having sex and making sure I’m being safe…
I am a 21 year old male and I agree with this. Growing up I was mostly amoung women because my father and other male role models would always be working. I grew a great deal of respect towards women because of that and through high school and my college years I’ve seen this scenario happen all to often. If adults did confront us early an explain things towards us I believe both males and females would have a higher mature on sex
I spend a tremendous amount of time talking to youth about the power of language, specifically, use of the word “slut.” It has always been problematic for me because it is always about making a judgment (a negative judgment) about female sexuality. As my students have brainstormed, it’s a label created out of gossip, what a girl wears, what her body looks like, or what she says. I would love us to get to a place where we stop judging other women but rather allow them to make their own independent decisions, without fear of verbal (or physical) retribution. As for “sexting”, is it a surprise that teens will explore modern means of expressing their sexuality? Certainly not. But where we need to do more work is to give teens the tools to evaluate their relationships and how they use technology to connect with other people.
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Sexuality Educator
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
@LoganLevkoff
Hey Ingrid, thanks for checking out the special, your feedback and sparking this conversation. One of the principal goals of A THIN LINE is to get young people talking – and thinking – about how technology is changing the dynamics of youth relationships, and this thread is a great example of that in action. So I appreciate that. Now some thoughts and responses..
1/ Sexting in America is a 21 minute, 30 second news special that attempts to help define an emerging issue and illustrate the impact it’s having on teens. It never says “don’t sext,” it makes no value judgments about the issue (for more, see the intro graph here: http://www.athinline.org/facts/sexting), and it certainly makes no assertions about teen sexuality. It’s simply a jumping off point and one part of a broader, multi-year campaign built to empower young people to draw their own line between digital use and digital abuse.
2/ Sexting is part of our digital abuse campaign, but sexting isn’t abuse. What’s abusive is when pressure is applied and someone is coerced into sending a nude photo they don’t want to send. What’s abusive is when a photo that was meant to be private — and shared only with you, as a sign of trust or love or admiration — is forwarded along to others it wasn’t intended for. What’s abusive is when a digital (or physical) mob emerges to make someone’s life hell, because they shared a photo of themselves in their most natural state. What’s abusive is when a photo is forwarded along to countless others with utter disregard for that person’s feelings, emotional health or reputation.
All of these factors are present in Ally’s story. Nothing constructive would come from us pointing fingers at (blaming) those parties. Our audience can see how ill this is – we don’t need to spell it out. If anything, after watching Ally’s story, I’d guess (hope) that most viewers would feel a great deal of empathy for her. I’d hope that they’d put themselves in her shoes, and think about how shitty it would feel to be in that situation. And that they’d think twice about their course of action the next time they get a sext in their inbox. It’s true many of the people in Ally’s story blamed the victim — unfortunately, it’s all too common in these situations — but to assert that the *special* is “victim-blamey” is irresponsible.
3/ To say MTV doesn’t embrace teenagers and their emerging sexuality, or that we’re saying to teens “don’t be sexual” and not offering real advice, is short-sighted. To the contrary, we have a whole campaign that celebrates teen sexuality and offers info, tools and resources to help them make responsible decisions about their sex life. It’s called It’s Your Sex Life: http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/iysl/about. And the ethos of the campaign are laid bare right on that page: “Sex can be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. But whether or not you’re sexually active, there is information you should have to help you set your own boundaries and make your own choices about sexual activity.” This same spirit infuses A THIN LINE. It’s never “don’t sext.” It’s “if someone pressures you to send a revealing photo, you have the right to say no” (http://www.athinline.org/videos/2-public-nudity).
