How Long Do I Have to Wait Before I Screw Someone I Like?
I’m not a Cosmo girl by body shape, occupation or attitude, so it’s always been a challenge to get useful information on those glossy pages. I started sleeping with people at fifteen, and even then I only waited two weeks. As I get older, the amount of time I wait gets less and less…
Here’s the situation:
If I want someone it’s hard to stop me, especially if the person is male, and horny as a genetically programmed trait. There’s this guy I sort of work with. Once a week I sing at the club he manages, so we see each other enough to flirt and get to know each other a bit. I can’t make it a one-night thing, because I’m going to have to see him all the time, so I’m trying to imagine this as a possible “relationship” which it totally isn’t. The sexual tension is hot, but based on how flirtatious we’ve already been, I know if we DO date, I won’t be able to resist fucking him within a few hours.
So here goes my Cosmo Girl sex questionnaire attempt:
1. Will it help the relationship to wait or can I just go for it?
2. How long should a gal like me wait if I want to have more than “just sex” with someone I’m lusting after, and may actually start to date (not professionally)?
3. Is it always a bad idea to screw someone you work with? Even if that work is not an office, but a place where sexiness and entertainment are part of the atmosphere (like a bar or a group of TV writers (David Letterman) or something…)?
well, here goes my Cosmo Girl sex expert attempt (which I am completely unsuited to imitate):
1. Will it help the relationship to wait or can I just go for it?
If you aren’t seeking a relationship in a traditional “ohmygod it’s facebook official” sense, then I would like to have faith that two adults can deal with sex like adults and not children. Knowing full well, though, how awkward a nonreturn on emotions can be, I would suggest talking to him about it. It’s clear you’re both aware of the situation, so if things heat up, go for what feels right- but make sure your feelings are founded in what’s actually going to happen the next morning.
2. How long should a gal like me wait if I want to have more than “just sex” with someone I’m lusting after, and may actually start to date (not professionally)?
There are no guidelines for this! And I really can’t answer this one.
3. Is it always a bad idea to screw someone you work with? Even if that work is not an office, but a place where sexiness and entertainment are part of the atmosphere (like a bar or a group of TV writers (David Letterman) or something…)?
Why is it people love fucking friends but still find themselves wishing they were strangers? Again, my answer to #1 echoes.
This is a difficult situation, but follow your intuition and trust, in the end, that you’ve done the right thing. I know you will.
Ok, here’s my attempt to answer the non-Cosmo girl’s question. Not like you’d want my advice, since I totally messed with all the rules, and slept with my cameraman after 4 days of working together, with one more shoot day to go.
We fooled around Thursday night, and had our toughest interview on Friday morning. I wanted to kick myself because I was exhausted and a little bit awkward for the moment I really needed my “professional” “filmmaker” face. We were filming at the Bunny Ranch, so the whole shoot the gals saw us flirting, mentioned it, and snickered at our hung over walk of shame that morning. The tough interview went great, and actually I was more vulnerable in a good way.
But to answer your questions:
1) I agonized the next time we got together about actually “doing it”. Was it ridiculous to have sex so soon, with someone I actually liked? But I couldn’t wait, and it would have felt dumb to put up that false barrier.
2) Oops. I couldn’t wait.
3) Working with the object of my lust was amazing! We already knew we had a good dynamic professionally, so adding the sexual dynamic didn’t effect it at all. Plus as we started to date, he threw in shoots for free : )
Maybe there’s a hidden benefit to your situation, too?
It is always a bad idea to screw someone you work with. Where I come from, they say, “Don’t sh*t where you eat.” When I got divorced, I read Dating for Dummies. It was really helpful.
oh, yeah, and Nancy’s experience never happened to anyone else.
hmm well, my own personal experience pretty much only involves working with gay men or completely socially awkward men that were afraid to approach women, so it’s all just secondhand for me.
i actually had a friend who had a similar experience to nancy’s, except one of them ended up getting fired years after they married because of some stupid incident, when the company then fell back on their no dating policy.
oh, and i have another friend who i TOTALLY advised against fooling around with a coworker… and they’re a few months in and it’s great.
however, i tend to think that almost all adults at some point have trouble handling that morning after situation, as i think it’s pretty rare to both end up on the same page. that being said, if you can follow carmen’s advice and have an open discussion about it, then it might work.
honestly… i think there’s no advice that we can all give you, as you have to assess your own situation and see if it’s going to work. maybe the tension is more fun? what if it’s – gasp- not good?
If the feelings are there, you’re never going to know until you try. Try it. See where it goes. Having sex right away doesn’t always mean a fast burn out relationship (see Nancy’s response). I know a number of ladies who went for it right away (I’m usually one of those myself) and then maintained a good relationship. But if you are interested in more than that, you might just *try* taking it a little teeny bit slower than your hotness wants you to. It may make it even hotter.
Try to suss out what kind of guy he is. If you do it right away is he gonna think that’s all you want? He’s a dude. Or do you get a vibe that he’s super smart and into you? Either way I think you should date a little first and let those pheremones flow and work their magic.
And as for dating those you work with, it’s the luck of the draw in my opinion. Especially with creative work where you are working directly with one another. Risky biz, but as with Nancy, it can work if you’re really strong and focused.
Good luck gal, and have FUN!
p.s. Nancy, you are very, very blessed/lucky.
