"I wasn't raped" – what?
I lost my virginity junior year of High School, and compared to my friend’s first times, I was pretty late. When I would ask them about their first times, they would smile and proceed to tell me all the juicy details. I’ve always been a curious girl; I used to lie in bed when I was younger and touch myself, becoming acquainted with my pussy. Around fifth grade I discovered romance novels, via Danielle Steel, and reread steamy sex scenes and let them play out in my head. So naturally, I was very anxious to have sex. I ‘lost’ it to a guy five years older than my sixteen year-old self, but it was consensual and I was more than ready to get it over with. ‘Lost’ is a funny word to use since I didn’t lose it. I know where it went.
Fast-forward two years and a couple of months, and I’m lying on my bed in my dorm that I share with my roommate Vanessa (whose name I changed to protect her identity). Vanessa and I instantly became friends; we both have boyfriends, we’re both Latina, and we both love to eat. I don’t know if it was my array of women’s studies books or my reproductive system bandana hanging from my wall, but she felt comfortable talking to me about sex. Our conversation evolved from which positions we like best to what our first times were like. But instead of laughing it up, I started getting really pissed throughout her first time story. Vanessa couldn’t tell if her first time was consensual or if it was rape. She justified it, since at the time, he was her boyfriend.
Vanessa’s story goes like this: She met Jose (not his name) when she was seventeen through friends, and the first time they hung out, it was her first time getting really drunk. They started making out, which led to dry-humping, which led to them moving into a bedroom. He started to finger her and she told him to stop so he stopped, and told her he wanted to respect her since he grew up with women and his dad was always in jail. After that, they started going out, and after a month he told her he loved her. A month after that, she snuck out of her house (which was becoming routine) and went to Jose’s. They were drinking, and Vanessa felt drunk off a few beers. He drank the same amount as she did, said he was drunk too. They started making out on a couch in his living room. Vanessa realized later that he was faking drunk, since it normally took him about six times the amount he drank that night. He turned the couch into a bed and without her knowing, he got up to get a condom. He got naked, got on top of her and asked, “Are you sure?” All she could do was nod her head. She told me that she felt pressured into having sex, and once they started doing it, she couldn’t wait for him to get off cause it hurt so much. Afterward, he left her there crying so he could go to sleep in his room.
Months later, she started questioning him about that night, he would angrily ask her “what are you implying?” so she dropped it. When she asked her friends about it, they told her to not worry, because it’s “just sex”. But it’s not just sex. Sex doesn’t make you replay every action in your head, finding all the ways to blame yourself. Even if he was your boyfriend and you wanted to please him; if he really loved you then he would respect you.
This semester, I moved to a different dorm and one of my roommates told me a similar story about her first time. He wasn’t her boyfriend, but he was a guy at school that she had a crush on. She also couldn’t tell if it was rape, or if being forced the first time was normal. Why were my friends scared to admit that it was rape, because their friends were telling them not to worry about it?
If we call these experiences what they are – rape, would that even be helpful? I think that it would be. Let’s not forget the definition of the word. By being silent, you are being violent towards yourself. You are denying yourself the right to speak up and be heard. It’s up to you if want to Phoolan-Devi-it or whatnot, but by letting those assholes off the hook, we all let them know that they can get away with anything. And we, as listeners, need to not minimize these stories when we hear them.
Vanessa is in a great relationship right now, with a man who loves and respects her. Everyone deserves both, or at least respect, especially for their first time.
Tags: assault, communication, consent, rape, respect, sex, virgin, wasted
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by thelinecampaign: Why don’t my friends call it rape? a new post by @ingridivanna:
http://bit.ly/bZRGBe…
This is a great post, Ingrid. I’ve been collecting lots of stories for the documentary I’m doing on virginity and I’ve heard similar things.
One 50-ish woman I interviewed told me she’d had forced intercourse at age 14 with a guy who assumed she had been having a sexual relationship with her boyfriend (they actually hadn’t gone past kissing). After that, her friends branded her a slut and she didn’t have any intimate relationships for years.
The amazing part of it was she never once used the word ‘rape’ when telling this otherwise very detailed story. I finally quietly said ‘So, you were raped.’ and she said ‘Yeah, I guess I was raped.’ It was surreal.
A woman named “Lilith” wrote a piece for my blog about losing her virginity more than once. The first time was rape so she didn’t count it. Just like St. Augustine who, for all his nasty misogyny, did give women a pass in cases of rape. They could still consider themselves virgins in their souls.
Here’s Lilith’s story: http://bit.ly/cBUi7S
Ingrid,
This piece is an eye opener for a lot of people. Many of us don’t speak up simply because we don’t know or are unsure of the definition of rape. I was raped almost 5 years ago. For a very long time, I couldn’t accept that I was raped. I literally googled “rape” online and read all the legal definitions until I was able to convince myself that it was rape. I was drugged and I didn’t remember anything, until I woke up one morning with two guys on top of me. It is horrifying that people can do this to others and not think that it is wrong. I thank you for sharing this because many people can take a lot from this. There is a line and unfortunately a lot of people don’t see or respect it. Thank you.
-Jules
This is incredibly difficult. There is no question that the experience wasn’t 100% consensual from an emotional perspective. However, instead of judging/labeling, perhaps we use this as an opportunity to explore what we may have done differently in that situation – or what we we would want our daughters to do in that situation. I know that owning your voice (speaking up re: consent, pleasure, negotiation, protection, emotions) is essential for me personally and with my students. So I suppose the question is: “How do we teach young women (and men) to do this without feeling like they will lose something in the process?” Nonetheless, it’s not an easy call.