Further, to the point about emerging sexuality, it’s really ironic to see this charge leveled against us! For years we’ve fought against the charge that MTV glamorizes teen sexuality. The fact is that we simply reflect it. The teen/young adult sexuality on display in the Real World over the years, 16&Pregnant, True Life: I’m a Bisexual, True Life: I’m polyamorous, and yes, even Jersey Shore, is all valid. Sexting in America doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
4/ Back to the point about blaming the victim vs. blaming the perpetrators – i don’t see merit in either. Our sexting special isn’t going to reprogram society so it’s more equitable and gender roles are suddenly on an even keel. What it can do is spark a conversation, and help reinforce that if you don’t send the nude photo, you’ve completely inoculated yourself. It won’t get forwarded. A mob won’t form. Your high school experience — and college application — won’t be ruined (by sexting, anyway). No sex offender list. You can still be sexual in lots of other ways. But no matter how much you trust or love him/her, there is no such thing as “safe sexting.” It’s your call, but you should have the facts.
And that’s where I’ll close. I know it’s not anywhere near a perfect analogy, but we’ve been studying this issue (digital abuse, broadly) for over a year, and we see many parallels between sexual health in the early 80s and digital health in the late 00s / early 10s. In 1981, sex changed, and new risks entered the picture. By the same token, sexting (and digital ethics) is a new frontier, and while i’m in NO way equating sexting to HIV, it is a trigger for serious emotional, reputational and legal fallout. If you want to do it, that’s totally up to you — it’s your body, your phone and your decision. But just like unprotected sex, be aware that (for myriad reasons cultural, legal and societal) it can have real consequences. That’s us talking to teens on a “real” level. I understand if you disagree.
-Jason
Kat – I’m afraid they haven’t, in fact if anything such technology has in many ways made it worse. I went to an all girls school (boys next door!) and the pressure/repercussions of sex were still intense. Boys who kissed the most girls were heroes while the girls who behaved exactly the same were vilified. Girls need more than ever to be taught, and to develop, the strength not to turn on the victims of slurring through sexual denigration and to focus it on the perpetrators instead. We also need to look strongly at the rapid oversexualisation of our culture, its effect on young women and how we can combat its pernicious effects. Young people are always going to do two things – have sex and behave stupidly – but we can still ensure the two don’t combine to such a terrible effect on young girls lives and so-called social ‘reputations’.
Ingrid, I applaud your particular comment, “We can change the definition of slut to make us feel empowered (like what @Nancy said) in our sexual exploration.” Both you and Logan Levkoff effectively highlight the fact that we need to consider the power of language and the malleability of words, as well as the possibility for meaning to be changed starting on a personal, individual basis and expanding to a greater collective consciousness.
Re: Jason’s comments on Sexting in America’s approach to Ally’s story, I totally agree that sexting in general doesn’t equate to abuse, and it’s no one’s job to project or impose what the conditions of any sexual relationship should be, unless a breach of consent occurs. Nonetheless, with something like what happened between Ally and her ex-boyfriend, there are clearly indicators of an abusive relationship. I’m with you there.
Where I disagree is the implication that Ingrid’s entry is primarily meant to promote blame. It sounds like the entry is more focused on critiquing the blame that does exist in this news special (e.g. through subtle production choices like editing, the complete absence of the ex-boyfriend, lack of acknowledgement of his necessity to the story), and that existent blame is mostly assigned to Ally. I’m concerned with why that is, and if we’re going to acknowledge that blame (scary, taboo concept) is being tossed around, then why is it completely sidestepping Ally’s ex-boyfriend?
I think that Ingrid (and THE LINE Campaign in general) is interested in issues of accountability that connect to multiplicity in a story, a problem that is significantly absent and unexplored in this news special. MTV is a powerful media source, and if all its producers can offer (even with the laudable intent to spark dialogue) is a one-sided dissection that doesn’t push more boundaries, then what’s being presented isn’t really a complex picture of teen sexuality and sexual relationships. While it’s good that this special stands as part of a series, having a series won’t erase the problem of MTV’s ideological underpinnings.
Hey, Jason. I’m glad you took the time to respond here. It’s encouraging to see that MTV is into having this dialogue out in the open — as much as the sexting special encourages dialogue, as you said was your aim, folks still need a place to have that conversation, and they need the trust that if they ask hard questions, they’ll get answers with respect. I’m glad THE LINE can host a conversation that MTV really can’t.
