It’s Implied… + Here’s Why!
My line is “It’s implied”. That means that I am responsible for my own actions. Broadly speaking, my words and actions convey a meaning from which people will naturally draw my intentions, without my always having to be explicit. In terms of interpersonal relationships, even indirect actions and statements go a long way in defining where I am and where I want to be. The underlying assumption is that we are all social beings, and that we understand the meanings behind specific behaviors.
Take body language. Body language is often a very accurate gauge for testing the waters and making or communicating sexual decisions & desires. Flirting, hair tossing, and preening can be effective, obvious, and above all, natural ways of communicating what is left un-verbalized. We don’t just approach strangers and say “Hey, because I’m attracted to you I’d like you to notice my lips, arms, chest…and by the way I’m [probably] available; what’s your name?” Our intentions are often conveyed as much by what we don’t say as what we do say.
It can sometimes even be a dangerous thing to rely completely on expressed statements. People may say and avow things they’re unsure about because they feel that it’s appropriate to the circumstances or because they feel pressured. Basing sexual decisions on implied actions and meanings entails being attuned to everything about the encounter: the context, the person, the surroundings. “It’s implied” is a rallying call for going deeper into all the elements that comprise a sexual situation.
A person shouldn’t always have to say “I’m comfortable” for me to be aware that they’re comfortable. They may express it verbally and that can be great, but shouldn’t I be able to detect when there is a level of discomfort without it being made explicit? Shouldn’t I be able to react in a responsible and mature way if the issue of discomfort is raised either expressly or implicitly? Could we even consider that keeping our eyes open to lines of implied consent may add to the overall sensual experience? For example if your partner is responding, bodily or verbally, and you’re in turn responding to that, isn’t that a bit more natural than if at every instance, everybody was expressly making sure that everybody was “cool” and everybody is expressly reassuring to everybody else the same?
Here’s what “It’s implied” should never be: it should not be the excuse for “s/he was asking for it”. Any argument for consent based on implied behavior should fall flat against an expressed “no”. This point, of consent and implicit behavior, where actions and expressed words may appear to converge or diverge, is the trickiest aspect of modern sexuality. It is where moral responsibility, socialization, gender, sexual dynamics, and other legal, social considerations merge, jostle and collide; but l think it’s appropriate to make some concrete observations here.
The word “Implied” as used in this sexual context of consent is not a simple concept. And furthermore, the idea that sexual consent is always “expressed” is also problematic. In fact, for a sexually & socially responsible individual it should not be always true that “the line of consent” is equated with an expressed “yes”. Many people can verbalize a sexual “yes”: what about women whose spouses or partners have abused them in the past if they do not comply with sexual demands?; or teenage girls with older adults, perhaps adults who are authority figures of some sort; or even prostitutes with abusive handlers and pimps; and of course, drunk or incapacitated adults may say “yes” as well. Although a expressed “no” trumps everything else, I believe a responsible sexual decision should be derived from the whole situation and not just that affirmative syllable “yes””.
My statement that “It’s Implied” is really an emphasis of individual’s responsibility to examine and understand the breadth of a sexual situation in order to make a decision. People can verbally acquiesce to, and even request, activities that can be hazardous to their well being, with or without a fully-formed capacity to understand the implications of such decisions. In forming a responsible idea of consent, I think we have to be very aware of the role played by implicit understandings communicated and made evident through circumstances, statements and actions. These are the building blocks of consent that must be part of a responsible sexual decision.
“Broadly speaking, my words and actions convey a meaning from which people will naturally draw my intentions, without my always having to be explicit”
I feel compelled to call you on this; I think you’re heart may be in the right place, but what you wrote is a stunning example of rape culture thinking.
What a place the world would be if everyone could read each other’s minds; how tranquil and content we’d all be if whenever anyone exhibited body language we would all naturally draw the same conclusions as to what that body language meant.
If you’re in public, look around you right now. Everywhere, people are sending messages with their body language. What are those messages? You don’t know. There is no way you can really know without checking in with the person directly; anything else is just you drawing your own conclusions.
Ever have someone ask you how you’re feeling, and then when you tell them, they don’t believe you? Then they say “no, you’re ___.” They essentially decide for you what you are feeling (or, who you are, what you want). Do you know how disempowering that can feel? How aggravating? This is just a hint of what a survivor of sexual assault has experienced.
Judges, sitting on the bench, have tossed out cases because they determined victims had led the defendant on with sexually aggressive behavior. In one such case (this was many years ago, in Canada), the victim was a three year old.
What on earth does a three year old know about sexuality? Nothing. What was at play was one person’s behavior being assessed through the lens of someone else. When we do that, we fill in the blanks with our own belief systems, our own reference points, our own wants and needs. This can be a dangerous thing.
But here’s the real catch; as I have said to workshop participants: “if you’re so confident that you’re reading the signals correctly, if you know for certain that they are interested and want to (fill in the blank with whatever activity you’re thinking of here), then there’s no risk in asking the question, is there?”
_____________
Stephen Montagna
Violence Prevention Communications Coordinator
Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault (WCASA)
Madison, WI 53703
stephenm@wcasa.org
http://www.wcasa.org/
When viewing the post as a whole, I can agree with the message in theory. I do believe that there are times when body language sends a message, especially with someone whom you’ve been sexual with before. However, there are some faulty assumptions in the post that could lead to very unhealthy situations. “my words and actions convey a meaning from which people will naturally draw my intentions.” Not always. Just because someone is smiling at you, leaning in close during your conversation or touching your arm doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe they are smiling because they are nervous or uncomfortable, like in Japan. Maybe they are hard of hearing, the music is too loud or you are speaking too softly. Maybe they touch everyone on the arm, or maybe they are too drunk to stand up straight. “Body language is often a very accurate gauge for testing the waters and making or communicating sexual decisions & desires.” There is pretty convincing research that men misinterpret women’s body language frequently, and even more so when under the influence of alcohol. Also, there is an assumption that body language is universal which it is not. Getting a thumbs up from someone that was raised in the United States probably means “Good job” or some other way of communicating “go ahead” where as in other parts of the world it means “f@#! you!” I appreciate your thoughtfulness to the subject as negotiating consent and sexual boundaries can be uncomfortable for some. That is why communication is important. If you don’t know if someone wants what you are planning to do or you don’t know what they like, ask. If they are not willing to verbalize consent or talk about what they want, maybe you should take a step back and rethink what’s going on. It is true that sometimes a yes is coerced or forced, which means that consent was not given and a crime occurred. Also, on most college campuses across the country what is described in this post would be considered sexual assault because the initiator has to obtain affirmative verbal consent that what they are going to do is ok. I don’t think the issue is simple enough to say anytime someone says yes that it’s consent, but it’s certainly not appropriate to just rely on body language. I do believe that what you prescribe in the last few paragraphs is a responsible way to approach the situation, but I am afraid most people will read that post and leave with the idea that all you need to do is think that they wanted it because of the way they were acting or flirting. Body language is not a good predictor of desire. People are notoriously poor at reading and interpreting body language and it is not universal like implied in the post.
Thanks, Stephen and Jarrod for weighing in. Highlighting (mis)interpretation, cultural norms and the different lenses we bring to every scenario brings to light the dangers of assuming you are understanding a situation without clarifying verbally.