1) To this question I ask, isn’t sex a huge part of a relationship?
2) The saying is “fast doesn’t always last,” but I an not convinced that’s true. For some reasons in my 30s, I’ve had a streak of men who insisted on waiting until the third date. Booorrring, it’s like they’ve all read the same book.
3) I do not condone sleeping with someone you work with. I did it in college, and then had to hang around the fool for months after, while he watched me tutor English students on how to not write your freshman comp essay in dangling modifiers. Definitely could have done without his dangling modifier — it wasn’t much to write home about.
Wow. That’s great to read. Thanks everyone. I know that there isn’t one answer and that the one answer is the person who reads 7 habits of highly effective people and follows it literally. Yes, I think if I just wait it out a bit, I might lose the desire to bonk him so quickly because his true personality, of which I have NOT had a chance to even get to know really will come through. I slept with a bunch of coworkers when I was a car saleswoman and I had horrible sex like Kat reminded me with someone I had been lusting for months. It looks like he’s not reciprocating my hunting…I’ve called, he knows I want him but we haven’t dated yet, so perhaps it isn’t even mutual. I am an impatient creature by nature, teaching myself to wait is hard indeed, but it might work have a good nancy ending…and I’ll have my own feature show there and he’ll be my husband like Gloria Estefan and so and so…:)
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by The Line Campaign, Nancy Schwartzman. Nancy Schwartzman said: RT @thelinecampaign How long should she wait?? http://bit.ly/1WbAbU [...]
Common Gay School of Thought is why wait until later when you can find out NOW if you’re sexually compatible? Sex is normal and healthy. The shame or awkwardness about having sex too early comes from the perception that sex is sinful. There is nothing more disappointing than finding out later, after emotions have truly been invested, that the sex is bad. i’ve done that waiting bullshit, and I’m almost always annoyed that I didn’t find out sooner that there was no sexual chemistry. But women are wired differently than men so if sex has an emotional component for you then prehaps a delayed gratification stance might work for you. However, if it more about the superficial appearance of chastity then you’re not exactly portraying a true self-portrait. Relationships played like a chess game, in my humble opinion, are almost always constant power struggles. Always trying to devine your partner’s next move is exhausting when being honest about what you want, how you want it, and when you want is always the better in the long run. Packaged as advertised is always my moto.
As for screwing someone you work with, I generally tend to avoid it. Shitting were you eat can get messy. But then again, I’ve never met someone at work that I’d be willing to get dirty. It also depends on your long term career plans. If you plan on quitting then problem solved. I still think it should be done on a case by case basis. I would do more recon before I’d actually plunge into an office affair, especially if you think it’ll affect your job performance or career advancement. Ultimately it depends on what kind of person you are, if you compartmentalize then it’s a BAD move. If you don’t mind mixing worlds then go for it.
i’m not one to hold back and i’ve always gone pretty hard after what i want. many years ago i’ve had a major relationship and now another (a happy marriage) that started with just that: lust at work. in both instances i held back for quite some time exactly because of Phred’s grounded fear: “don’t s*** where you eat”. so i guess yeah, i did wait but i also enjoyed the sexual tension and didn’t want it to stop with 1 sexual encounter… eventually both men wore me down with their insistence to hang out after work. i ended up screwing them within a couple of hours. at the time i strongly believed it’s gonna be a one off thing mainly because i didn’t want much to do with them after, not because it was bad, but because i believed if i were to reject them first i’d have the upper hand. i ended up having a 3 year relationship with first guy and i’ve been together with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. i think it’s the type of guy though… i later learned that both these men LOVE women who initiate, who take charge, control their situation and outcome. i didn’t have regrets or showed weakness and doubt: was it the right thing to do, would he respect me in the morning, etc? i didn’t wait for it, i never asked a thing… which in turn made them feel more weary and questioning. fyi: in both instances the second screw was better… i guess it worked out that way… maybe there aren’t any rules. cosmo blows anyways and most of the editors are single workaholics, so what on earth do they know…?
Hey Sugar..I DEFINITELY have more in common with gay men than the average het Cosmo/girl mag reader. In fact, as a sex worker I am tame compared to some gay guy friends I bond with. 2 guys can get down within in 15 minutes of meeting and so can a working girl and her client, but I don’t think any other girls in society really can do that..it’s not in the wiring as you put it, which is why I love my job sometimes but it messes with my concept of what is acceptable to MOST people.
UPdate is the dude hasn’t called me back since we’ve last talked which was not all that reciprocal…so i QUICKLY become less interested when people are not interested in me as a preserval tactic..I’m singing there tonight, I’ve already gone overboard in pseudo stalking him, he knows I like him, I’ve thrown my scantily clad body over the bar for his taking..but alas..to no avail. So it’s been a week, no sex no date and I’m ok.
sorry in case you guys are confused..I am an escort/call girl but I am also a singer and an artist. I date for money and I date for free so I’m trying to test out my “normal” person decision meter with ya’all thanks so much
I totally mess up when trying to figure out what is “acceptable” behavior, so I generally say fuck it. Some people think chastity pledges with their father are acceptable. And anyway, who really wants to be normal?
Please keep us updated, Mariko!!
[...] I had made it SUCH a big deal all over Facebook and another website made it a Q&A on the blog for this film called The Line! Should I wait for a while if I really really like someone and not FUCK them right away? was the [...]