thanks for taking my comment seriously. I felt this wasn’t really the place for my experience, so thanks for posting it!

I’m working my way through life and, as is often said, the journey is not rarely sufficient reward, at least to not lose hope. Holding a woman’s hand for the first time was a big step for me a couple of years ago. Being kissed another. I’m no longer entirely unhappy with who and where I am. I’m learning, and the feeling of progress is making me feel better in itself

I wasn’t kidding when I wrote that, these days, women (occasionally) literally throw themselves at me. I have become very good at dancing *in front of the line* (talking to women). Sometimes, I do feel a bit schizophrenic because of that.

I’ve had coded offers of sex on spot/toilet in clubs, for threesomes. Guys ask me how to talk to women or to talk to women for them, even some recent female friends (who don’t know my past) think I’m having as much sex as anyone would ever want to. People really do believe what they want to believe.

But when it comes to actually approaching the line, when it’s about physical and not merely verbal intimacy, my experience is really more like this – about a month ago, in Europe, I went out with a great woman, grad student in art history. She had done all she likely felt she could have done to help me make the move, including telling me, after a concert, with bedroom eyes, that I must be bored by her attraction to me. I really wasn’t. I wanted to kiss her, but while this probably looked like a movie moment to anyone outside of my brain, I just couldn’t bring myself to try to kiss her because I did not *positively* know she wanted me to. I had actually hoped to be able to. But I wasn’t, and she didn’t do it. So I took my plane, and we became facebook friends instead of lovers.

Last Saturday, another party, a female acquaintance approaches and says ‘bye’, telling me she was going home because she was bored. When I asked ‘why?’, she said she’d prefer making out to talking. She then took my hands tenderly and kissed me… on the cheek. Information overload. What was she saying? She had told me before that she’s one of the women who’d never make “the first step”. Was she ignoring her principles in order to help me explore her line? There is no way to find out in such situations without trying. But I don’t explore without knowing. I’d need her to say “I’m bored because YOU don’t make out with me. Change that. Now!”

Luckily, when I was 32, there was a woman who did just that.

Christopher,

thanks for your encouragement!

“Are you afraid of society’s or other women’s perceptions of you, or afraid of your own feelings towards yourself and sense of identity?”

I think it’s a complicated blend of the two. It suppose it’s both a matter of education and personality, both a matter of outside and self-perception.

In addition, as with most “incels”, by now physical intimacy and sex have clearly become a much bigger thing in my head than they are for most people who had the opportunity to enter that area in a playful manner. I’ve played spin the bottle, but I never kissed the girl in the cupboard.

It’s chicken-and-egg, as you say.

“you don’t see yourself as a sexual being due to your inexperience, but your inexperience is a result of your inability to see yourself as sexual.”

I think I have come to accept myself as a sexual being, but I’m still lacking the means to let go and trust myself sufficiently. I have analytically arrived at “you’re ok, your desire is ok” but, in a way, my lips haven’t yet accepted the conclusion when it comes to kissing.

“life is too short to deny yourself one of the most amazing ways to connect to another person.”

I do agree. I’m working on it Thanks again!

Are you afraid of society’s or other women’s perceptions of you, or afraid of your own feelings towards yourself and sense of identity? If it’s the latter, my advice would be to just forget about your own inner struggles and just go for it (in a consensual way of course), trying to banish any negative thoughts from your mind. It’s a chicken-and-issue; you don’t see yourself as a sexual being due to your inexperience, but your inexperience is a result of your inability to see yourself as sexual.

If you’re afraid to go for it and express your sexuality with a willing partner because of your worries about what society or other people will think of you, just remember life is too short to worry about that, and even if it’s transient and sometimes awkward, life is too short to deny yourself one of the most amazing ways to connect to another person.