Nice post, Ingrid.
Logan
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Sexuality Educator
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
Twitter @LoganLevkoff
Thanks for your comments.
Amazing stories you’ve gathered, Therese, and I can’t wait to see the film. Jules, thanks for sharing. The fact that you Googled the word rape – incredible how your mind can play tricks on you for self-protection.
Great advice, Logan, I totally agree that we need to teach (and learn) how to speak up and own your voice, but I also love Ingrid’s point about not letting those who violate, manipulate, coerce and force off the hook, either. Although I agree labels tend to divide us and shut us down (I only use the word “rape” once in my film) we really need to own and acknowledge what rape is, and when it happens, and how it is part of a larger system. A system that minimizes the experience, normalizes it, and convinces us to stay quiet.
“Having a line won’t protect you” is one of the most poignant answers I’ve ever received after a screening. Although I don’t like to dwell in that hopeless space, she’s right. Speaking up and negotiating aren’t always enough, your partner needs to listen and respect you, and we as a community need to hold each other accountable when that respect is breached.
Great post, thank you. I especially love challenging and rethinking the language of ‘losing’ one’s virginity…
I agree Nancy and Logan – it is such an important discussion to have – and it is especially important for us all (especially men) to make space for an honest and open and difficult discussion that allows everyone to self-identify their own experiences (which The Line grapples with so well) while NOT in any way diminishing full accountability for that which is obviously sexual assault/rape. Not so long ago I was on a panel in NYC when Cosmo repackaged age old victim blaming under the label of ‘gray rape’. Sigh. Sad as HELL to hear so many first time stories like this. So many.
Thank you for sharing your story/stories and continuing the dialogue.
Say it, Sister! You’re raising important, difficult issues. We need to talk. Then we need to keep talking. Then we need change. Appreciation.
It’s inspiring waking up to such amazing comments. My immune system got a natural boost from everyone’s love! Thank you for checking my blog out, and leaving me feedback…
Therese, I checked out the blog and the dvd “I was a teenage feminist” caught my eye. I definitely want to grab a copy, sounds really interesting. Good luck on your next documentary, can’t wait to watch it.
Jules, your right about people not seeing/respecting our lines. We all came out of a woman’s pussy, so you would think people would not want to mistreat/hurt it. What kind of human goes around and drops drugs in woman’s drinks so they can rape them?
Logan, I agree with what you and Nancy on educating young people to speak up. No one taught me to speak up, especially with my parents always warning me to keep my mouth shut about their legal status, I was (and am) always scared to say the wrong thing. Growing up, I started using my voice more, letting people know what I have to say although I’m still learning how to express myself. Definitely want to bring this up for a future post…
Joe, I agree that it’s sad as hell to hear so many first time stories played out like that. And what constitutes as ‘gray rape’?
“Vanessa” was motivated by my blog to make a short film on her experience (Cinema Studies shoutout!). Also, thanks to my new roommate for trusting me with her story and helping me edit. Mad love to both of y’all.
Thanks for the love and feedback, I’m going to go back to bed and nurse myself back to health…
+Thanks Shira! Loving the energy, and we sure need some change…
Thank you Ingrid for this post, and to echo comments of others, it is incredibly saddening to consider the number of women who have been victimized like your roommate.
The two elements of your post and the comments following that stick with me the most are our societies response to survivors and to perpetrators. Like (I think) many folks, I have experienced some really terrible stuff in my life, but since sexual assault/rape is not part of my experience I am always hesitant to do more than offer survivors options and tools to regain their voice. That said, I totally hear your frustration that we as a society don’t make room for or prioritize a conversation about what consent is (easy right? Enthusiastic, informed and sober to start with…), much less about what good sex should be. AND if we did, how much more exposed would those who want to “manufacture” consent, or just completely disregard another’s wishes? LOTS! We do so much is our culture to pardon, excuse, camoflage and create as much confusion or “gray” area (Joe’s comment) as possible so that it’s easier to justify giving passes to perpetrators.
I applaud your post and everyone’s comments that seek to continue the conversation. I think Shira wrapped that thought up best actually…
Talk, Keep Talking (“…even if our voices shake”), and Change.
thank you ingrid for this post. i wish i’d had friends like you when i was in college. keep up the good work.
(sad, bitter lol) yeah. gray rape was presented basically as (not me agreeing, validating or even wanting to engage or acknowledge in any way!) situations where two people hook up/have sex but they were both drunk and the woman (because all sex is hetero according to the article) is unsure what happened/what she wanted and maybe she regrets things and maybe something happened she didn’t want to happen but it wasn’t “real rape”, it fell into the gray area of ‘gray rape’. again, i think the nuanced discussion of what sexual violence is and how we listen or don’t listen to survivors is very important, but the examples they show then in the article of gray rape in the article include situations where a woman says no multiple times and is ignored by the man she is with. Maybe just me, but wasn’t seeing the gray there…Cosmo’s official definition:
“It refers to sex that falls somewhere between consent and denial and is even more confusing than date rape because often both parties are unsure of who wanted what.” you know, it just happens. FYI the article link is below. Beware of triggers as it contains stories of assaults and a lot of stuff to potentially piss you off…..
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips-moves/new-kind-of-date-rape
[...] By Ingrid, Originally posted Whereisyourline.org [...]