An Arab guy in Israel is being sent to prison for *consensual* sex, yet that consent was later declared by the woman who consented to have been based upon fraudulent information. The woman claimed she *would not have consented* had she known ex-ante what she does ex-post.
“Handing down the verdict, Tzvi Segal, one of three judges on the case, acknowledged that sex had been consensual but said that although not “a classical rape by force,” the woman would not have consented if she had not believed Kashur was Jewish.”
It’s a pretty clear cut racist thing here, so even most radical feminists will disagree with this verdict, but that doesn’t answer the more profound problems posed by the notion of “consent” by such a verdict.
Could a man claim “rape by deception” if a woman later reveals she is in a relationship even though he was *at the point* happy to have sex with her? Should a woman be allowed to claim rape by deception because a man she wanted to have sex with lied about his financial status? Is there specific information that potential sexual partners should be legally obliged to declare correctly prior to enganging in sexual activity?
There is no doubt that “lying about oneself to get him/her into bed” is not exactly good behaviour, but consent to personal interactions cannot be dealt with with standards developed for commercial interactions, because personal interactions cannot be undone once they happened. And ex-post declarations about what one would have or would not have done knowing what has been revealed thereafter are nothing but hypothetical.
She may claim that she would not have consented to sex given the information that he is not Jewish, but who knows whether she may still have consented in the moment because she was sufficiently aroused to not care about the guy’s ethnicity… maybe her later retraction of “consent” has nothing to do with consent to sex and a lot to do with the state of her community.
It’s a crime to punish people based on hypotheticals, and it’s a ridiculous assumption that people are always aware of the criteria they use for making decisions in the moment.
Giving them the opportunity to later withdraw their decisions based on criteria formulated ex-post is absurd – in other words – it’s crossing the line.
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Editor’s Note: This piece was submitted to us by Sam.
A common question I hear when I talk about consent is “how does one have completely consensual sex?” What the person asking is usually trying to say is that asking for a “yes” during sex kills the mood or makes it awkward; from my personal sex experience, this is not so.
Before I even start to do anything of a physical nature, my boyfriend and I ALWAYS ask each other if the other wants to have sex. Because sometimes you are simply not in the mood- and no matter what the reason, that’s okay. It does NOT mean that you do not love your partner, or that your relationship is bad, or that you do not enjoy sex. A number of factors contribute to sex, and you could be tired, not feeling well, stressed, pre-occupied, etc. Too many people think that once you are in a relationship it is acceptable to expect sex whenever: sorry, sex is not a perk of dating, and consent is still important no matter how involved with your partner you are.
That being said, the definition of consent is going to change from person to person. I do not need my boyfriend to seek consent from me before or during foreplay, but some people might be more comfortable if their sexual partners seek verbal consent for and during foreplay. The thruline isn’t about when consent is obtained or for what activity: the point is that consent is important, no matter what your comfort level. Before we have sex my boyfriend always checks to make sure I still want to, and I feel comfortable telling him when “no.” That is something that every single person who has sex should feel comfortable doing.
In my opinion, consent is sexy. There is no bigger turn on to me than knowing my boyfriend cares about me and respects me enough to make sure that I am 100% into whatever we are doing. So I have consensual sex, and I have it all the time. Asking someone, “hey, are you okay with this?” isn’t awkward: it’s sexy.
Photo via Álvaro Canivell on flickr.
Today I was browsing facebook at work (don’t tell my boss!) and I saw a status from a girl I went to high school with. Admittedly, I don’t know her all that well, but as one of the few other out-and-proud people I know to come out of that school, I feel some solidarity with her. Her status was:
niggas get salty as shit when they find out a female is GAY.get over it.if i was straight i wouldnt want your ass anyways. =) have a good day!
I nodded in agreement. Sure, I’m not entirely sure what it means to get salty, but if has anything to do with men getting hostile when you spurn their advances, I totally get it. I read through the comments, most of which were other women, both straight and gay, agreeing that men really need to take a hint when they are barking up the wrong tree, whether or not the ‘tree’ in question is queer. Of course, one guy told her “U bad n niggaz is gon holla get ova it gurl…lol.” Of course, an attractive woman of ANY sexual orientation really should just “get over it. “ Sexual harassment is just part of a woman’s life, like death and taxes.
Of course, I’m never content to leave well enough alone. I commented,
In reference to this comment: “U bad n niggaz is gon holla get ova it gurl…lol”
Geez, D—- [name redacted], don’t you know that as a women, especially a woman of color, your body is communal property for men to ogle at and, if they so desire, possess? Regardless of whether or not you ascribe to their misogynistic, heterosexist worldview. Duh.
