“Do I make babies in my mouth? … cum somewhere else… and I’m not suggesting it… I’m telling you…”
My trip to Colorado this week was amazing! I had a screening at University of Northern Colorado, in Greeley, a town made famous by the cow dung aroma described in Fast Food Nation. I stayed with Professor Nick Syrett, author of “The Company He Keeps: A History of White College Fraternities” who in his previous life was my travel partner in far flung adventures in the Middle East, Maghreb and the hallowed halls of Tina Turner concerts. The film was the kick off event for UNC SAFE week, sponsored by the Women’s Studies Department, The Assault Survivor Advocacy Program, the prestigious gentleman of Nu Alpha Kappa Fraternity, the local police, and more. Had the pleasure of meeting Historiann there, too.
I was told that the student body leaned toward conservative and that many of the students were married. I cringed through the dirty parts of my movie and hoped I wasn’t traumatizing anyone. The screening had over 80 students in attendance, folks asked great questions… and as evidenced above, they were not shy about speaking their minds!
A fight is not an inevitable thing. It is a social ritual. It occurs in a context in which all the participants agree that the fight is OK. You chose to fight. You participated in the dance.
There is no actual harm in one man telling another man that his mother sucked his cock the previous night. It is just an invitation to dance
He shoved you and you put your hands up but you did not walk away. We take shoving to be a provocation after which one is justified in committing violence.
What the shove says is, I love you and I want to feel the violence of my love for you by having some contact. The shove says, I want some pain inflicted, will you please engage in some mutual infliction of pain? I need some pain. The shoving says, here, look at what I am willing to do: I am offering myself to you, to be beaten.
Will you please attack me so I feel whole again? Here, look, I will shove you again. That is my request. The shove says, “I want you. I want you to beat me.”
He might as well say, you know, I really love you and want to be intimate with you by fighting. Will you join me in a fight? Will you please slake my thirst for violence? I am attracted to you; I think it would be a deep, erotic pleasure to be beaten by you. Would you please? May I have this dance of violence?
These are film stills from “The Hurt Locker,” and the words are excerpted from an advice column by Cary Tennis of Salon.com.
Last year I was a baby at Sex::Tech. I soaked up the intersections of public health, youth sexuality and technology for the first time. Scribbling in pen (pre-twitter!) notes on HIV/MSM/CDC/STI/SMS in my notebook… my mind buzzing from meeting like minded people using tools I hoped to access. I screened a rough cut of THE LINE during an unconference session and started to think critically about designing an outreach campaign to talk about sexual consent. @vniow introduced me to twitter, and I had yet to meet @melissagira who would work with me on creating this campaign. On my way out, I struck up a conversation with a woman on an elevator, and we discussed a critical missing element to our experience: the discussion of self-esteem, self-regard, and the emotional state of the subjects profiled. Basically, the “why” behind the what.
Flash forward to this year where Sex::Tech 2010 was a messy & complicated affair. In my opinion, this is a really good thing. There were major disagreements in style and approach to Sex Ed (mainly SexReally’s video: sexist and stupid v. funny and effective), frustration about whose voices are amplified, who can access technology and why we need to talk about pleasure. Here are some highlights from the keynote and twitter:
Queer youth get stuck figuring it out for themselves, since no one wants to answer our questions!” Include us!
Queer sex ed should be part of all sex ed, why not? We’re all in the same classes together at school!”
Salon rightfully slams that horrid “Guys are a@#$%^&” PSA from @SexReally seen at #sextech last weekend. http://bit.ly/csCgx3 (@vniow)
As Queer young POC at #sextech we did not feel acknowledged around our intersecting identities (@colorlatina)
Missing from sex ed: talking abt what to do w/feelings of lust, or love, that may come w/sexual intimacy. Not *just* abt condoms, STIs, etc (@tallanna)
I had the honor of presenting on two panels this year, and I was both excited and nervous, about the first one especially. “I Am A Feminist Sex Educator” moderated by Scarleteen’s Heather Corrina, with Dr. Jess Fields, author of “Risky Lessons: Sex Education and Social Inequality”, Educator Cory Silverberg from About.com and Come As You Are, Third Wave Foundation’s Melissa Gira Grant and me. As a filmmaker and activist, I was uncomfortable with the official-ness of the term “educator” but there were drop-outs in the room, and voicing my anxiety helped!
