Archive for November, 2009

Damn, It Feels Good to Set Boundaries!

Recently, I voiced my boundaries for the first time and was successful, which not only surprised me but also made me surprisingly giddy. Here’s the story:

After a film screening at IFC, I went to an after-party at a nearby bar with a group of dear friends. There was an older man there who kept approaching me and flirting throughout the evening. First, it was small talk about the film we just saw, and then it became a more intimate conversation. He was quite charming (and a fairly famous director at least among some circles) and one of the most interesting people I’ve met in a while. My friends kept slipping by to discreetly ask if I was okay, which I appreciated, but truthfully… I was totally enjoying myself. Although he’s much older than I am, and not realistic in terms of a partner, I was having more fun than I’ve had at a bar, with a stranger, in a long time.

Eventually, people started drifting off. After making sure I was happy, my friends also left. 2 am rolls around and we’ve closed down the bar. Standing outside while hailing a taxi, he asked if he could kiss me. OK. Then he asked me if he could come to my house. NO. Then he asked if I would like to accompany him to his hotel.

One cab after another drove by, while I took my time to think about this proposition. I wanted to continue the conversation, but I didn’t want to sleep with him. With a confidence that I’ve never had my entire (sexual) life, I looked at him and said: “I will get in a taxi with you, go back to your hotel with you to continue our conversation, only if you promise NOT to remove any article of clothing from my body.” He agreed, and I made him pinky swear on it.

We go back to his hotel and continued our fun evening… even my boots stayed on.

For the longest time I was GI Jane at a party – if I had been drinking, there was no way a stranger had a chance of coming home with me or taking me to his place. This vigilance goes back nearly 14 years to a horrible drunk night when I was in high school, but that’s a different kind of story. The truth is, it felt good to let loose a bit, set a boundary, and have confidence that we would both respect it. In fact, it felt so good, I was laughing in my 4am taxi home, all the next day and even as I write this.

I wanted to share this success story and feel like I owe much of my renewed confidence to THE LINE Campaign. Thanks for reminding me that boundaries are possible to set, can be respected and can even be pleasurable.

Willamette University- House Party!

11.25.09 Nancy | No Comments »

Hi Nancy,
Attached is a picture of the Lines that were on the wall. We passed out stickers too but most people wanted to take them to think about / have mementos, so they didn’t actually write on them.
We’ll get the movie back in the mail soon. Thanks for everything!
-Michelle

P.S. And I don’t have a blog so here is a post that you can put on the website blog:

Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m a Resident Assistant at Willamette University. Every year, the Office of Residence Life puts on a sexual assault and wellness program, and this year we wanted to show the Line! We had the Director of the Health Center there, as well as a representative from Willamette University Men Against Violence (which, like it sounds, is a male-run social activism group), one from the Gay-Straight Alliance, and I myself am a volunteer for a sexual assault and domestic abuse hotline. Sadly, the turnout wasn’t as large as we had hoped for, but oh well.

We watched the film and then we split into two different discussion groups, one that was mixed gender and one that was female only. We did this for the comfort of the participants, in case there were any survivors who maybe wanted to share experiences but didn’t want to do it in front of guys. I facilitated discussion in the women-only group, and two other people headed up the other group. We asked questions like, “Why is it important to know your own line? How can you know your partner’s and how does perception of gender play into this? What do you think about our justice system and do you agree with the perceptions presented in the film?”

In our group, the discussion focused on rape culture, and how guys who are otherwise nice guys can be saturated with really backwards ideas of how to treat women, and what small things can be done to change this. In the mixed-gender group, they focused on the sexiness of consent, the nature of sexual relationships, and what respect means. One thing that was said was, if you are about to have sex with someone and you say “Do you want to have sex?” And they say, “Yes!” that’s pretty much the sexiest thing you could hear right then. And if they say anything but “Yes,” well, aren’t you really really glad you asked then?

Everyone had a really good time and there were many who suggested that our area do more documentary and discussion style events. Overall, a success!

One thing that was really interesting that someone shared in our group, she was at a party and this guy was talking to her, but just brushing her hand or her shoulder, or lightly brushing his hand across her hair once in a while, and it really freaked her out. It crossed a line for her. She just escaped the situation and shrugged it off, but she wondered, if she had called him out on it, he probably would have gotten mad and found some other woman to flirt with. But what if that next woman had also called him out on it? What if every woman he did that to called him out on it and rejected his line-crossing? It just reminded me that we as women can’t just wait for some guys to be respectful, but as a movement, as a group we have to demand it and not accept anything less.

Can You Look At Yourself In The Mirror?

11.24.09 Nancy | 3 Comments »

Fresh from the glossy coffee table of our amazing designer Thomas Cabus, who also moonlights as the daily photographer toto. He lives and works in Paris, taking snapshots of city life, dark bars and trashy locals. Two friends came by his groovy apartment for a private Parisian screening and came up with: