Archive for October, 2009

Comfortable Curiosity

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I spent a lot of time thinking about this today to try and define my line. My wife helped with this phrase: Comfortable Curiosity. It boils my line down to a simple statement. My line is about being able to explore within mutual comfort. It’s the comfort to discuss and be open with each other as well as the comfort to engage. Comfortable enough to say when, and for both of us to be aware and present enough to see a negative response and respect it.

This started for me with media. I grew up watching Law & Order. The show occasionally explored rape cases that weren’t clear cut or where the question of consent was central to the episode. It planted seeds in my head for considering my own behavior. I can be neurotic and worry excessively at times about what I’m doing or what I’ve done. My preoccupation with comfort and clarity of comfort zones for myself and others emerged from these episodes. I have been perpetually afraid of being one of “those guys.”

For myself it’s about respecting me the way I respect you. If I am concerned with your comfort I need you to be concerned with mine. It’s about trusting me enough to be honest with me and trust that I will respect you, because that is what I want to trust you with. That trust and respect that it takes to be honest and to accept my honesty.

How Long Do I Have to Wait Before I Screw Someone I Like?

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I’m not a Cosmo girl by body shape, occupation or attitude, so it’s always been a challenge to get useful information on those glossy pages. I started sleeping with people at fifteen, and even then I only waited two weeks. As I get older, the amount of time I wait gets less and less…

Here’s the situation:

If I want someone it’s hard to stop me, especially if the person is male, and horny as a genetically programmed trait. There’s this guy I sort of work with. Once a week I sing at the club he manages, so we see each other enough to flirt and get to know each other a bit. I can’t make it a one-night thing, because I’m going to have to see him all the time, so I’m trying to imagine this as a possible “relationship” which it totally isn’t. The sexual tension is hot, but based on how flirtatious we’ve already been, I know if we DO date, I won’t be able to resist fucking him within a few hours.

So here goes my Cosmo Girl sex questionnaire attempt:

1. Will it help the relationship to wait or can I just go for it?

2. How long should a gal like me wait if I want to have more than “just sex” with someone I’m lusting after, and may actually start to date (not professionally)?

3. Is it always a bad idea to screw someone you work with? Even if that work is not an office, but a place where sexiness and entertainment are part of the atmosphere (like a bar or a group of TV writers (David Letterman) or something…)?

How Do We Measure A Film Like “Precious?”

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Its official. Hollywood is holding its breathe for the premiere of “Precious“. Gossip, speculation, excitement, buzz…  How many Oscars will it catch? Is it “too urban”? Will it reach the art-house crowd and the Tyler Perry crowd? How much $$ will it bring in for Lionsgate?

But will anyone be addressing the social impact of a film like “Precious”? What happens to an audience when a life of incest, poverty and rape is writ large on the big screen? How do we measure a film that has already provoked painful truth-telling from the producers, director and actors? Executive Producer, Oprah Winfrey has long been vocal about the physical and sexual abuse she suffered as a child, but Tyler Perry? His disclosure could have been a career-killing move, but he told his story anyway. Mo’nique, made the bold decision to play the film’s villain, and came out about the sexual and physical abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother. She talks about using the experience to fuel her performance. In Sunday’s New York Times, a twelve page profile of Lee Daniels, covers both his successes and his father’s beatings.

We are slowly making space as a public to listen to what we all know to be true: someone you know can relate to the story of Precious. Her story, and the stories of those who brought it to light, will spark a torrent. And as we continue to lift the shame, how will we measure the tidal wave?

Pay As You Go: Sex Worker Shorts

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I’m thrilled to be invited and included in Brooklyn’s first ever Sex Worker Shorts film series. Sexuality rights & new media activist Audacia Ray and the folks at $pread Magazine have organized the event at Union Docs, so I can even ride my bike over. $pread is a magazine dedicated to illuminating the sex industry whose motto is: “We believe all sex workers have a right to self-determination; to choose how we make a living and what we do with our bodies.” Amen!

THE LINE is showing alongside films from India, USA, Macedonia, Cambodia, France, UK and Canada. I’ll also be speaking on a panel with Audacia Ray and Violeta Krasnic from WITNESS and artist Damion Luxe discussing how we can use video as an advocacy tool. I’ll be particularly interested to hear about how new media is changing and effecting the work of Witness’s HUB, the world’s first participatory media site for Human Rights.

Make Some Fucking Noise, DC!

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The District of Columbia is up to its knees in disrespectful young men, and when college women complain, the authorities laugh. But can we really be surprised? Since when has anyone in this town respected us? Washington D.C. is the biggest boys’ club in America!

And yet, there isn’t much to laugh about.

The two incidents which I’m referring to are the “Georgetown Cuddler,” with his sweet and affectionate name (that hides his danger and disrespect), and the travel-to-unravel UMD freshman Seth Rudnitsky, who entered a GWU dorm and attempted to sexually assault sleeping female students. These two incidents share:

  1. The presence of a perpetrator and a survivor, if not multiple survivors, of sexual assault
  2. The pre-existing atmosphere of hookup culture
  3. The presumption of male intent as “immaturity” or “fun”, and
  4. Sexual Assault. (Can we be clear on that?) SEXUAL ASSAULT.

Seth’s lawyer, though, insisted that he was just a silly drunk kid, and therefore shouldn’t be seen as criminal or as a sexual offender. (Being drunk seems to be less incriminating when we’re talking to the rapist and not the raped.) The law loves judgment, and the law also loves when men aren’t held accountable for theirs. And then there’s the Georgetown Cuddler (read: rapist, scumbucket), a young man who’s been sneakin’ into rooms and making himself comfortable. He earned his nickname through student media, a reminder that sexual crimes never seem to be all that bad- or horrific- to anyone but the survivors.

Why do we claim young people are more progressive, laying praise on each new class of undergrads as more ambitious, more egalitarian than others, in a country where date rape is still perceived as an exaggeration of bad sex, where a punch bowl is still a basin for victim-blaming, where “Greek” is an excuse for coercion, where women participate in a culture that takes pleasure and replaces it with reputations and booty calls?

I used to think it was the structures of another generation that did a disservice to my “young” and “fresh” ideals of equality (though they should be antiquated already!), but now I am beginning to see that we’re doing this to ourselves by allowing this behavior to exist on our campuses, sidewalks, and country. It’s time for young people to do what we do best- make some fucking noise.