I had a very long conversation with my primary about this. She asserts that my feminism outside the bedroom is what allows for our sexual context. I think that my feminism is what attracts her to me (and allows me to be in her “people bucket”), but that isn’t the source of my sexual etiquette (this could just be semantics).

@Shawna
The transgender issue is, of course, very complicated. Because it covers a very broad swath of people intersexed, FTM, MTF, pre-op, post-op and a variety of states of physical/psychological union on the individual’s current state vs. ideal state. I don’t mean it to be voyeuristic, rather, more along the lines of non-polar sex and gender identities.

@sarah
I agree that whatever my friend likes in bed does not count as an excuse, and I don’t think that she felt that way either.

@Cesar
I have to differ from you in thinking that there is no connection between feminism and sexual etiquette. I think that sexual gratification stems from our identities, political and ideological, and feminism is definitely tied to that in terms of empowering oneself.

@Critical Masculinities
I think what you’re pointing to regarding a greater need to define rough sex play in this entry has a lot to do with how varied the responses were according to the people I asked. Some people completely agreed with my friend in that some forms of choking count, while others completely strayed from that. Perhaps this subject deserves an entire entry.

@Chad
There are a lot of factors to my friend’s situation that I have not fully explained, but she has experienced what I would consider a pattern of violence with this (now ex-)boyfriend. It’s also not the first partner either, so I appreciate the sentiment that as a friend it’s my job to help her be safer.

Also, I don’t really agree with your comment that “Your current partner who engaged in rough sex with you without obtaining your consent could just as easily have been raping you… he is lucky that you do not consider it so.” It’s very true that if I were anyone else, who didn’t feel so strongly about protecting her body or making it a priority, my thoughts would be different. Yet I do not in any way feel less empowered, I am not suppressing any trauma, and there is no reason to say to my partner, “you should feel lucky because this was a legal and moral issue.” A statement like that sounds malicious to me, and in some ways a violation of the feelings that I actually hold. Perhaps what needs to be emphasized most is what a commenter mentioned about defining consent for a single act versus trusting a person entirely. I fully trust my partner and have been in situations with him in the past in which I’ve said, no, I can’t do this anymore, and he’s been more than willing to stop. All that said, I completely see that you are coming at this from a place of concern, and am also appreciative of the fact.

@re.sister.with.love
I agree with you that “not every non-consensual act (sexual or otherwise) has the same degree of traumatic impact on an individual”.

Thanks so much for the comments, and I am really encouraged to hear from so many of you that “Communication doesn’t hurt the moment” and that mutual attention is important. Will start working on my own yes/maybe/no list soon!

I do wonder how college students are grappling with these spaces and intersections?

@Cesar: I really love your input. I love the idea of things I consent to allow and people I consent to trust. That definitely rang a bell with me.

@Nancy: I agree with Cesar’s comments that everyone can work toward that level of freedom. I appreciate your acknowledgement that certain groups of people (both cisgender and transgender women especially) are often victimized and objectified, but I don’t think it is that simple. Intersectionality plays a huge role in who has power in sexual relationships. For example, men of color are often sexualized in ways that affect how they move in the world (think the “Latin Lover” stereotype, or pictures of oiled up, shirtless black hip-hop artists–while associated with maleness, they are still objectified). For me, as a white cisgender woman dating two men of color, both of vastly differently regarded racial/ethnic backgrounds–who has sexual agency? Who has power? The intersections of privilege and oppression are myriad and varied and require constant navigation.

As a survivor of an emotionally abusive, coercive relationship, I can say that I work toward two buckets every day. Sometimes the lines between them are more distinct than others, but reaching for freedom every day is possible, and attainable for at least this survivor!

@everyone In this discussion of consent and empowerment, I also wanted to complicate the discussion of gender a little bit. Several people have referred to “women, men, and transfolks,” as if trans people are automatically a third gender that is not compatible with the words “woman” or “man.” This feels (to me) voyeuristic and assuming, something I hope that all of us working for consent can agree is not the goal. Owning my own cisgender privilege here, I will just say that in my experience, gender is much more complicated than that, and that while some people identify as trans and not man or woman, others identify as trans AND man or woman. And of course, there are people that don’t identify with any of the labels I’ve used thus far, or combine them in other ways. So, I just wanted to complicate the discussion of gender and consent a little more and hopefully leave a bit more gender elbow-room.

I think it is also important to remember that empowerment is individual. If you feel empowered by your actions, that is all that matters.

Great post!