Fuck that. T elling a woman to “get over” sexual harassment, especially harassment rooted so deeply in homophobia, is disgusting. Reacting poorly to the news that a woman is gay is essentially admitting that you view all heterosexual women as potential sexual conquests. Is that REALLY how you feel about 50% of the population?
Good on you, D—-, for calling that bullshit out
And I firmly stand behind what I said. Is it playing into the kyriarchy to interject my privileged white view of the situation into a conversation among people of color? Probably. But the beautiful thing about the kyriarchy is that it doesn’t oppress in a straight line. It’s impossible to say who comes from a place of more privilege when a white, queer woman challenges a statement made by a black, straight man. That doesn’t mean this statement didn’t get me into trouble:
@ M Wow. Not necessarily agreeing with the referenced comment but it would seem like most of the hollering happens before the guy finds out Danielle is gay. You might have picked the wrong example to use for your argument. Thats what her status is implying. If anything dudes trying to get at a girl is a testament to her attractiveness.
What does her being a “woman of color” have to do with anything? Is that your selling point so you can spew your empty rhetoric? People in general ogle and desire and eventually attempt to possess what they find appealing. I dont see that in anyway misogynistic.
With that being said I dont think men should get upset when a female tells you she is gay. Just respect it, brush it off and move on to one of the straight fish in the sea…”
Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry, it has nothing to do with homophobia. I forgot, women of all sexual orientations are property. And so, I replied:
T—, do a little research. Try googling “hottentot venus,” for example. There is centuries of precedent for women of color being eroticized as being “exotic” or exceptionally sexual. Literature of the early 20th century, especially, ingrained in American culture that black women were particularly dangerous in their excessive sexuality.
As for their “hollering” occurring before they know she’s gay — I acknowledge that. I don’t, however, rescind my judgment of that being misogynistic. When a man makes an unwanted sexual remark (and, in this case, won’t apologize, and is instead angry, when he discovers exactly how unwanted it is), he is exerting his social power over the woman. Studies show that EIGHTY PERCENT of women worldwide report feeling afraid or threatened on a regular basis by sexual comments from men.
Harassment isn’t a compliment.
And if it the phrase “women of color” that offends you, I apologize. I meant it only as a less specific term to encompass all non-white women. Think about the hypersexualized stereotypes of Latina women or the excessive use of Asian women in fetish pornography. The bodies of non-white women suffer exceptionally under the male gaze.
But I think T— and I got sidetracked. I don’t think men like T– will ever come around to the idea that repeated, unwanted advances are sexual harassment and that this behavior is based on the idea that women can be possessed and lack the power to say no. Or maybe I’m wrong and he CAN be enlightened, but ultimately, that isn’t what we started off arguing. The issue at hand here was that when a lesbian tells a man she isn’t interested BECAUSE SHE IS GAY, he gets angry. And that anger is on the same continuum with rage. The kind of rage that kills women like Sakia Gunn, a fifteen year old queer woman of color who was stabbed to death for rebuffing the advances of a stranger. The kind of rage that gives me flashbacks to waking up in the hospital when the last thing I remember is being outed to a group of men I didn’t know.
When a woman tells a man, “no thanks, I’m a lesbian,” he has no right to be angry. He does not own this woman or any other.
Catcalling and street harassment is a popular topic on WIYL, and with good reason; a 2008 study by Holly Kearl revealed that 99% of women have faced unwanted verbal come-ons, some more lewd and violating than others.
I live in a more industrial part of Brooklyn, across from a junkyard (complete with “Beware of Dog” sign) and a block down from a recycling collection center, where workers, mostly 25-50 year old men, sort bottles and cans from surise to sunset. Every day I walk by this operation on the way to the subway, and every day, without fail, I encounter some form of advancements or catcalling. There is something so frustrating and violating about being hit on during your unavoidable walk to work at 9 AM, harassed only because you are a young female walking by yourself. I never leave my apartment anymore without sunglasses and headphones, as to avoid eye contact and be able politely eschew all advances by feigning ignorance of them even happening, coping mechanisms that I am ashamed of having to take as a feminist and strong, empowered woman. “Powerless” is the only word to describe the options presented when harassed on the street; you can either walk by silently, or confront the perpertrator, risking physical escalation and conflict.
As Kearl said in a Huffington Post article about street harassment:
Street harassment is not a joke about construction workers; it is a problem that touches every woman’s life at some level and prevents women on a whole from achieving equality. More research needs to be conducted to better track its prevalence and to uncover the root causes, and in the meantime, let’s make it illegal. While laws do not solve problems, they can help change social attitudes, deter the undesired behavior, and provide affected persons with options for recourse.
