F*cking Dilemma…How To Kiss A Girl?

500_scratchThis is a great idea!

Does this have to be about rape? If so, I cannot contribute. If not, here’s my 2ct.

I’ve had one girl who crossed my line. At a party she groped me to make another guy jealous, and she told me. It wasn’t the inappropriate touching itself that made it offensive, but the fact that it wasn’t even about me. I felt she had crossed a line. But I wouldn’t call it sexual assault or anything, just particularly bad manners.

But for me, the problem was usually the other way around, a different kind of line. I’m a guy and my problem was always that there is no way to know anyone else’s line without exploring, finding the line, and not rarely that will mean to at least tangentially touch it. As a teenager, I was so scared of me and my potentially violent sexuality that I didn’t even explore any lines. I exploded on the inside, but I was too afraid to accidentally hurt someone to even try to make out with a girl. As a result, I’m still a virgin at 34, and I’ve only kissed a girl at 32. I’ve done therapy to get over my sexual guilt, but it’s not easy to change one’s self concept if it is as deeply engrained.

As I’ve found out later, I’ve broken a lot of hearts because I was too afraid to explore. I was/am afraid of crossing lines even when the gates are apparently wide open. But I just did not and do not want to become *that* guy. Problem is, our lines aren’t put in stone, they are negotiated with every word and, possibly every touch, then with every kiss. Lines move. And that implies that we need to explore, there’s just no way around it.

And most women tell me that they expect the men in their lives to be the initiators. They expect me to explore where their lines are. I’ve tried asking about kissing explicitly, but most of the time (well, the couple of times I did ask), they did not seem to appreciate it – women seem to prefer it if men test their lines and both move them and miraculously respect them at the same time. No wonder there are people who call seduction an art.

So where’s my line? I don’t know. I am still far too afraid when it comes to making any move, even though, these days, women literally throw themselves on me. Technically, I may not be far away from not being a virgin, but mentally, it’s a distant future. Because I can’t cross my mental line because I’m afraid I may be crossing her physical line.
F****g dilemma, quite literally, because parallel lines only meet in infinity, but no one will live forever…

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3 Comments on “F*cking Dilemma…How To Kiss A Girl?”

  1. 1 Christopher Ronan said at 7:40 pm on November 15th, 2009:

    There is no way to find a line without exploring it, and you can’t take for granted that all women’s lines are the same, or that they’re all barred against you. Sometimes asking explicity how far someone is willing to go is righteous and empowering; if it’s only for a kiss, it kills the spontaneity and romance of the situation, and only further cements in your mind the idea that you aren’t a sexual person, and if you don’t see yourself as a sexual person, you can’t expect anyone else to.

    Are you afraid of society’s or other women’s perceptions of you, or afraid of your own feelings towards yourself and sense of identity? If it’s the latter, my advice would be to just forget about your own inner struggles and just go for it (in a consensual way of course), trying to banish any negative thoughts from your mind. It’s a chicken-and-issue; you don’t see yourself as a sexual being due to your inexperience, but your inexperience is a result of your inability to see yourself as sexual.

    If you’re afraid to go for it and express your sexuality with a willing partner because of your worries about what society or other people will think of you, just remember life is too short to worry about that, and even if it’s transient and sometimes awkward, life is too short to deny yourself one of the most amazing ways to connect to another person.

  2. 2 Nancy said at 9:45 am on November 16th, 2009:

    This is such a beautiful post, thanks for sharing. My friends both in-person and on Facebook have been talking about it. It has really hit a nerve. I appreciate your honesty, and your struggle, a struggle I’ve never had to worry about. If and when you feel ready to deal with your dilemma, to ask, to communicate and to kiss a girl, we invite you to share your experiences here.

  3. 3 Scaredoflinedancing said at 3:43 pm on November 20th, 2009:

    Nancy,

    thanks for taking my comment seriously. I felt this wasn’t really the place for my experience, so thanks for posting it!

    I’m working my way through life and, as is often said, the journey is not rarely sufficient reward, at least to not lose hope. Holding a woman’s hand for the first time was a big step for me a couple of years ago. Being kissed another. I’m no longer entirely unhappy with who and where I am. I’m learning, and the feeling of progress is making me feel better in itself :)

    I wasn’t kidding when I wrote that, these days, women (occasionally) literally throw themselves at me. I have become very good at dancing *in front of the line* (talking to women). Sometimes, I do feel a bit schizophrenic because of that.

    I’ve had coded offers of sex on spot/toilet in clubs, for threesomes. Guys ask me how to talk to women or to talk to women for them, even some recent female friends (who don’t know my past) think I’m having as much sex as anyone would ever want to. People really do believe what they want to believe.

    But when it comes to actually approaching the line, when it’s about physical and not merely verbal intimacy, my experience is really more like this – about a month ago, in Europe, I went out with a great woman, grad student in art history. She had done all she likely felt she could have done to help me make the move, including telling me, after a concert, with bedroom eyes, that I must be bored by her attraction to me. I really wasn’t. I wanted to kiss her, but while this probably looked like a movie moment to anyone outside of my brain, I just couldn’t bring myself to try to kiss her because I did not *positively* know she wanted me to. I had actually hoped to be able to. But I wasn’t, and she didn’t do it. So I took my plane, and we became facebook friends instead of lovers.

    Last Saturday, another party, a female acquaintance approaches and says ‘bye’, telling me she was going home because she was bored. When I asked ‘why?’, she said she’d prefer making out to talking. She then took my hands tenderly and kissed me… on the cheek. Information overload. What was she saying? She had told me before that she’s one of the women who’d never make “the first step”. Was she ignoring her principles in order to help me explore her line? There is no way to find out in such situations without trying. But I don’t explore without knowing. I’d need her to say “I’m bored because YOU don’t make out with me. Change that. Now!”

    Luckily, when I was 32, there was a woman who did just that.

    Christopher,

    thanks for your encouragement!

    “Are you afraid of society’s or other women’s perceptions of you, or afraid of your own feelings towards yourself and sense of identity?”

    I think it’s a complicated blend of the two. It suppose it’s both a matter of education and personality, both a matter of outside and self-perception.

    In addition, as with most “incels”, by now physical intimacy and sex have clearly become a much bigger thing in my head than they are for most people who had the opportunity to enter that area in a playful manner. I’ve played spin the bottle, but I never kissed the girl in the cupboard.

    It’s chicken-and-egg, as you say.

    “you don’t see yourself as a sexual being due to your inexperience, but your inexperience is a result of your inability to see yourself as sexual.”

    I think I have come to accept myself as a sexual being, but I’m still lacking the means to let go and trust myself sufficiently. I have analytically arrived at “you’re ok, your desire is ok” but, in a way, my lips haven’t yet accepted the conclusion when it comes to kissing.

    “life is too short to deny yourself one of the most amazing ways to connect to another person.”

    I do agree. I’m working on it :) Thanks again!


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