It’s why they can’t host that conversation that’s really the disconnect I see here. On the one hand, MTV has been getting a hard time since day 1 for promoting teen sex. On the other hand, when MTV tries to get real about teen sex — what real people really face — It focuses only on the most over-the-top stuff, in ways that feel more like a freakshow than anything from our reality. I know there doesn’t have to be a hard line there — the truth is, we do learn a lot from MTV’s idea of reality, even the videos MTV didn’t show (Justify My Love — never forget).
Here’s what’s messing with your ability to have this dialogue — the way you approached sexting isn’t all that different than how adults approach MTV’s “bad” influence. Of course tv can’t make us sluts. Or give us a bad reputation. But since some people insist it can, what can we do? We can’t change their opinion. But I know what you’d prefer us to do is to accept that they are wrong — not to say, Well, sluts, we may as well stop watching just in case, right?
When you use real issues that real people face as entertainment, and then tell us we should have learned something, you’re using us. When you don’t listen when young people say, you got it wrong, it only reinforces that.
To then try to say you don’t have a stand, you only want to start a dialogue — but that really the best thing girls can do is just “not send the picture” — how is that not a stand? It’s as disconnected from reality as the parents who tell us not to have the sex we are having.
You do have a stand. When you let the slut-shaming go when it serves your interest, when you don’t show how it’s the abusive actions of those who show the photos off as trophies to be the real problem, you are telling girls the problem is them.
What’s worse, you have helped make a world where taking your clothes off as a girl doesn’t damage your rep — it makes it. (For some girls, anyway. Do you want to go there, too?)
You invoke the golden years of AIDS awareness on MTV — Madonna calling for safer sex (and to vote!) and all those Keith Haring cartoons — yes, for a minute, MTV was a lifeline for isolated kids whose parents elected a president who couldn’t even say AIDS. But with the sexting campaign, MTV has produced something that only reinforces what scared parents want to hear, that insults your core audience in the process. And it looks like you figured you could afford to. It is parents who pay the cable bill.
Thanks for your comments, Marilla and Melissa. In response, here are some data points, other thoughts and a question.
Among 14-24 year olds*
- 1 in 3 have sent or received a nude photo online or on their cell
- 60% of those who have sent a nude photo have been pressured to do so
- those who have sent nude photos are 4 times more likely to have contemplated suicide
- regardless of how ridiculous the law is, if you send a nude photo of yourself – and you’re under 18 – you can be charged with child pornography.
- 25% of teens/young adults have considered what they do online/on mobile could have legal repercussions.
These are the facts, nationally. Sadly — and I wish this was the case — there’s nothing freakshow about either Ally or Phillip’s stories. We gave them a platform to tell their stories. We pushed to have Ally’s ex-bf included, but he refused. We didn’t editorialize on who was right/wrong or which laws were good/bad. We just told the story and left it up to the audience to decide.
I can respect and appreciate members of THE LINE Campaign not feeling the special, having the perspective that we didn’t push the boundaries enough, believing that we should have more deeply explored issues of accountability, etc. These are all legitimate criticisms. But I flatly reject the offensive charges that some pernicious “ideological underpinnings” and interest in “using” young people as entertainment drove the creative of the special. Saying we got it wrong is one thing. Jaundiced barbs are something else.
Again, Sexting in America doesn’t exist in a vacuum. A Thin Line is in its infancy (just over 2 months old). We have, and are building out more, campaign spots and elements that address pressure to sext, forward vs. delete, sexting-triggered digital harassment and much more. We’re going to partner with young people across the country to address all of these issues and social pressures for some time to come. We’re never going to point fingers. Maybe that’s a philosophical difference, and one we’ll never be able to reconcile with members of this forum.
1 q and 2 comments:
@Marilla – if you had the camera and access to our editing bay, how would you have introduced more accountability into the special? I’m really curious to hear specific feedback on how you would have approached this.
@Melissa
- Folks (us included) are having this conversation all across the social web, not just here on whereisyourline.org. As a result of the special, we’ve seen tens of thousands of posts and comments in the last few days (and incidentally, this is the first time we’ve seen the “victim blaming” charge). We’re not arrogant enough to believe it *has* to happen on MTV.com, though it’s happening there, as well as on AThinLine.org, facebook.com/athinline and elsewhere.