This no-win scenario is the main idea behind the video game Hey Baby, a first-person shooter in which you get to gun down street harassers, and the sleazeballs are replaced with headstones engraved with their catcalls. The game may seem a bit extreme, murdering those who just want to tell you you’re “gorgeous” (my favorite response to which is, “I know I am, thanks for the reminder, ASSHOLE”); the come-ons, however, are sometimes just as extreme, with men approaching you to to inform you that you’re asking to be raped. The game is an intriguing concept in and of itself, but the commentary from male gamers has also proved englightening. Says Kieron Gillen of Rock, Paper, Shotgun:
The game’s rubbish, of course. But the one thing it does well is show how what you may think is an innocuous compliment feels in the context of a woman’s life. You approaching a woman in the street and being what you think is politely flirty is a different thing when, down the street, someone’s suggested that maybe you’d like to suck my dick and you’re a fucking bitch if you don’t.
From her perspective, it’s a culture of harassment she has to either politely deal with or ignore.
From your perspective, you’re just showing how you feel.
That your passing desire means you get to derail a woman’s life whenever you feel like it is the absolute definition of male privilege.
If you’re a man, and you’ve acted like this, the woman you do it to, beneath the polite smile she has to offer, has probably fantasised about you dying.
Seth Sciesel of New York Times pointed out that in the game, the attackers are relentless, and there is no end in sight to the harassment. Our point exactly, Schiesel. Hey Baby has no score, no levelling up, and no end goal. The game is painfully realistic in that way; you are trapped in a situation in which you question wearing your tank top or shorts before leaving the house, where you take an alternate route to avoid facing certain areas you know are rife with street harassers. I’ve found that it is difficult to get men to join in on conversations about consent and sexual harassment, and sexual assault, but perhaps Hey Baby is a good place to start.
Opined Schiesel:
Just as I have never been sexually harassed, I have never accosted a strange woman on the street. After playing Hey Baby, I’m certainly not about to start.
I am currently volunteering at my old high school. I want to work with teenagers when I finish college somehow, whether I work in social work, law, or education. It has been a great experience so far, especially because of the crazy personalities that are present within the classroom. It is also a plus to be working for my favorite teacher- he is the reason why I am majoring in U.S. History now at Barnard.
So this week, the students were assigned to form groups and create their own political parties. They had to come up with five main issues they wanted to focus on like tax reforms, etc. The most popular issues were abortion and the legalization of marijuana. The teacher left me in charge to help the students with their presentations: the groups had to come up to front of the class and present their political platforms to me while I critiqued and questioned their stance of certain issues. As each group went up, I realized how many of the students were unaware of today’s political climate.
One girl stood out when it was her turn to speak about abortion. Her group felt abortion should be illegal because “it is the woman’s fault if she becomes pregnant.” The majority of the class agreed with her- especially the girls. (The boys of the class didn’t have much to say, and believed that it was the woman’s choice.) Being the person that I am, I interrupted and asked, “What if it was in the case of rape or incest, or the mother’s life is endangered?” The girl answered that it did not matter because the woman should not get herself into that situation.
I was shocked to hear this because many of these girls believe that a man does not have anything to do with a pregnancy nor a woman’s rape. Do they not realize that its takes two to make a baby, and a criminal to create sexual violence? The girls believe that it is a woman’s fault if she becomes pregnant and that she should live with the responsibility regardless if she was raped or not. The experience made it easy to see that talking about sexual assault is still stigmatized, especially in high school, and that that silence perpetuates a cycle of violence and violence-enabling. That is a cycle that needs to be broken.
When I first approached the teacher about volunteering over the summer, I asked him if I could do a presentation about intimate partner violence (IPV) and ways to seek help in case of sexual assault. He said that he is very conservative in the classroom, and that those topics weren’t appropriate for the students I’m teaching now. But if we do not bring awareness to them now, in the classroom, where else can we do it and be able to reach out to a majority of the youth? It’s like talking about the birds and the bees with your children: the conversation may be awkward, but this will only benefit them in the long run.
I remember being at this high school and never really learning anything about outside resources dealing with abuse and suicide. Health classes barely touched the topic of IPV and only mentioned that it could happen, but the class did not offer any safety planning tips or preventative education. Children are growing up fast: Disney and Nickelodeon do not advertise cartoons to children anymore, but shows like Hannah Montana and iCarly that broadcast the growing rate of young children in intimate relationships. Our cultural, social, and educational standards should be updated to keep up with the increasingly early exposure to sex that young people are now experiencing. By addressing controversial topics, we are not aimlessly making these students uncomfortable: we would be changing their lives. By educating young people in classrooms and safe spaces about violence, sexual health, and their empowerment, we could ensure that they were never shamed or silenced out of their own safety and well-being.
