I Was The Grrl du Jour
I am an unusual breed: vibrant, youthful, fun, an activist who leads a regularly crazy college life and still attends every meeting. I am seen not as a prototypical “feminist,” but as an empowered young woman who simply plays like the boys. And I always have been a crier.
“Carmen, don’t do this. When I think feminism I think of you. Don’t be upset about a guy.”
“Carmen, you’re so much better than this. This isn’t you.”
I was the strong-willed, seemingly indestructible girl in the crowd, running down the stairs, throwing her things, and demanding to leave. But I was a feminist! I was sneering about activism minutes before he sent me home in tears and woke up worried that every sign I’d ever held up at a protest or a march was invalidated. I told myself it was me I was disappointed in, for sitting on follow-up semicolons, for keeping him in my bed until morning and sending him home with “no problem, anytime,” for waiting and waiting on the weekend only to end up humiliated.
It was hard to accept a loss of control and sort out where it went wrong. All I knew were his Greek letters and the address of a house where I’d once smeared war paint on my face; I knew his basement a little better than I knew him, an empty wooden room filled with solo cups overflowing. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, about the laced fingers and waking up under that blanket, the way we didn’t know how to say goodbye. I hated “what if,” and I wouldn’t let myself think the forbidden “what if I just wasn’t good enough?”
What bothers me isn’t the dismissive tone, the regrettable conditions, the blank stares and silenced hellos. (“Not worth your time” are the most insufferable words in the English language; if he sucked so much, why didn’t I realize it?) I am disappointed not because I am insecure; not because I just needed him to like me, or call me, or even give a shit about me; but because I am too independent, too self-assured to not be angry that he disguised himself in those dorky glasses and let me think I was more than the grrl du jour, more than a convenient exit, angry that he listened to my naiveté without a nod of acknowledgment, angry that now it’s as if nothing happened.
THE LINE is about building a world where people are free to be sexual beings without being used or mistreated. Hookup culture disempowers even its bravest soldiers with “dude, I’m gettin’ some tonight;” even when women play the game, we’re expected to obey someone else’s rules. I’m disappointed because I deserve better than exploring my sexuality within a system that silences its worth, and in the future I’m not going to be stuck playing by disrespectful guidelines I didn’t author.
So yes, feminists can cry. And we can be disappointed, and upset- over anything we so care to be upset about. And the next time you see your local activista falling apart in the basement, you can be sure that it’s nothing short than a public display of the power of disempowerment.
Tags: activism, college, hookups, men, power, respect, sex, wasted, women
I agree with you on ‘I didn’t make the world, I’m just asked to survive in it’ sort of mentality, which coincidentally is exactly the thought that started my day today..
Hookup culture is definitely a world that is ruled by boys, even if the girls are able to get free drinks or maybe their own oceanfront condo or new car out of it..
I am a product of trying to survive this culture. Add to this the confusion of being bisexual femme in a male dominated hookup culture AND a sex worker feminist.
But hooking up satiates HORNINESS which we all have. And so in that way, it’s not been disempowering for me. I’ve always gone after satisfying my urges if I had them ‘like a dude’ if I had to..but I realized I wasn’t a dude by 33 years old and I am so glad when a dude gets out of my car and he doesn’t ask for my number, that I have learned to have it bother me none.
I wish there was a little style-guide for nice ways to hook up and say good-bye, without being a total flake or dick. So if one party isn’t interested, or its clear its just going to be a one night thing, both people can still feel good about the sex either way. As long as you’re not nursing some big crush, a simple text that says “you’re cute, thanks that was fun”, can keep you feeling good about a night well spent. No need to rush out the door or act all shady, its not like I wanted to marry you, I also just wanted to hook up!
this is so true. i agree that there should be an easy exit. i remember back in my hookup days guys would like, dive into garbage cans to avoid me afterward, as though i was already naming our children. a simple, “hey, what’s up?” would have been sufficient.
and trust me, if i’ve learned anything from age, it’s that it’s always ok to cry.
I definitely agree; it’s great to feel like it was mutual, or maybe even that it was on your terms.
But the idea that empowered women shouldn’t be disappointed when a night gone great turns into a huge mess is just silly.
The follow-up text, which a lot of people have mentioned, is definitely integral here. Oh, the power of communication. It’s nothing but a big ball of anxiety waiting to happen.
I agree, it is silly. No matter how empowered you are, if you’re into someone and it doesn’t work out, and he’s a jerk about it, carte blanche for tears. You don’t need to perform your feminism for anyone!
I like that- “perform your feminism.”
In the culture of post-feminism we live in, though, being a feminist is somewhat a display. You’re expected to have the empowerment thing DOWN, because if you don’t, who does?
You can be a feminist and still have feelings. You are, after all, human. Sometimes emotions and people get in the way. The important thing is to realize what you’ve gained from the experience and figure out ways it can help you in the future. You are a very brave, strong woman and people should learn to respect that.
as one of the people who told you to not be upset over a guy, I should probably take that back. I didn’t say that to disempower you or dismiss your emotions, but to try to make you take a step back and see the big picture of how this, too, shall pass.
I know you’ve heard this from me and many others before, but you are the paragon of empowerment and rational feminism for a lot of people. It just surprised me to see a young woman who I always thought of as so self-assured and independent upset over a guy who wasn’t worth her time. but I’m glad you wrote this article, and couldn’t agree more with the part about wanting to explore your sexuality outside of an institution that silences its worth.
and lol at sexting being a tag in this post
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While I don’t think having feelings disempowers you (feminists aren’t robots, after all), I do think it’s incorrect to blame hook up culture for your hurt feelings or to say it’s playing by boys’ rules just because you expected something that, by very definition, a hook up pretty much rules out.
We say hook up culture plays by boys’ rules because we have this idea that 1) all boys ONLY want sex, and hate being in a relationship, and 2) all girls ONLY want a relationship, and sex is only secondary to an emotional connection. Um…no. Calling hook up culture playing by boys’ rules? Sort of playing to sexist expectations of how the genders are supposed to behave.
Personally? I always liked the fact that hooking up meant I could have sex without feeling obligated later to make a big thing out of it. I was glad that it was something I could walk away from, because for a long time, I had zero interest in a boyfriend and I found the whole dating thing to be draining. I never once felt like I was playing by someone else’s rules, because I was in it for me. Not for some misguided hope that the guy would actually decided he loved me or something. I certainly never felt humiliated or like I’d been used, because I was there for MY pleasure and no one else’s.
If you do end up falling for a guy you’ve hooked up with, and he doesn’t feel the same way, yeah, that sucks. After all, we still do have feelings, and you can’t always help how you feel. But to go blaming hook up culture because you expected a boyfriend from sex, when from the outset, hook up culture is NOT about relationships, but about sex is not really productive. It’s certainly not accurate. Piling on top of that some anti-feminist garbage about how hook up culture is bad because a girl can’t get what she’s always wanted–a man to call her own(!)? I’m just tired of it.
If you can’t participate in hook up culture, that’s fine. I think it’s positive and healthy to know your boundaries, and if you know you can’t have sex without an emotional component, then hooking up is clearly not for you. Just don’t go deriding hook up culture because you expected what is explicitly communicated to everyone in hook up culture not to expect.
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