- Please don’t twist my words. I said the only way you can fully inoculate yourself from the potential ill effects of sexting is to not send the pic. Not that the *best* thing girls can do is not send the pic. The former is a statement of fact, the latter an opinion. You and every young person in the country are entitled to their opinion on sexting — we’re not telling you it’s right or wrong. I mean, it makes perfect sense, right? (youth+hormones+broadcast device in pocket). But you can’t argue with the fact that once you press send, the matter is permanently out of your control. Stopping sexting isn’t our goal. Serving up resources and info that help members of our audience have healthy relationships and make the best decisions for themselves is. But based on the tone of your post, it’s clear you’re going to see what you want to see in this.
-Jason
*Research.AThinLine.org
Hey all,
I want to jump into the conversation. Everyone’s passion and comments reflect how much MTV is a part of our lives. It is woven into our cultural fabric, and to chime in as a girl of the 80′s, something incredibly influential to my notions of female sexuality.
I’m don’t think anyone thinks the Sexting Special produced by “A Thin Line” was driven by the desire to exploit young people. The frustrations expressed regarding exploitation and ideology, are probably directed at MTV’s programming in general – videos, reality series, Spring Break, etc. From the outside, MTV appears as one big entity, although I’m learning that there are different campaigns, efforts, philanthropy and “pro-social” initiatives living under the big umbrella.
I can only speak for myself, but I will always push for more accountability, and diverse voices representing youth sexuality, the dangers, the excitement and the responsibility. It is complex territory, and always a struggle and challenge to treat it as such.
I can’t wait to see how “A Thin Line” continues to unfold, push boundaries and raise awareness.
Thanks.
Getting back to the original post, mad respect for Ingrid! You bring up really important issues about teen sexuality. We hear the “Reefer Madness” version of teen sex all the time. But along with talking about the dangers and perils of exploitation, assault, STIs — which, don’t get me wrong, are damn important — we *also* need to get culturally comfy with the idea of teen/youth sexual pleasure.
Here’s to Nancy for forging new ground w/The Line Campaign and for explaining that shifting cultural norms is not a simple, linear project (see her comment just above mine). She says it well; I won’t repeat what she says. Just to say, “yeah, what she said.”
To Jason, your points are well taken. I’m not picking sides here. I’m saying I’m glad to see robust dialogue. REALLY glad. But I need to add caution.
You cite the following data:
“- those who have sent nude photos are 4 times more likely to have contemplated suicide”
Presented this way, it might lead a reader to assume sexting causes suicidal tendencies. There can be unknown and additional variables, and correlation is not the same as causation. PLEASE be very careful in how you frame the data. I’m a social scientist PhD. This is what we do. We scold people in public for sloppy use of data. I do so w/respect.
But you also cite this …
“- regardless of how ridiculous the law is, if you send a nude photo of yourself – and you’re under 18 – you can be charged with child pornography.”
Why stop there? If this is a ridiculous law, then dig deeper into the issues. It’s not enough just to say “the law is ridiculous.” We’ve had lots of ridiculous laws and we don’t simply let them stand. (Well, sometimes we do, but that’s another convo for another day.)
Oh, and P.S. — all these issues getting hashed out here? This is *exactly* why I’m working on my next book, Pleasure and Peril: Questions About Sex From the Bed and Beyond. Look for it! We need it.
I see sexting as an alarmist media construction just to create an issue to worry parents and paint our generation as overly sexual and irresonsible – people have taken nude pictures and shared them for decades and longer, sexting is nothing new as a general concept.
That being said, it’s a brutal invasion of privacy when these private pictures are shared, but it’s a risk that you know full well in advance. If you’re comfortable enough with your body and sexuality to make them digital and send them, you have to accept that there’s a chance they could be passed on and be comfortable with that.
It’s ridiculous though about the girl who wanted to fight because her naked pictures were on “her” man’s phone. It’s just so unnecessary and disrespectful to the girl whose pictures they were.
This has been a topic for decades, if not forever. Younger people expressing themselves sexually, and older people being shocked about it. The medium is different in today’s internet age, but the camera has been around for many decades now and word of mouth and direct sexual behavior has always been a factor even before structured education systems.
A good book to consider reading more on the topic of gender based disparity in the sexual and social development of children into adulthood is “SLUT! Growing Up Female With a Bad Reputation” by Leora Tanenbaum (http://www.amazon.com/Slut-Growing-Female-Bad-Reputation/dp/1888363940)
@Nancy – thank you. very much.
@Shira – you’re absolutely right – I apologize for not including that caveat. I’m generally careful to footnote that correlation doesn’t equal causation, but I failed to do so here. Thanks for calling me on it.
Re: laws – as a media company, we typically don’t/can’t take a position on policy, no matter how ridiculous it may be – or how much i’d personally like to. Rather, we work to amplify young peoples’ voices in the dialog. We’re starting to do that now and have much more planned (on the sex offender laws, which are much more complicated than you’d think, cyberbullying vs. 1st amendment rights, etc.). With only 22 minutes at our disposal for the special — and a-lot to cover — we didn’t really have the real estate to delve deeply into the broader debate about laws here. We are actively stoking that debate across the social web though.
@Ronan, I’ll agree that sexting is nothing new as a general concept, but i’d argue that technology has fundamentally changed the dynamics here as it has elsewhere (see: file sharing/music, youtube/video, etc.). It’s the difference between linear and logarithmic. I don’t know of anyone who’s ever committed suicide because a nude polaroid got out. A Thin Line is especially geared towards high school-aged youth (14-18). We’re focusing on sexting as part of the campaign because it’s opened up new avenues for pressure, control, harassment and humiliation. It’s part of this broader set of issues born from the profound impact communications technology and constant connectedness are having on how we live. We have nothing to gain from worrying parents; our goal with the campaign is to be a resource to and advocate for young people.
Thanks again to everybody who has chimed in. I wouldn’t be here engaging in this conversation if I didn’t care — and really want to hear — what you think about the special and campaign.
-Jason
I am so glad my mom was up-front with me about sex. She was raped at fourteen, and spent the rest of highschool sleeping with every boy who would hold still long enough in a desperate attempt to shore up her wretched self-esteem. Because of a simple “I did this, these were the genuine consequences,” I was able to make much better choices as a young person. I’m not saying I didn’t make any mistakes of my own, but knowing that at any time, I could talk to her, and get good advice without her freaking out, was a really good thing for me. A lot of my friends would go to her with their own problems, rather than their own parents, because they could actually talk to her.
I think the best way to positively change the “slut culture” we have today is for parents and other adults to be more willing to honestly share the wisdom they have rather than just sharing recriminations. Adults give advice on other subjects, like friendship, scholastics, and whatnot, it makes no sense to me that most teens have no one to talk to about an issue as important as burgeoning sexuality.
Word Noelly. I 100% agree with your statement “the best way to positively change the “slut culture” we have today is for parents and adults to be more willing to HONESTLY SHARE the wisdom they have rather than just sharing recriminations.” I wish my mother was as open as yours. My boyfriend, up until two weeks, had to sleep on the floor in my room, next to my bed. It’s ridiculous since I’m eighteen and he’s twenty-three; we’re treated like junior high tweens having a sleepover. I respect their rules since it’s their house and I don’t live there anymore, but I wish they would trust me and treat me like a young adult.
Many teens don’t have somebody they can talk to about sex besides their friends, whom don’t always have the best advice. Adults create an uncomfortable environment for us to grow and learn in. Young people need to be sexually empowered at a young age and be taught the real stuff. Let’s start with putting a stop to those sex education videos from the ’80s (shoulder pads and big hair galore) shown in health class.
[...] for discussion of interventions related to sexting.” This is only more indication that the MTV-induced sexting panic isn’t over yet. The report covers a plethora of related issues and attempts to compile [...]