We kicked off by naming how we got to feminism, our backgrounds, experience, work and focus. Some highlights from the panel and the simultaneous tweets:
Two reasons to call ourselves feminists: 1) It connects w/history, movement. 2) It holds feminism accountable to represent us. -@JessFields
There’s no sex in #feminism? (like no crying in baseball) Bullshit! -@heathercorrina
Sexuality is such a racialized issue in USA and we don’t meaningfully talk about it in #sexed -@jessfield
Especially since I present as a man,” @corysilverberg says, I call myself a #feminist #sex educator cuz it REQUIRES explanation.
@melissagira suggests using “gender justice” along with #feminism when we talk about #sexed #sextech
Can BDSM be “feminist”? Does it matter?
Seems like there is still a lot to unpack re: #feminism, #sexed #gender justice & messaging when trying to reach #youth at #sextech
So there was the Twitter conversation and the public conversation. Confession: I actually tweeted during the Feminist Sex Ed panel, and another time I was called out for not posing my question to the group. Keynoter Beth Kanter discusses the back channel conversation. I personally love that you can pick up threads later, see what points resonate, or what pisses your audience off. Should those of us using twitter speak our questions and issues to the larger group? Is that disruptive to the panel or the room, or does it facilitate more lively conversation for those not in the room? Are we hiding behind twitter or having multiple conversations?
Using the Twitter back channel following my second panel “Reducing Stigma Through Social Networking” I was able to track the points and themes that stood out the most for people. This panel highlighted Whereisyourline.org alongside the work of Exhale a private and secure online space for women to discuss abortion, and the St. James Infirmary Clinic a for sex workers by sex workers health clinic. This was a space to talk about stigma and how peers talk and support each other. Some thoughts that floated around (sorry @mkeagle, they’re mostly yours!):
We raise women to survive in a rape culture, but we do nothing to talk to men about not raping. wow. (@mindofandre)
Wondering if @thelinecampaign deals with male rape victims, rape within LGBTQ communities etc… (@mkeagle)
So many awesome points here: sex workers looking for services, not being “rescued” or “saved.” (@mkeagle)
Really great audience question- can we reframe “consent” so it’s not so much aggressor v. gatekeeper?
Yesterday we talked about the challenges of accessing closed online communities; Exhale is pointing out some real positives. (@mkeagle)
This panel was incredibly exciting for me – it was complicated, and dealt with shame, stigma and emotions. A young woman approached us after the panel and shared her personal story, one that included all of the experiences that we had just named. She cried and smiled, and expressed relief that she had encountered a space at Sex::Tech to do that.
Other parallel conversations happening during the conference or over drinks:
Feeeirce back and forth about “hook up culture” was happening: a monolithic and clumsy term? “adult”? madeup panic? Most recently sparked by Rachel J Simmons, Kate Harding, Amanda Marcotte and more… and always, our blogger Carmen’s first-person war story.
Poly Sex v. Casual sex: can you have real intimacy w/strangers? managing expectations, “About Love,” by Bell Hooks, “Trouble With Normal” by Michael Warner and pending research from Heather Corrina.
… oh yea, and BDSM and Feminism. Why label specific sex acts “feminist”? credit BDSM culture for how we talk about verbal consent, and oh man, let’s hope college students are engaging in BDSM while sober, using safe words and with care.
Ok, so why was Sex::Tech complicated? Because we don’t all think to address and challenge sexism in our approach to sexual education, because we’re not queer and trans-inclusive in our pedagogy, because we don’t address intersectionality and privilege enough, because involving men in gender-violence prevention is still a new concept… and on and on…
If you’re comfortable in your coalition, your coalition isn’t big enough. I’m thrilled that these debates were sparked, and here’s to making Sex::Tech even BIGGER next year!
Needed help with this equation? Me too – I studied art history in college. This lovely and intelligent Stanford physics major was one of the first students to raise his hand after the screening. He wondered why so many of his peers seem to lack basic “emotional intelligence.” We talked about the socialization of young men, lack of sexual education that includes communication, respect and pleasure, and a really low bar when it comes to young people’s expectations of sex and consent. His comments set the tone for a productive q/a.
This means:
My line = Change / Flux / Mood over Change / Time
